My late friend Gordon was one of the few people with the guts to change his entire life mid-stream. I met him in a small Midwestern town where he was studying for his PhD in Psychology. But before this, he was a successful publishing editor and literary agent in New York. He packed up and left when he wanted something more meaningful in his life.
He died suddenly and unexpectedly two He left behind his mother, sister, and many, many friends. But he also left behing something.... else.
A collection of the (truly horrible) letters and book proposals from his previous life. Including titles such as:
Yoga for Pets
Am I my Brother's Sweeper?
Feel me, I'm 100% Rubber
The Secret of the Sphincters
Dog Vomit
Para-Military Baboon Command
UP YOURS: What every man over 40 should know about the Time Bomb in his plumbing
Alien Cyber Sauroid (written for those who love computers and dinosaurs)
Gerald the Lizard Boy
It gets better after the jump.
All of these brief excerpts are at least 15 years old. Names have been spared to protect those who write not good.
Some interesting opening sentences:
From Dear Tamsen: The Rye Revisited:
All I remember is seeing him working on the weekends in the yard and the gardens with the sweat pouring down his balding head, gritty, moist, and glissening, like a melon in the market that you carefully pick-up, feel for the soft spots, and gently press to your mouth.
From Memory of Another Life:
When Glen Hayes became a private detective he not only broke all the rules he nearly shattered them.
From Mad Genius:
Mad Genius, a 47 year-old vegetarian hippie, drives around Las Vegas, his home for the past 30 years, in an outrageous, modern-art masterpiece on wheels, which he christened, "The Madmobile." Not too many people have their names in large, chrome letters on the backs of their cars, let alone a name such as "Mad Genius." Yep! That’s his real name since he had it legally changed in September, 1987.
An introductory letter for Gerald the Lizard Boy:
It’s the mushy touching story of a father and his adopted son, who appears to be half human, half reptile. I always did like sentimental father and son stories, the trials and tribulations of child rearing, et cetera, et cetera. It’s great stuff. GREAT STUFF!
Another letter:
Keep the Peace-Apples Are On Sale is a faced paced, trendy, slick comedy about a fellow, Brian, who mysteriously mutates into a six foot tall banana with super powers.
Cover letter for Cottonmouth:
CAN A MACHO SOUTHERN SHERIFF FACE A NEW LIFE WITHOUT HIS MANHOOD, DESTROYED BY A COTTONMOUTH SNAKE? FIND OUT HOW SHERIFF JIM BROUSSARD BATTLES AGAINST THE SNAKE GOD COTTONMOUTH AND HIS VICIOUS VIPERS TO SAVE THE TOWN
*****************************************************
AN INDIANA JONES TYPE
ADVENTURE/THRILER NOVEL
SUITABLE FOR A MOVIE
*****************************************************
Excerpt From A Hard Night's Day:
Brilliance withered with the exotic undulating rhythms of the transvestite sushi dancer dressed in jade green and ruby red head piece on a night convention to hell.
A couple, um, interesting lines from something called Folksinging Blues:
CARIN’S in the bedroom she used to share with me. She may have Syphilllis, so I won‘t ever have sex with her again.
....
I’ve lost my soul; but that’s not the point. Soon I’ll find a girl with it. I’ll marry her. Sire boys and in the death scene I’ll have lsd and hash and a grip on the nurse’s twat: "shelter from the storm."
One author shows his command of metaphor:
Allow me to attempt to uncross the thighs of your mind about the scum of society.
Finally, a letter on HarperCollins letterhead:
Dear Bertha,
Neither of these proposals seems right for me. I did mention at least a year ago that I don’t edit fiction at all, so this novel obviously isn’t for me.
*********
Bertha – you have been sending me a proposal a week, on average, for over thirty years. None of them has worked out. Perhaps we’re not on the same wave length.
Would it make sense for you to try another editor with future proposals?
Best wishes,