Friday, August 1, 2008
Dear Diary,
This is so exciting. You know how I'm learning to computer? Well I found this interweb page devoted to Geritol! You can order it right there and I would have except I couldn't remember where I left my credit card. It's very helpful because the other day it was time for my dose and the bottle was empty. Cindy-pills offered to share hers but I just can't trust that bitch. I mean, she'll put anything in a bottle and drink it. I couldn't call my assistant to get me more because I forgot his phone number. I wonder: can you order Depends on the interweb?
Remember how I reversed my position on offshore oil drilling and right away collected like almost a million dollars from the oil industry? And how my call to stay in Iraq indefinitely and bomb Iran brought me a packet from the defense industry? This has given me lots of good ideas. I'm going to call for mining in the national parks, the abolition of EPA and OSHA and the SEC, lower water and air quality standards, and the elimination of banking regulations, CAFE, and all other harmful restrictions on capitalism. Gonna have to hire more accountants just to keep my deposit register up to date!
Must take ol' John Edwards aside and give him some advice. Like, if you're romping with your wench, don't do it in the dead of night at some fancy hotel. Broad daylight is better, trust me on that. The press is too hungover to care, and your wife's out shopping. As I always tell the Vikster, it's better in the light of day. Besides, it's not like I can stay up much past 6:30 anyway.