Down in the bowels of Fox News lurks Ambush Central, the sacred room where the real decisions are made. Here the Fox News brain-trusts gather for their regular 5:30 am meeting. Seated at a large oval table are Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Fred Barnes, Brit Hume, Mort Kondracke, Mara Liasson, Bill O’Reilly, Alisyn Camerota, Sean Hannity, Alan Colmes, Juan Williams, James P. Pinkerton, Neil Cavuto, Liz Trotta. Hovering over the table are the Ghosts of Joseph McCarthy, Ronald Reagan, George W Bush (brainless), Karl Rove (heartless), Dick Cheney (soulless), Donald Rumsfeld (gutless), and Christmas Past (joyless). At the head of the table sits Roger Ailes.
Ailes: Everyone here? Okay, we’ll begin in just a ....
Hume: What happened to the lights?
Cavuto: Check the circuit breakers.
O’Reilly: It’s not the circuit breaker, Cavity. It’s Murdoch.
Barnes: Murdoch?
O’Reilly: Yeh. You know what those f***in’ Liberals call him?
Barnes: What?
Hannity: The Black Hole
O’Reilly: Right-O, Seanie.
Barnes: The Black Hole? Why?
O’Reilly: Because ..... (O’Reilly and Hannity exchange glances)
O’Reilly and Hannity in unison: He can suck all light out of the universe.
Colmes: Oh, my god I can’t see anything.
O’Reilly: F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Who woke up Alan? ..... Hannity? Jesus, I told you....
Hannity: Hell no! It wasn’t me. --- You know what I believe, "Let sleeping duds lie." Ha-ha-ha. Half the time I think the moron is sleeping during the show. Crap, for the first season I thought the guy was in a coma. --- Maybe he just regained consciousness.
O’Reilly: Never mind, he’s out again.
Ailes: Someone hit the emergency lighting. ..... Mr. Murdoch, good to see you. I hope you’ve been well.
Murdoch (Alias, The Black Hole): Well? Hell no! I pay each of you a hell of a lot of money to compromise your journalistic integrity, and I expect to get my money’s worth. So start compromising. You want to tell me what the hell you’ve been doing. Explain to me why Obama isn’t losing in the polls. He should be out of this race. I don’t care how you do it, but I want that man buried - now! Get the job done or you hacks will be looking for a new job and a new set of testicles or ovaries. Is that completely clear!? What a bunch of f**kin’ idiots!!!
Ailes: Yes sir. We’ll get right on it.
Murdoch: On it! On it hell! Get it done.
Ailes: Yes sir.
Hume: The lights are back on.
O’Reilly: No sh*t Brit.... Rup’s gone. God I love that man. (sigh)
Hannity: Me too. (sigh)
Steve Doocy: Me too. (sigh)
Gretchen Carlson: Me too. (sigh)
Brian Kilmeade: Me too. (sigh)
Fred Barnes: Me too. (sigh)
Brit Hume: Me too. (sigh)
Mort Kondracke: Me too. (sigh)
Mara Liasson: Me too. (sigh)
Alisyn Camerota: Me too. (sigh)
Sean Hannity: Me too. (sigh)
Alan Colmes: What? What? What happened? (startled)
Hannity: It’s okay Alan. It’s okay. It’s okay. Rock-a-baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the liberal will drop .... (hums)
Juan Williams: Me too. (sigh)
James P. Pinkerton: Me too. (sigh)
Neil Cavuto: Me too. (sigh)
Liz Trotta: Me too. (sigh)
Roger Ailes: Me too. (sigh) Me especially. (sigh)
(Ghostly whispers ....)
Joseph McCarthy: Meeeee Tooooo
Ronald Reagan: Meeeee Tooooo
George W Bush: Meeeee Tooooo
Karl Rove: Meeeee Tooooo
Dick Cheney: Meeeee Tooooo
Donald Rumsfeld: Meeeee Tooooo
Christmas Past: Hell, I’m outa here. This is even too spooky sickening for me.
Ailes: Holy crap boys, we’ve got to protect our phony-baloney jobs. ---- Give me a harumph.
Everyone: Harumph. Harumph. Harumph.
