The 'Dona in the 'Zona (AP) -- Senator John McCain, his campaign lagging behind that of Democrat Barack Obama, announced a new program to go after black votes, in the hopes of eating into the support of the Illinois senator. The announcement, at McCain's three-house compound in Sedona, Arizona, included a last-minute change in location, as McCain demanded reporters describe it in his new campaign lingo to match the tone of his new program.
"It's the ''Dona in the 'Zona'," said the Arizona senator. "That's how the people we're trying to reach talk. I got on the internet myself last night and found something called UrbanDictionary dot com, but my daughter persuaded me that putting 'izzle' into either Sedona or Arizona just wouldn't sound right. Anyway, you got me off-topic, dawg; I'm trying to get my new black voter outreach program some hype!"
McCain denied reports of an increased urgency based on the racial elements of his recent attack ads, his campaign's eviction of a black reporter from the press section of a recent event, and his own crappy record on civil rights issues. "I'm trying to flip the script," said McCain. "I almost made the announcement on the show of my man, Don Imus, because I was told he'd have some pull with the East Coast crews. And I know he's been around some controversy lately, some drama as you people say, but he was just trying to be cool, to fit in, using your language. He called some women 'ho's,' rappers say 'bitches and ho's'; so what? I called my wife a c---, so you know I'm keepin' it real."
New campaign manager Steve Schmidt, sporting an electric blue velour tracksuit and a matching Kangol hat, said the campaign is talking to MTV Cribs about a multi-part series for McCain. "The man's got like what, eight houses? I lose track," said Schmidt. "Y'all're into the lifestyle, the bling, the entourage, right? Y'all like your celebrities, don't you? That's what we're about - you down with G.O.P.? Yeah, you know me." Schmidt derided reports that McCain favors $520 Ferragamo shoes as merely "playa-hatin', yo. If you got it, flaunt it, know what I mean?"
McCain picked up the theme of economic aspiration. "I got mad money - and no, I don't mean the show." McCain paused and glanced past the microphone at the reporters. "I'm really starting to dig this," he said, sticking his hands into his pockets and starting to bob his head a little. "Yeah, yeah," he added, lowering his voice. "Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. Raise your hands," said McCain, looking around expectantly. "I would, but I can't, because I got tortured. Which I don't like to talk about. I got tortured, but I don't like to talk about it." McCain paused again. "Listen, I'm new to this call-and-response thing: should I say the first part, and you say the rest, or I say the whole thing, and you repeat it?" The reporters in the pool exchanged blank glances. "How about this," said McCain. "I say, 'I got tortured,' you say, 'but I don't like to talk about it,' and then you quote me as saying, 'I got tortured, but I don't like to talk about it.' Because it's what I'm saying, even if you're singing along." Schmidt assured the press they'd get a copy of the full lyrics. "Only if you get the quote right," he said. "And remind people that we don't like to talk about it."
Schmidt also explained that McCain would be continuing the Bush tradition of holding campaign events at public settings and clearing the crowd of citizens who didn't already support his campaign. "That's just how it's done now," said Schmidt, turning his Kangol hat around backwards. "We've got a schedule set, too - we're going on tour, just like Obama's global joy-ride. But we're going to American cities, talking to Americans. Detroit, Oakland, Newark, Gary, L.A., Atlanta." (As of press time, Schmidt could not name any actual black McCain supporters, or even black Republicans, in any of the above cities, but expressed confidence that reporters would turn out, as McCain himself described them as "my base," and they agree.)
McCain lamented the partisan loyalty and identification of black people with the Democratic party, despite Abraham Lincoln's anti-slavery stance. "Some people say Bill Clinton was the first black president, so I'm trying to be the second. Sure, of course Senator Obama could be a black president," said the aging white man whose ancestors owned slaves, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "But he had it easy. His mom was white - yo, I had a white moms, too! - and he didn't have to put up with rumors that he had an illegitimate black daughter. So I don't see why he gets so much credit." [note: one sign this isn't an actual AP story is that we'll mention that Fox News did, in fact, cast aspersions on the legitimacy of Obama's family by calling his wife his "baby-mama."]
As the sun eased lower in the late-afternoon sky, McCain noticed a giant Flavor Flav-style watch on Schmidt's chest. "I got time for one question before dinner, so make it easy." Elisabeth Bumiller of the New York Times raised her hand and smiled nervously. "Of course, Senator," she said. She fidgeted. "I hope this isn't hard for you, it's a little tougher than I would usually ask." McCain tried to smile at her, and she continued. "Do you have a fall-back plan in case your black voter outreach program doesn't seem to make enough inroads with black voters?" she asked. "I mean, I'm sure it will, I believe it should, and that's how I'm going to cover the story for the rest of the campaign, but, well, Obama's actually black, and that might be persuasive to those people."
McCain nodded slowly. "I hear you, sister," he said. "Even if it doesn't work, we'll just do what we always do: steal that shit, accuse the Democrats of caring more about black voters than regular Americans, and laugh all the way to the White House." The senior senator from Arizona squinted at the setting sun, then at the gathered press. "Now, who wants ribs? Y'all gotta bring your own donuts, though, 'cause I'm rich, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna share with you!"
A ripple of laughter rose among the reporters, rippling out into the quiet, darkening sky, and spreading through the open space beyond.