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Senator McCain:

It has come to my attention that you are trying to familiarize yourself with the Internet... and yes, the noun is singular in case you've been listening to George.

I would like to offer to you a few helpful suggestions which will make your internet 'watching' experience more productive and less dangerous.

Follow, if you may, after the fold.

Let us start by defining a few necessary terms:

Webpage -- these pages come in many forms, some useful and informative.  Others are a good place to hock your wares.  Still, there is much to be wary of.  Some sites may fulfill your prurient intersts, but it will end your career if the media ever catches you watching this salacious video.

Blogs -- The people, they are a noisome bunch.  They appear to have much to say: to themselves, to each other, to any stranger they can grab on the street.  They especially want to talk to you... yes, you John McCain.  Please make yourself as available as possible to talk to bloggers.  We have much to learn from your wisdom.  Please talk to us.  We'll bring the cat pics, which is our sustenance here.

Email -- do not be afraid of email.  It is totally private.  There are millions of emails floating around each day.  Noone could possibly read all of them.  But there is so much good stuff out there.  I just yesterday received great word from Nigeria where I apparently have one million dollars waiting for me if I can free up a mere ten thousand dollars to pay off some legal fees or something.  I didn't read too closely, but you better bet my check is in the mail.  I'm sure your campaign could use that kind of cash.  You should look into it.

P.S.: when sending email there is a little empty box labelled 'cc'.  That box is for preventing your email from ending up in the wrong hands.  Make sure to enter as many Democratic addresses into the box as you can.  You can use a comma to separate them. For example:  info@barackobama.com, kos@dailykos.com.  The 'bcc' box is super special and should be used only for the most egregious of enemies.  Now you can feel free to email in complete and total safety.  Not even Homeland Security can touch you.

There are many other features to the internet as well.  If you feel the need to talk to underage teens, or people pretending to be underage teens, you can always try Yahoo chat or AOL.  I hear that those conversations are wholesome and pure and protected by the highest levels of confidentiality.  Heck, Congressmen from your own Party have used them periodically to inquire about the well-being of their pages.

I hope this little overview has proven helpful to you and yours.  Feel free to link here your email.  I am sure you will get instant input from all kinds of noisome citizens.

Sincerely,

John Q. Public

Originally posted to tecampbell on Mon Jul 14, 2008 at 10:36 PM PDT.

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