Ailes: I didn’t get an harumph out of that guy.
Hannity: It’s Colmes, Mr. Ailes.
Ailes: Is he out again?
Hannity: Alan wake up, wake up. Give Ailes an harumph.
Colmes: Harumphphphph.
Hannity: Well, he’s out again.
Ailes: Listen guys. They don’t call this the Ambush Room for nothing. It’s simple. Every time Obama or one of his supporters says something in public, we need to jump on it. If he talks about ending the war, Obama supports terrorism. If he talks about bringing the troops home, he wants to get rid of the military. If he supports reproductive rights, he wants to kill babies. If he talks about raising taxes on the wealthy - us -, he’s waging class warfare and wants to kill the rich and ruin the economy. If he says that he drinks milk, he’s trying to spread the cow disease. If he eats a hamburger, he’s a carnivore.
Trotta: Sir, anyone who eats meat is a carnivore. You’re a carnivore.
Ailes: Shut the f**k up Lizard.
Ailes: If he takes an aspirin, he’s a drug addict. If he gives anyone an aspirin, he’s a drug dealer. If he doesn’t have a dog, he hates animals. If he has a dog, he’s involved in dog fighting. If he eats chicken, he’s involved in cock-fighting. Look you guys, it’s easy to twist the facts and distort what they say, and take it out of context. If Obama or any of his supporters talk about religion, military service, gun control, race, separation of church and state, the Flag, flag pins, the pledge of allegiance, the Star Spangled Banner, welfare, public financing, recycling, gas prices, and especially taxes, I want that twisted so much that, compared to it, a pretzel would look straight. If Obama or one of his supporters knows anybody who knows anybody who talked to someone who heard that someone knew a person of interest, I want you to say that there is direct connection to criminal activity or unethical behavior. Keep in mind that we don’t have to be right nor accurate; we just have to keep saying it. Eventually the people will believe it. Remember, as far as we’re concerned, Obama doesn’t clarify and doesn’t change his mind on an issue; he flip flops. You’d better find a way to make it work against Obama, or you’ll be seeing The Black Hole. When he’s done with you all that will be left is your carcass. Also, remember, if you lose this job nobody is going to hire journalists that sold out their integrity.
Colmes: What? What? Did I miss something? Oh, by the way I would like to discuss something.
Everyone: NO! Go to sleep Alan!
Colmes: Okaaaaaay. (snoring)
Ailes: Okay everybody, its time to put our hands on the head Murdoch’s bust and bow our heads for a moment of silent prayer. You may pray to or worship him in your own way. (a minute later) Everybody done? Okay, let’s put our hands together. Now, what’s our motto?
Everyone: It’s the far right or no rights at all.
Ailes: What’s our motto?
Everyone: It’s the far right or no rights at all.
Ailes: What’s our motto?
Everyone: It’s the far right or no rights at all.
Ailes: Readyyy break. Let’s do it! Brit, you’re up first. Go gettum.
(Somewhere in the dark recesses of the Fox News castle.)
Announcer: This is the Special Report with Brit Hume
Brit Hume: I’ve just been handed a Fox Breaking News Bulletin: General Wesley Clark has just answered a question about John McCain’s qualifications based on his military service. This is the most outrageous thing that I have heard in my thirty years of doing this journalistic writing and broadcasting thingy. I am simply appalled that anyone would impugn John McCain’s integrity by directly answering a question about this true American hero.
Brit Hume: I’ve been handed a Fox News Special Update: General Wesley Clark has continued his slanderous attacks on this true American hero. Clark actually said that flying Navy combat missions "isn't the same as having been in the highest levels of the military and having to work with the president and other heads of the state and make those kinds of life or death decisions about national strategic issues." America, in my fifty years of journalistic suborning, I mean reporting, I find it outrageously appalling that anyone would say that flying combat missions doesn’t qualify a person to be President. Certainly it does. He had to make that plane go where he wanted it to. That’s the same experience as directing the cabinet. He had to talk on that radio whatchamacallit. That’s the same experience as communicating with foreign leaders. He had to plot a course and do all kinds of math and stuff. That’s the same experience as economics because it involves math. He was shot down and tortured. That’s the same experience as being married. (Whoops. Can we edit that out?) If that doesn’t qualify you, what the hell does? George W. Bush flew a military jet and look how well that turned out. General Clark has overstepped his bounds. He has insulted every American and every winner of every medal of every war for all time.
