Somehow Martha Stewart's Living got into my bathroom. I got into my bathroom and sat on the throne, which less of a mystery.
In a corner somewhere, I saw this:
I thought these clowns needed some edumacation in porch sitting. So here goes.
First of all, why do you want a potted plant on the porch? Oh, because the Martha Stewart photographer is coming... but aside from that... there should be enough plants next to the porch.
Nice touch with the orange juice on the railing. And the one dog in the arms because she wouldn't sit still but for some reason the damn dog had to be in the picture although in terms of rustic charm, she's not helping.
That the mother and daughter have the same outfit on, same hair style, same smile and look about the same age is a nice touch.
I hate my man's coffee cup. He bought that son of a bitch at Pottery Barn and they have 25 all the same. If one gets chipped they throw it away.
I'm going to go easy on the son but I bet he doesn't have any callouses on those bare feet. If he did, he wouldn't have a collar shirt and... well, I said I would go easy on him.
The lamp is straight and on, in the middle of the day. Also from Pottery Barn.
I hate their windows, their shutters. They could use a mutt.
Now I'm going to show you how to sit on a porch:
We look relaxed because the baby was born the night before and we're tired as hell. You can't fake that. And where's the dog? Who the hell knows. He might have shown up for the picture but well... he just didn't.
The screen door has been wrecked so many times by so many different critters there are 3 different kinds of screen on it. The lamp is crooked and is never on, because the bugs can go right through the screen and their attracted to light. And the feet: we keep our shoes in a nice jumble there to the side of the door and not on the feet at all.
And the faded porch paint is nicely charming and rustic and it's only going to get more charming and rustic as time passes.
And then if you get one kid black, the rest white, that really adds color to the family, even if the dog takes off and doesn't listen for shit... and if he did the screen door wouldn't be such a disaster.
Now that I showed those Martha Stewart cats how to sit on a porch, in my next diary I'm learn them bastards how to entertain guests.