As you will know, the end of the Olympics in Beijing will be when London becomes the Host City and presents an eight minute show to give a flavor of the celebrations in 2012.
Unfortunately, this will not be shown by American television. Despite having lingered long on close-ups of the competitors in the women's beach volleyball competition, the costumes of the dancers in the London show have been declared too liable to "malfunctions" for the US audience. The producers have already changed and cut words in the Led Zeppelin song "Whole lotta love". These were "too racy" and were liable to cause offense.
Some details of the planned presentation have already been leaked. I can now reveal some more of the last minute changes and what you will miss of this mixture of traditional and modern.
The handover is official when the Mayor of Beijing hands over the Olympic flag to the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson. Boris will then make a speech of thanks containing his traditional apology to the people of the city he is visiting for the verbal gaffs and resulting insults to them. He will remind the spectators of the bottles under their seats containing water recycled after being used to wash the industrial contaminants from the soil of the 2012 site. The two mayors will then shake hands and Boris will apologize for the apology during which he insulted the people of the country. He will then proudly wave the flag and mount it on the front basket of his bike before pedaling off in the wrong direction.
The stadium will darken so the bodyguards can rescue Boris from the Papua New Guinea team. The lights will come up briefly on the sight of a red London bus being push-started by a desperate set of technicians. After a long wait, the lights come up again and the bus will enter the stadium with a second in the traditional "two come along together" formation.
This had not originally been planned as the performers were to have been transported in a fleet of traditional London taxis. Unfortunately the drivers refused to go South of the Qinghe River and the second articulated or "bendy" bus has been rushed over to Beijing.
The buses will go round the stadium before moving into the central performance area which, to welcome the nations of the world, will be surrounded by the planted flags of the competing teams. The buses will be chased by the gold medal winning cyclists Chris Hoy and Victoria Pendleton dressed as everyday Londoners. After the traditional 'overtaking of the bus by unfit cyclists' tableau and a circuit of the stadium, they will catch up with the bendy-bus. In traditional fashion, they will be knocked off their bikes when the driver fails to see them as he turns. All the while the National Youth Orchestra will be singing a new radical arrangement of "God Save the Queen".
Boris Johnson will then formally apologize to Luxembourg and the other countries that share the same tune for the insults to their national anthems.
Attention will turn to a giant screen with a live link to the party being held in the Mall in London to celebrate the town becoming the Host City. Euan Blair, the son of the ex-Prime Minister, will lead a troup of drunken teenagers in the traditional Passing Out (on the sidewalk) Ceremony.
Focus will return to the Birds' Nest for a taste of the culture and entertainment that visitors can expect. In a darkened stadium spotlights will reveal David Beckham dressed simply in an Emporio Armani athletic support with five socks in the colors of the Olympic rings stuffed down the front. Twenty feet away the bus has been transformed
with the top half folding down in segments to show a privet hedge cut into shapes of the London skyline: Tower Bridge, Battersea Power Station, the Houses of Parliament, while a phalanx of black umbrellas will be unfurled alongside.
Beckham will be charged with kicking a soccer ball over the hedge to start the celebration of the history and culture of London.
After the ball has been retrieved from the spectators for the third time, it will hit the backdrop and mere seconds later a couple of fireworks will herald the start of the dance sequence. Fortunately this performance will distract from the resulting fire on the bus being extinguished.
As the winner of a British TV "talent" show sings "Whole lotta love" the Royal Ballet will dance a tribute to the traditional freedom of speech in London entitled "From Peasants' Revolt to Poll Tax Riots". Meanwhile the ZooNation and CandoCo dance theater group will present their interpretation of a traditional fight between rival soccer fans.
While this is going on the screens surrounding the Birds Nest will shown an animation of the 2012 logo in myriad colors to reflect the cultural diversity of the British capital. Paramedics will be on hand to help out with the epileptic fits.
The spectators will then be given a taste of the culture and nightlife 2012 visitors might expect. A large team of half naked men and women will emerge from the second bus. They will be dressed in interpretations of Beckham's costume made in the "sharkskin" material used in those swimming suits and supplied by the Scottish company Speedo. They will then use the flag supports to pole dance to
a musical sequence which combines elements of the shipping forecast, Jersualem, Greensleeves and harmonies based on the chimes of Big Ben.
To enhance their London night club experience, the audience will not be allowed to leave until they have handed over large sums of money for those bottles of water to burly gentlemen in tuxedos. Visa, the official credit card of the Olympics, will be accepted.
Plans for 2012 are well in hand. It has already been announced that the Olympic Torch will be carried to the capital of every country competing in London. It will be accompanied by Boris Johnson, to apologize.