Dear Delegates,
I want to express my condolences on this bad year for your party. Bush's approval numbers are low, numerous Republican senators don't want to be associated with your convention, a hurricaine has overshadowed your time to trash Obama, and your VP nominee wants Alaska to secede from the union.
Wow, what a bummer.
Even though I am an Obama supporter, I am starting to feel bad about how pathetic you Republicans have become. If your party does not retain even an ounce of credibility, it really takes the fun out of political process, you know? And so as you gather to officially nominate your candidates for President and Vice President, I have some simple advice:
Nominate someone else before it is too late.
Yes, you heard me right. I shouldn't be telling you this, but what the hell? You guys need to dump both McCain and Palin.
McCain has not been a good candidate in the slightest. He can't keep countries straight, he knows nothing on the economy, and the only reason he stays afloat is because most of the traditional media is in love with him.
Sarah Palin. She's nice and her family situation is sympathetic and all, but seriously folks, how the hell do you plan to cast Obama as foreign when your own VP nominee has supported Alaskan efforts to secede from the union?
You guys are messing this one up big time. It's so pathetic I am starting to feel sorry for you, however much you deserve this after what you have done to our country.
So if you dump McCain and Palin, who should be on the ticket instead?
Don't even think about Mittens Romney. Not only is he a flip flopper, but your base is biased against Mormons even more than they are biased against black people. Wow, that's impressive!
Pawlenty? Huckabee? These guys are losers and you know it.
Go with your hearts, delegates.
Nominate Dick Cheney for President. He appeals to all parts of the Republican base. Economic conservatives. Social Conservatives. Shread-the-constitution conservatives. If you are so intent to shoot yourselves in the face, shouldn't Dick Cheney be your nominee?
Then you should nominate Jeb Bush for VP. He brings the swing state of Florida, he's popular with all parts of the base, and he's much smarter than his brother.
Ok, I know what you are thinking. I am being facetious, telling you to nominate a Cheney and a Bush in this political environment.
On the contrary, my friends, it would be a stroke of genius that would allow you to steal the mantle of change from Barack Obama. Just look at the slogan of the new ticket:
Cheney/Bush '08. Reversing the last 8 years.
Brilliant! "Reversing," get it? Just repeat it over and over and over and you know you'll be able to get those low information voters to accept that you have as much intention to bring change as you convinced them that Saddam had WMD.
But if you think this is a stretch and need someone better to run against Obama, may I remind you that Alan Keyes is available.
No need to thank me for this advice. I just love our democracy so much that I don't want to see the Grand Old Party to completely implode.
And one last piece of advice as you enjoy your convention in St Paul.
Don't use the bathrooms in the airport, ok?