Seriously? Obama picked [him/her]?!
In every year of my adult life when there has been a [presidential/congressional/senatorial/school board] election, I have tried not to [be a single-issue voter/threaten to vote for the Republican out of spite/jump off a bridge over one soundbite/get stuck in the voting booth].
But this time around, I'm [putting my foot down/drawing the line/saying "enough's enough"/having a sandwich].
My reasons are beyond the [jump/pale], if you'd care to [follow/ignore/hide-rate] me.
Sorry [Obama/Senator/BHO/Non-McCain-Guy], but the [man/woman/pootie/pie] whom you have chosen to be your running mate is [far/way/like so totally] too [liberal/conservative/moderate/business-friendly/left-handed/hot/good at pinball] for me to ever consider supporting [him/her/it].
See, I'm committed to [solving/worrying about/harping on] one [issue/problem/crisis/logarithm]. And with your announcement [today/tomorrow/soon/for the rest of your life] of your running mate, you have made it [clear/questionable/snacktacular] as to where you stand. And I'm sorry [sir/Senator/dude], but it seems you do not stand with me.
But don't get me wrong; it's not just your choice of running mate that has me [upset/apoplectic/kinda sleepy/sheepishly turned on]. These feelings of [doubt/betrayal/paranoia/incontinence] have been building within me for [a few minutes].
I mean, let's look at the way you've [responded to/ignored] John McCain's recent attack ads. He blamed you- you- for [high gas prices/the housing crisis/global warming/continental drift/the extinction of the dinosaurs/the cancellation of My So-Called Life]! He compared you to [Britney Spears/Paris Hilton/Amy Winehouse/Andy Dick/Tony Danza]! He said you're not ready to [lead/follow/get out of the way]!
Honestly, after all that, how could you not go on a [rampage/bike ride/Slurpee bender] calling John McCain out for what he is, which is [a liar/a liar/a liar/a liar]?! Not only that, but McCain has also proven himself to be [seriously, he's a fucking liar and he can't get away with this].
The sad thing is, I used to [trust/respect/idolize/have action figures of] you and your entire campaign staff. I was with you from [the very beginning/Super Tuesday/Hillary's concession speech/your Berlin speech/a convincing word from Mika on this morning's Morning Joe].
But after the [risky/reckless/conservative/moderate/winning] direction you've taken in the last few [weeks/days/nanoseconds], I have come to the [well-considered/solemn/hastily ad-libbed] conclusion that your entire staff- including [David Plouffe/David Axelrod/Barack Obama] should be [fired/laid off/forced to play raquetball with Gilbert Gottfried].
Sorry, but that's [just/not actually] how I feel, and I'll [stick to it/get over it by the weekend/see you on the raquetball court].
So in conclusion, Senator Obama, I hope you like [losing/close elections/living in the White House]. Because that's exactly what you're in for.
And it all starts with losing my [vote/attention/mind].
[Update/Needless Self-Indulgence]:
Hey, [nice/rad/okay, I guess] to be on the rec list! [Thanks Everybody!/SYFPH!] :)