...re-written so even gun-grabbers, women-haters, and "better christians than you" can understand them.
(Sub-titled "The Things I Come Up With When I'm Bored")
First Amendment – Free people have a right to meet and discuss things, so it's not illegal to say whatever you want to whoever you want in person or in writing, go to any church you want to go to, hang out with anyone you want to, or stop the government from violating the constitution.
Second Amendment – American citizens have the right to own the same weapons as any other infantry soldier, even during peacetime. We can use them for hunting, self-defense, whatever, but mostly we don't want to be caught with our pants down if some asshole decides to invade us or take away our rights.
Third Amendment – You don't have to give free food and lodging to soldiers who are wouldn't be there if somebody wasn't trying to oppress you.
Fourth Amendment – No one can look through your underwear drawer, listen in on your phone calls, find out your checking account balance, or see what medications you're taking without a damned good reason that's agreed to in writing by people who are qualified to say you're most likely already a criminal who's just waiting to be caught. Even then, they can't look through your medical records or in your sock drawer if they think you've been stealing refrigerators; refrigerators won't fit in a sock drawer.
Fifth Amendment – You don't have to do the prosecutor's job for them by confessing, and you don't have to give your shit away to anyone who says "I'm with the government". Plus, if the prosecutor can't prove you're guilty (s)he doesn't get to take another shot at you later. BTW, if you want to be a real asshole about it, no one can even charge you with a serious crime unless a grand jury agrees with them, first. Unless you're a soldier. Then you're kinda fucked.
Sixth Amendment – You're innocent until someone proves otherwise, so you can't be held in jail without charges being filed against you. If charges are filed against you, you not only get to go to court right away, you get to face down anyone who says you're a criminal, and you can have a lawyer help you.
Seventh Amendment – Not only that, you also get to let your friends and neighbors decide who's lying.
Eighth Amendment – Nobody gets to torture you, and since you're innocent you should be able to afford to wait at home, not in jail, for your trial to end.
Ninth Amendment – If we left anything out, it's YOUR right, not the government's.
Tenth Amendment – States can't ignore the constitution just because half the people in the state, plus one, don't like the rules. Pass all the laws you like, but don't fuck with the constitution. This is all about freedom, baby! You've got it, and it's gonna take more than mob rule to take it away from you.
Bonus!
The 14th amendment:
Section 1. If you were born here or you passed the citizenship test nobody can pass a law saying you don't have the same constitutional rights that they do.
Section 2. If states pull shit to keep people with the right to vote from voting, they don't get as much say in national elections.
Section 3. Confederates can't be part of our government unless we say they can, and we aren't going to say so unless they're REALLY sorry.
Section 4. If you spent a lot of money trying to keep slavery legal, or trying to secede from the United States, you're shit out of luck if you ever expect to see it again.
Section 5. If you don't like it, we'll pass MORE laws and FORCE you to like it.