Ahh, remakes. Where would Hollywood be without them? Well, I guess they'd still have sequels and adaptations of books and TV shows.
Before we get started, I want you to know that I'm not reflexively against remakes. There have been some truly fantastic ones.
"The Thing," for example, is John Carpenter's excellent remake of "The Thing From Another World." Brian De Palma did a classic re-imagination of "Scarface," which is itself a great movie if you haven't seen it.
I didn't even know that "The Birdcage" was a remake until recently, but it's one of my favorite comedies. And while some people think that Robert De Niro was over the top in "Cape Fear," I really enjoy the performances in that remake.
So I'm not against remakes in principle. I didn't want this to be viewed as an attack on the convention of remaking movies.
However a lot of the upcoming remakes that are in the works right now are remakes of movies I grew up with, and have loved for many years. So let's take a look at some of those movies that are about to get a makeover by new filmmakers and actors...
This does not include sequels or adaptations from other media. This is movies that are (for better or for worse) about to be made into new movies. As you can see already, there are more than a few of them in the works.
"The Day the Earth Stood Still"
Status of the original: Sci-fi masterpiece of the era
Why it might not suck: OK, I saw the preview, and in the last quarter-of-a-second you get a little glimpse of Gort, who is Klaatu's robot, as you probably remember. At least they'll include Gort. You really have to.
Why it probably will: Well, first of all there's Keanu. Second, this movie was never really that impressive to today's audiences. It's hard to view it as a product of its era, but at the time it was easily the most ground-breaking of the flying saucer genre. The timeless message of this movie requires no remaking, and any changes that could be made would be strictly superficial. You can't touch the heart of this movie.
"The Evil Dead"
Status of the original: The cult classic of all cult classics
Why it might not suck: Apparently Raimi and Company have decided not to have the character Ash in this movie at all, which gives me some hope that some upstart actor won't be trying to out-Bruce Bruce Campbell.
Why it probably will: "The Evil Dead" is a handmade movie. Every second of the movie's years-long production was lovingly struggled through by the student filmmakers that cobbled it together. They'd run out of money, and then have to go out and raise more to get started again. Simply put, it's hard to try to recapture this kind of authentic feel. It was produced in an era of filmmaking that is no more.
"Hellraiser"
Status of the original: Full-on horror franchise that has fallen on hard times with endless sequels
Why it might not suck: Clive Barker is writing it and Bob Weinstein has a hand in it as well.
Why it probably will: "Hellraiser," along with "The Thing" (itself a remake) are two examples that I always point to as the pinnacle of horror special effects in the pre-CGI epoch. All the makeup and technical effects were totally hand-crafted and made without a hint of computer interference. Pinhead himself (who will not be played by the same actor) might benefit from a re-imaging, but I don't even know what the would look like without all the sloppy, gritty, visceral effects of the original. It would be a lot sleeker, I think, and would emphasis the arcane technology of the Cenobytes and the Lamont Configuration.
"Conan the Barbarian"
Status of the original: Beloved action-romp from a pre-Governorship Arnold
Why it might not suck: I just recently went back to watch this movie and its sequel, "Conan the Destroyer." The action is good, but it plods around quite a bit while explaining its own mythology. It's like dumbed-down Tolkein. But still, they don't make many movies like this anymore, so it might be fun for a change.
Why it probably will: Word is it will probably be acted out by some WWE wrestler, like Hunter Hearst Helmsley or Duane "The Rock" Thompson. The end result, I think, will look like a straight-to-video effort.
"Westworld"
Status of the original: Iconic and influential sci-fi favorite
Why it might not suck: Names like Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone are being thrown around to play the android character originally played with much so force and on-screen presence by Yul Brennar. Brennar was in his prime, while all these people are way past theirs. Quentin Tarantino, incidentally, was approached to be the director, but that idea isn't going to happen.
Why it probably will: This one might be good on its own, but there's simply no way this movie could ever be as groundbreaking as the original, which went on to inspire movies such as "Jurassic Park" and "The Terminator."
"A Nightmare on Elm Street"
Status of the original: Full-on horror franchise that has fallen on hard times with endless sequels
Why it might not suck: As with the remake of "Amityville Horror" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," Michael Bay is producing this movie, but not directing it, so it could be a decent enough remake. I can't find whether Wes Craven will direct, but I hope he doesn't. That guy has seriously lost his touch.
Why it probably will: This is actually one of the only remakes I'm excited about. Freddie Krueger is a timeless character that plays on a very basic fear. I have high hopes for this re-imagining, and hope it will be at least as good as "Wes Craven's New Nightmare." Note: Robert Englund will NOT play Krueger. For some reason, this doesn't bother me.
"Friday the 13th"
Status of the original: Full-on horror franchise that has fallen on hard times with endless sequels
Why it might not suck: It can't be worse than "Jason X," which was so far over the top that you couldn't even appreciate it on a camp level (no pun intended).
Why it probably will: Let's face it. There's no way you can remake "Friday the 13th" without the hockey-mask wearing Jason Voorhees. People associate Jason with the movie too strongly, and have largely forgotten that Jason as we know him was not a crucial part of the first movie. So right there, you're going to have to cheat a little and put him in the movie or the audience will be angry with the filmmakers.
"Clash of the Titans"
Status of the original: Millennial '80s-retro favorite
Why it might not suck: You know something, this movie never felt to me like it was made in 1981. It was, but it feels much older than that. It was a late-breaking sword and sandals epic, and one of the most recently-made movies to feature monsters brought to life by the inestimable Ray Harryhausen. Director Steve Norrington is a dud ("League of Extraordinary Gentlemen," blech), but veteran writer Laurence Kasdan (of "Jedi" and "Empire" fame) will pen the script. A good sign!
Why it probably will: This movie, like many others on this list, is a product of the pre-CGI era. What made it so great was its handmade quality. You could almost see the fingerprints of the creators all over it. From what I've read about this movie, it may sound better than it looks with such a great writer. Maybe Harryhausen himself could get involved? He's not dead, but at 88 years old I don't know if he's able to return from work.
"The Creature from the Black Lagoon"
Status of the original: Universal Monsters classic
Why it might not suck: Producer Breck Eisner said he imagines this movie as more aggressive than the original, in the vein of "Alien" or "The Thing." But then again, M. Night Shyamalan compared his killer tree movie to Alfred Hitchcock, so this means nothing.
Why it probably will: Eisner said the original monster costume made the underwater scenes in the original "awkward." I couldn't disagree more! It's one of the most convincing monsters in a suit to come out of the golden age of monster movies. Find the oxygen tank or the zipper on that costume! You can't. However, Eisner did say that he prefers an authentic Amazon locale to too much CGI, so that could be a good sign. Still, this movie is one of my favorite monster movies, and I grew up with it.
"The Birds"
Status of the original: Unassailable classic
Why it might not suck: Sorry, I've got nothing. A better director than the guy behind the "Goldeneye" era Bond films tried to remake "Psycho," and we all know what happened with that. You can find it today in the bargain DVD bin.
Why it probably will: "OK, listen. Instead of gulls, how about giant, mutant pterodactyls? Maybe there's a genetic research lab near Bodega Bay, right? A big Pentagon contract? And the birds are all freaked out and deformed, like."
So... discuss. Are there any ones I'm missing? Or maybe you have some favorite remakes you want to share? Oh, what am I saying, you'd much rather talk about the ones that sucked.