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After watching the Democratic Convention, I feel a real sense of pride in my party, but I have to admit I do feel a little bad for the Republicans.  I mean, you have managed to pull off some pretty good shows recently with all the smoke and mirrors, but really, you only have so much to work with this time.  So, full of a spirit of bipartisanship, I offer a few tips on how to avoid totally fucking up your convention.

First, don't drink a lot of fluids on the flight to Minneapolis.  With your enlarged prostate you need to take frequent bathroom breaks, and the last thing you want to do is use the airport restroom.  It would be better to be photographed with a potty stain on the front of your trousers than to be photographed coming out of the airport men's room.  Just take my word on this.

Second, if you see a Mexican.. RUN.  I know you probably don't hate the Mexicans, or at least you pretend you don't because you are from Arizona and you need the votes, but the redstate kids sure hate'em, and the last thing you want is for them to start calling you Mariachi McCain again.  Boy, I bet that makes you so MAD, you just want to BASH THEIR LITTLE FUCKING FACES IN and shove those keyboards RIGHT DOWN THEIR THROATS, AND FUCKING KICK THEIR ASSES.  

But those asses aren't for kicking anymore, John, they're for kissing, because those dudes are now your base.  I know, it sucks to be you, but you got to deal with it.  So if one of those Mexicans sneaks into a photo, just compliment him/her on the excellent job leaf-blowing the walk/scrubbing the toilet (the redstate kids will like that), and get the fuck outta there.

Three, never tell jokes.  Like, let's say a funny joke comes to you, for instance, "Ya know why Sasha Obama is so ugly?  Cuz Whoopie Goldberg is her father!!  Bhah ahahha hahah!"  Keep it to yourself.  I know you don't understand why humiliating a little girl in front of the entire country is not an acceptable thing to do, and that's just because you are kind of evil, but trust me, its not cool.  

Four.  Try not to call your wife a cunt in front of other people.  I mean, I know sometimes it seems to you that she needs to be put in her place, but it makes you look mean.  And who am I to judge you screwing that cute younger lobbyist?

Five.  For God's sake, keep Cindy away from the percocets.  She broke her wrist shaking someone's hand?  R I G H T.  Or was it frantically scribbling out fake vicodin scripts?  Look, she's already been indicted for stealing narcotics from the poor, and that in itself is embarrassing for a mafia princess, but you don't want to see her passed out drooling during the convention.  If she has absolutely got to do some drugs, let her sneak in some crack in her shoe, like Noelle Bush did when she went to her court-ordered rehab.  As long as no one sees the pipe, people will just think she really, really, really loves America.

Six.  Your speech.  Well, not much to say here.  It's going to be bad, so just go with it.  If you seem a little robotic, glancing at the teleprompters, break into a little robot dance and flash those pearly yellows.  Everyone will love it.  If you obsess about how bad your speech is gonna be, it will just be worse.

In terms of content, they say people should restrict polite conversation to the weather and their health.  Both are big no-no's for you.  If you talk about the weather, everyone will be reminded about how you were literally eating cake with President Nero while Katrina was destroying New Orleans.  And your health?  How many times does a guy have to get diagnosed with a deadly form of cancer before he wants to stop talking about his health.

So, talk about religion and politics.  The first part will be easy.  Say Jesus a lot.  But don't say Latter Day Saints, not even one time.  The Baptists think those people of part of a weird child-raping cult.  And the Baptists are your base too.   Aren't you one now?  

The politics is gonna be a lot tougher of course, because your whole platform is a pile of America-betraying shit, but you have an advantage that you might not realize.  Your immediate audience will be carefully selected from the extreme 25% of Americans who think Bush is doing a good job as president.  So you can throw them all the same old tired and discredited lines Bush used over the last 8 years, like Iraq is central to the war on terror, rendition and torture are good, sacrificing liberty for safety is vital to our security, the economy is strong, the nations of the world love America because we brought democracy to Iraq.  Bin Laden, uh, I don't really think about him anymore.

Your crowd will eat that shit up and the rest of us Americans, the other 75%, will think it's just a riot.  I know I will laugh my ass off.  

Finally, don't whine about how much better the press covers Obama.  Look, Obama is a great leader, and you are an irrelevant relic.  I mean, no one is more critical of the press than I am, but they only have so much to work with, and whining about it will just make you look like a bigger loser.  It's like when the ugly woman said to her portrait painter, "You can't call that a great work of art." To which he was forced to respond, "Madam, you can't call yourself a great work of nature."  

So, John, good luck with the convention, and in November, may the best man win.

Originally posted to Winston Sm1th on Fri Aug 29, 2008 at 02:50 AM PDT.

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