Today's SF Chronicle describes findings of local scientists (yes, REAL scientists) who claim to have recovered the body of the real Sasquatch.
Two men who claim to have stumbled across a Bigfoot corpse in the woods of northern Georgia indignantly stood by their story at a news conference during which they offered an e-mail from an entomologist as evidence and acknowledged they wouldn't mind making a few bucks from the "find" they have kept stuffed in a freezer for over a month.
Wasting no time, John McCain moved swiftly to appoint the hairy corpse his running mate, presumably to inject some much needed excitement into his campaign. The media was shocked to learn
A) That the Sasquatch would indeed be the VP candidate on the GOP ticket
and
B) That John McCain indeed is running for President in 2008.
The McCain camp immediately denied reports despite myriad video evidence of McCain stating his desire to have Bigfoot as his running mate.
Regardless of these wild rumors and false reports, no matter how much video tape to the contrary, reports of Sasquatch being put on the ticket is 100% FALSE. It shows how low Obama surrogates will go to drag this election season into the gutter.
When reporters pointed out that only McCain himself has made the claim, McCain's spokespeople had this response:
The McCain campaign would like to remind the media that John McCain does not speak for the McCain campaign.
Many pundits have applauded the bold move by the septuagenarian politician. David Gregory immediately piped in:
This is obviously bad news for Obama. McCain only reinforces his reputation as a maverick with this type of bold leadership. This is great news for John McCain.
Congressional Republicans have moved swiftly to propose a Constitutional amendment to allow non-human and non-living creatures to legally hold the 2nd highest office in the land. The bill is co-sponsored by Senators Larry Craig (ID) and Ted Stevens (AK). Their offices would not return phone calls.
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D- SF values) had this to say about the proposed Constitutional amendment:
Although Democrats control a majority in both houses, we have taken the possibility of any opposition to the Constitutional amendment off the table.
When asked by Andrea Mitchell of NBC if he made his choice to boost his profile in the eye of the media, John McCain replied tersely:
This decision has nothing to do with that, you c*nt! At least I don't slather on make up like a trollop!
Bigfoot could not be reached or resuscitated for comment.