It's Friday, I've had a rough week. Maybe you have, too.
It's time for a Top Ten list. Let's go.
(All the usual rules for an apolitical diary apply here. Keep the politics to the other diaries, please)
- Matt Doran as Mouse in "The Matrix"
When you're making a groundbreaking sci-fi action movie at the turn of the century that touches upon virtual reality, the Internet and video gaming, you're going to attract a certain kind of audience -- mouth-breathing nerds. So knowing this, why would you want to make a mouth-breathing nerd a character? To make the audience feel more immersed in the movie, as though they had an on-screen representative of some kind? Anyway, his penchants for pin-up girls notwithstanding, Mouse found himself bricked in and killed pretty quickly, so that's probably why he's not further up the list. Also, "Mouse"? Lame techno codename.
- Quentin Tarantino as Mr. Brown in "Reservoir Dogs"
You know, I thought long and hard about this one before coming to the conclusion that this character is goddamn irritating. I love the movie, but there's something about a perv like QT talking about big dicks and fuck machines (at the breakfast table, no less) with that giant forehead and ratlike grin of his leering at you. Something about hearing that guy talk makes me understand why women are afraid of date rape. I can't explain it. Maybe it's my problem. In any case, he should have stayed behind the camera for this role, not in front of it.
- Jeremy Davies as Cpl. Upham in "Saving Private Ryan"
This is an example of me hating a character because I'm supposed to. But I think the overwhelming feeling of sheer revulsion that this character generated in me when I saw this movie for the first time is enough to gain him a spot on this list. Make no mistake -- the actor did an admirable job with the character. It wasn't his fault. But having to watch the most lovable character in the whole movie (Pvt. Mellish) die a slow, agonizing death at the hands of the Nazi soldier that Upham didn't have the balls to shoot was unbearable, and one of the most painful experiences I can remember having in a movie.
- Paul A. Partain as Franklin from "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre"
Maybe Franklin wasn't that annoying. Maybe he was just upset at John Larroquette for introducing him in the title cards as "her invalid brother." But hey, I guess it was a simpler time back then. Franklin steals every scene he's in. From his impression of a bolt-gun used at a slaughterhouse, to his constant screaming for Sally, to his musings on whether or not "that's blood," this wheelchair-bound simpleton is a delight. In fact, if I had much more fun with Franklin, I don't think I could take it.
- Juliette Lewis as Danielle Bowden in "Cape Fear"
This is another example of me hating the character and the character's actions, not the actor and the actor's performance. Juliette Lewis did a fantastic job with this character, especially for a young actor. But I just couldn't get over the cringe-worthy stupidity of this character and her mindless infatuation with a man who is clearly trying to kill her entire family.
Some people thought her acting was unrealistic, but I can totally buy her portrayal of a romantically confused 15-year-old. Still, if you had a crazy man who you knew to be a murderer and a rapist, would you really still care about impressing him by reading the book that he gave you?
- Emma Watson as Hermoine Granger in "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone"
es, I know she's supposed to be a bookish know-it-all, but there's such a thing as overdoing it. Even in a movie whose primary audience is going to be children, there can be such a thing as subtlety. There's something about the way that the young Hermoine aggressively bites off the end of every word she speaks that really grates on me. Too much e-nun-ci-a-tion.
And there are moments where we're supposed to feel sorry for her, but some of her earlier delivery makes it hard for her to be that sympathetic of a character. Fortunately, Emma Watson wound up growing into this role quite a bit and did a much better job in later movies. If you ask me, these movies have only gotten better and better.
- Kate Capshaw as Willie Scott in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"
Sleep with director, get part. It's a simple formula that basically built Hollywood into the town it is today. It would be a win-win proposition except for the fact that is ruins movies. Although a lot of people will argue with you over this, I don't think she ruined this movie, but she was most assuredly a reliably annoying character, making her a perfect candidate for this list. Maybe she wasn't that bad, as much as she was a let-down from the previous movie. Going from Marion Ravenwood to Willie Scott is like going from steak to chilled monkey brains.
- Leo Fitzpatrick as Telly in "Kids"
Forget Nazis and zombies and monsters. This single character is probably the most amoral asshole ever captured on film. Calling himself "the virgin surgeon," he is violent, he is thoughtless, he is power-hungry and he is single-minded in his pursuit of sex with the nearest confused teenage girl.
You could almost defend the consequences of his actions by pointing out that he never knew that he was HIV-positive, but that's almost incidental. As he says, if he didn't have sex, he would be nothing. So I'm not at all convinced that he would have changed his behavior at all if he did know he was spreading a deadly disease around.
- Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump in "Forrest Gump"
I guess I object to the point of this movie, and the way it uses its main character to make that point more than anything else, including Hanks' portrayal of the semi-special Forrest Gump. Let's see. OK. An incurious oaf who never shows an ounce of initiative become a national hero, meets president after president, bumbles his way into a successful business, becomes a millionaire and generally has everything go right for him.
However his love interest, a free spirited independent thinker who makes her own choices in life rather than simply follow other people's orders slowly descends into a death-spiral of drugs and sexually transmitted diseases. But still, seeing a character like that rewarded again and again while his friends suffer makes the character really annoying to me -- although perhaps not as annoying as the filmmakers.
- Jar-Jar Binks in "The Phantom Menace"
This guy set the tone for the entire trilogy. After waiting years for the long-predicted first three "Star Wars" movies, fans of the series were introduced to a character that was childish, irritating and arguably offensive to Jamaicans. Not only that, but he was in almost every scene, even serious scenes that didn't call for the presence of a comic relief character. But I guess George Lucas has got to have his cutesy characters so the kids will buy pajamas and breakfast cereal.
Lucas tried to explain Jar-Jar's absence from the fifth Star Wars movie (Sorry, I'm not calling it the second. "Empire" was the second.) by saying that he never planned for Jar-Jar to be a part of it. But we all know the truth. Much as he tried to deny that he would compromise his artistic vision on the whims of the audience, the audience had it right on this one. There's a reason Jar-Jar was universally despised.