So, against my own better judgment (righteous judgment, I might add), I went ahead last Sunday and posted a quick note to sort of weigh in on the whole "smite-by-weather" debate that seemed to be going on between people like Mikey Moore (I guess he goes by Michael now, as if he doesn't still suck his thumb from time to time, but whatever) and little James Dobson (who I know was never called Jimmy, and was forced to call his father "father" not "dad" like the rest of the post-colonial US gets to do.)
Well, no big surprise, big God damned mistake (well, still working out how to damn it since it was my own act, but there may be some helpful regs in the OT that I can refer to... anyway...). See, I was talking to my downstairs neighbor, Lou (you might know him - certainly Karl Rove does and, as I understand it, you guys all know each other. I digress...) and Lou was all:
"God, I wish you wouldn't"
And I'm all, "What the Hell? What difference does it make? I'm getting kind of sick of all the wish lists and misinterpretations and everybody calling everybody a 'great whore'. Maybe this will settle things once and for all."
And he's like, "Oh Jesus, God, you don't know what it's like on that internet. I'm there like 24 hours a day, seven days a week managing Viagra spam and Nigerian bank scams and let me tell you, you will not recognize the work of your hands in those people. When they die (assuming that something that only metabolizes Twinkies and DR. Pepper can really be called 'alive') they are all coming to my house for scones...yeah, fuckin' dry, nasty mouth-eating scones... oooh that's evil... and NO milk."
And I'm all, "Please, watch your language, first of all, I've got children here (thanks, Phillip Morris, Bechtel, the rest of you guys, etc.) and second of all, you'll have to forgive me if I'm just a little suspicious of your motivation. In fact, I think you might be a bit worried that I'm gonna bust up your little party."
"MY little party?" he says, "Moi?"
And I'm all, "Oh, like YOU speak French"
And he's like, "Of course I don't. The French have to speak American when they get down here, and I make them eat Velveeta, why?"
And so I'm like, "Don't change the subject. I've seen what goes on on the internet. You've got these popup ads, monkey punching things, polls that aren't really polls, something called the 'Drudge Report', the unapologetically solipsistic 'MY SPACE' (as if that doesn't have your name all over it)".
And then he goes all, "Oh Lord, here we go again! My God, I mean, I'm just looking out for you. Why you gotta hate on me all the time? I'm just saying, you can present your case as brilliantly as you want on line, but it's gonna backfire, and you're gonna end up in a flame war. But you know what? You know everything, don't you, with your...your YOU complex? You don't need anybody's advice, well fine, be that way!"
And I'm not proud of it, exactly, but I pretty much told him to go to hell at that point. Still, the conversation stuck around in my mind for a bit, and I went for a walk to cool off and when I got back, I realized Lou might have a point. I definitely do NOT want to get in a flame war (see Pharaoh v. Israelites for a review of how that's likely to end). Sadly, I think it might be too late.
Now I realize that hurricane season isn't over, I don't want to give away all of it, but at least Gustav wasn't the apocalypse everyone was predicting. Not a lot of people had to relocate to my house, people were helpful, cooperative, even heroic in some cases, and the damage... well, YOU build the earth in 7 days and then come whine to me about construction. Now again, I'm not taking credit here - I don't micromanage - but I'm as happy as anyone that it didn't turn out worse.
However, I did notice that James Dobson is still a little miffed that some gays didn't get smited and all this didn't happen during the dem convention. I also got a definite bit of sarcasm in the McCain family prayer circle which I can't quite put my finger on but I get the feeling he wanted his Anderson Cooper moment or something, and in general, I get the feeling that a few million TV viewers are just a bit let down that it wasn't a bigger spectacle. The news media, of course, were all geared up for Armageddon, and they didn't get it, but they're used to it by now and they don't complain (really, they don't - it's eerie).
Oh, and I notice Mikey Moore hasn't posted an open thank you note (again, not that I require one - I don't micromanage - just sayin').
So, at the risk of sounding "uppity", I would like to retract my note from Sunday because, if you're going to continue insisting that I keep a big excel spreadsheet that tells me who to smite and who to bless on any given day, then I might as well at least not feel like a total moran for trying to persuade you otherwise. It's like that time I tried to go mortal and tell everyone about peace and love and stuff and they're all like, "die! die!". Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice - well let's just say you're pushing that infinite patience thing.
Alright anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest now that I've had some time to reflect over my vacation. Oh, didn't mention that? Yeah, I was away for a few days. And yes, I realize it was in the middle of the Republican convention, and yes, all you self-centered Americans are going to try to read something into that, like "oh, I'll bet God's allergic to hypocrisy" or, you know, "if God has to be told one more time to 'bless America' by some drug abusing, warmongering pedophile....", or "if God has to hear Sarah Palin blame HIM for the Iraq war one more time....". But, you know, whatever. Sometimes a vacation is just a vacation.
And so, my creatures, I leave you with this parable:
A man was tending his fields. A worker approached him and said, smirking, "Master, we had twenty sick sheep, and one died. how many sheep do we have left?".
The master continued his work and said, "Enough"