As we all now know Purity DEMANDS that we shoot ourselves, our country, and the Progressive Movement in the foot by not voting for one of the most viable Progressive Political leaders in the last forty years because... you know he is Pure on every political issue. Okay, so we'll be giving the country over to a much worse Republican buffoon who will keep us in Iraq 100 years and turn a bad recession into a Great Depression, but we can all feel smugly self-righteous about our choice to remain political pure on the soup kitchen line.
So if you are a little hesitant in sitting on your hands in the name of Purity I've compiled a list of reasons you can cite to everyone who will listen (all two of them) as reasons you are not voting for Barack Obama.
I'm Not Voting for Barack Obama:
Because Barack Obama is NOT a Super-Hero.
Because Barack Obama is a Super-Hero and supported the Superhuman Registration Act.
Because Barack Obama is a Super-Hero and did not support the Superhuman Registration Act.
Because Barack Obama is a Super-Hero in the Marvel Universe.
Because Barack Obama is a Super-Hero in the D.C. Universe.
Because Barack Obama sucks at Laser Tag.
Because Barack Obama owned you at Halo 3.
Because Barack Obama said he preferred Gillian Anderson's performance in the X-Files to David Duchovny's.
Because Barack Obama goes to Burger King and still insists on having it his way.
Because Barack Obama secretly replaced your coffee with Folger's Crystals.
Because Barack Obama obviously thinks Scarlett Johanssen is Hotter than Angelina Jolie.
Because Barack Obama is too sexy for shirt.
Because Barack Obama is too sexy for his hat.
Because Barack Obama is too sexy for his cat, what you thinks about that?
Because Barack Obama thinks Steve Carrell doesn't have range
Because Barack Obama thought the ending to The Sopranos was great.
Because Barack Obama thought the ending to The Sopranos sucked.
Because Barack Obama is a Jedi Master.
Because Barack Obama trained as a Jedi, but in his early years in Indonesia attended a Sith Madrassa
Because Barack Obama wears his sunglasses at night.
Because Barack Obama changed the tags on your diary and called you a Purity Troll
Because Barack Obama said that one night in Bangkok doesn't really make a hard man harder, then downplayed his comments.
Because Barack Obama supports Kang over Kodos.
Because Barack Obama doesn't need FISA; he knows when you are sleeping, knows when you are awake, and insists that you be good for goodness sake.
Because Barack Obama preferred "The Profiler" to "Millennium" in the early 90s, and has since admitted he just watched "The Profiler" because of Ally Walker
Because Barack Obama is not Spock.
Because Barack Obama is not Leonard Nimoy.
Because Barack Obama said he enjoyed "Hancock" mainly to pander to Will Smith.
Because Barack Obama can violate the laws of Thermodynamics.
Because Barack Obama wants to declare peace with the Klingons and tear down the Federation Neutral Zone.
And the number one reason not to vote for Barack Obama is ...
Because Barack Obama has demonstrated that he cannot be all things to all people all of the time.