Brit Hume: It’s another Fox News Special Update: We have a report from a reliable source that General Clark is secretly plotting to falsify military documents saying that John McCain’s military record is accurate. In my eighty years of bogus and contrived award winning journalism, I have never come across such an insidious plot. This General Clark has absolutely no regard for the sacrifice that John McCain made for his country. Does this man have no decency.I put him in the same class as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Caligula, and Snidely Whiplash. To blatantly attack this true American hero is the worst act by an American since Benedict Arnold (Mumbling to himself: God Save the Queen. That one’s for you Rupy ).
Brit Hume: It’s another Fox News Special Update: General Wesley Clark has just run over John McCain’s puppy, Stars and Stripes. Ohhh the humanity. Does this man have no patriotism. He has crushed the life out of all Americans. In my one-hundred ten years of near journalistic accuracy, I have never witnessed anything like this. He is a traitorous slime who tortures kittens and doesn’t recycle. He should be ashamed.
Brit Hume: It’s another Fox News Special Update: General Wesley Clark has just decapitated Santa Claus and spiked his head on the North Pole. And in an associated report there is evidence that he barbecued the Easter Bunny. Will this madman never cease his destructive rampage? Never in my two-hundred fifteen years of superior journalistic distortion, I mean reporting, have I come across a man so bent on the total destruction of this great country and its greatest American hero. I have a classified report in my hand from a source close to a staff member who has heard of someone who has seen the Virgin Mary’s image on a french fry. This highly reliable report proves that Wesley Clark is really the son of Satan and the father of Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, the Hillside Strangler and Jack-the-Ripper. Yes, he is The Zodiac Killer.
Brit Hume: It’s another Fox News Special Update: Brit Hume has just been shot. Well folks that about wraps it up for this evening. Have a good day and we’ll see you tomorrow when we will present a Special Report that proves that you can make Mount Saint Helens out of an ant hill. So, we’ll see you ... Oh my God I’ve been shot in the ass. Alan Colmes, thank god you’re here. My blood’s leaking out. Put your finger in the hole. Not that hole you jackass. On second thought just leave your finger there, yea that feels good. Just put another in the bullet hole.
Production Director: Okay we’re off in one, two, three, break. Okay folks that’s a wrap. We have an announcement. Fox News Special Report has a vigilante meeting at midnight tonight. Be sure to bring duck tape and a strong rope. This one’s pot luck so bring enough for everyone. Bill O’Reilly already has dibs on the arsenic punch. Attire will be casual mob wear. Hey, who has Clark’s address. Hannity? Okay, will you email MapQuest directions to everyone? (Hannity nods) Good. We’ll all meet in front of his house, okay? Be safe out there. Love ya.
Diarist’s Addendum: This is my application to qualify my experience to be President.
Using the Fox News/Republican/McCain doctrine #1984, I am submitting my qualifications to be commander in chief.
Qualifications: Deputy Missile Combat Crew Commander
System: Titan II Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM)
Payload: 9.4 Megaton Nuclear Warhead
Specific Duties: Insure proper communications with Alternate Command Post; Site Maintenance and emergency troubleshooting of all systems; turn keys to start WWIII.
Qualifications: Alternate Command Post Deputy Missile Combat Crew Commander
System: Titan II Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM)
Payload: 9.4 Megaton Nuclear Warhead
Specific Duties: Insure proper communications from Alternate Command Post to nine launch sites; Track readiness for assigned sites; report launch success to SAC headquarters during WWIII.
Qualifications: Missile Combat Crew Commander
System: Titan II Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM)
Payload: 9.4 Megaton Nuclear Warhead
Specific Duties: Insure crew readiness; Monitor Site Maintenance and control emergency troubleshooting of all systems; turn keys to start WWIII.
I wasn’t shot down and tortured, but I have been married twice.