Since John McCain brought up Williams Jennings Bryan, I thought it was only fair and decent to remind him that even back in 1900, when Bryan ran as a Democrat against the Republican ticket of McKinley and Roosevelt, dirty tricks were a factor in the campaign. Humorist Finley Peter Dunne, the Chicago creator of "Mr. Dooley," poked fun at the efforts of the candidates to avoid embarrassment. This is an excerpt from "Troubles of a Candidate," which is from the election campagin of 1900. For the benefit of readers: Mark Hanna was the Karl Rove of the Republican party back then, Emilio Aguinaldo was the leader of the Phillipine resistance to the Americans, and Andrew Carnagie was not seen as a friend of the Democratic party, which had positioned itself as the advocate for the working man. Dunne’s essays were first published in Chicago newspapers, but he quickly achieved national recognition, and for a brief time was one of the most popular commentators on politics, culture and contemporary events in America.
"Oh, I guess th’ campaign is doin’ as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be th’ raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f’r Bryan an’ has contributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon dollars to th’ campaign fund. In th’ dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that Chairman Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr’m the Prince iv Wales to Mack congratulatin’ him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin’ to th’ queen. A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr’m dimmycratic headquarthers to thank Mack f’r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy an’ th’ raypublican comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr’m long term criminals advisin’ their colleagues at large to vote f’r Willum Jennings Bryan, th’ frind of crime.
"In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, ‘twill not be safe f’r ayether iv the candydates to come out on th’ fr-ront porch till th’ waitin’ dillygations has been searched be a polisman. ‘Tis th’ divvle’s own time the la-ads that r-runs f’r th’ prisidincy has since that ol’ boy Burchard broke loose again’ James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv his thrusty hinchman to his side, an’ says he: ‘Mike, put on a pig-tail, an’ a blue shirt an’ take a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an’ congratulate Mack on the murdher iv mission’ries in China. An’,’ he says, ‘ye might stop off at Cincinnati on th’ way over an’ arrange f’r a McKinley an’ Rosenfelt club to ilict th’ British Consul its prisidint an’ attack th’ office iv th’ German newspaper,’ he says. Mark Hanna rings f’r his sicrety an’, says he: ‘Have ye got off th’ letther fr’m George Fred Willums advisin’ Aggynaldoo to pizen th’ wells?’ ‘Yes sir.’ ‘An’ th’ secret communication fr’m Bryan found on an arnychist at Pattherson askin’ him to blow up th’ White House?’ "It’s in th’ hands iv th’ tyepwriter.’ ‘Thin call up an employmint agency an’ have a dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a message fr’m the pope proposin’ to bur-rn all Protestant churches th’ night before iliction.’
"I tell ye, Hinnissy, th’ candydate is kept movin’. Whin he sees a dilly-gation pikin’ up th’ lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin’ leap f’r th’ chairman, seizes him by th’ throat an’ says: ‘I thank ye f’r th’ kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have remarked, th’ riprisintative iv th’ party iv manhood, honor, courage, liberality an’ American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an’ tell him to put it in his pipe an’ smoke it.’ With which he bounds into th’ house an’ locks the dure while th’ baffled conspirators goes down to a costumer an’ changes their disguise. If th’ future prisidint hadn’t been quick on th’ dhraw he’d been committed to a policy iv sthranglin’ all the girl babies at birth.