It's all so confusing, this modern age.
Dr. Dobson tells us men can't stay home and tend to the little ones: it's unmanly, un-Christian, un-Republican, un-American. Yet "Hell is your future home," Todd?
Old GOP: Jesus was a community organizer and Pontius Pilate was a governor.
New GOP: Community Organizers aren't fit to wash our feet, a Governor is the second coming.
Help us, please, Sarah. You seem so confident, so bright, so knowing -- we identify, and you complete us. Tell us, what values and ideas must we hold today?
Can you vet my list below, please?
[updated title]
Old GOP: Unions are evil.
New GOP: Unions are awesome - Meet my Steelworker Guy!
Old GOP: Rock Star frivolity has no place in these times of grave danger
New GOP: Rock Stars are awesome - have you heard our Sarah?
Old GOP: Teen pregnancy is just more liberal moral equivalency that must be stopped before it and they destroy our families.
New GOP: Teen pregnancy is a celebration of family and life - mind your own business! Weren't Bristol and Levi cute on TV!?
Old GOP: Public Education is evil and can't be fixed or saved.
New GOP: Public Education just needs more Hockey Moms in PTAs.
Old GOP: Pork barrel earmarks is Washington wasting YOUR tax dollars!
New GOP: Pork barrel earmarks is simply how small town Alaska mayors do right by America's forgotten citizens.
Old GOP: Small town mayors and freshman governors (Even after practicing as Lt. Gov) like Tim Kaine (Richmond, Virginia, pop 200,000) aren't ready for this vital national office.
New GOP: Small town mayors and freshman governors like Sarah Palin (Wasilla, Alaska, pop 9000) are just the fresh air this vital national office needs.
Old GOP: The working mom is a selfish feminist lie that hurts our children.
New GOP: The working mom is just reality. You sexist liberal neanderthals amaze and disgust us!
Old GOP: The Old Boy network is a thing of the past, a mirage. Get over it, feminazis.
New GOP: The Old Boy network must be crushed -- and Sarah's just the gal to do it.
Old GOP: The VP should be ready - it's a heartbeat away from the presidency.
New GOP: The VP should be a heart-fluttering hottie - have you seen our Sarah?
And finally, Sarah, it pains me to use such awful language, even with the asterisk:
Old GOP: America lacks discipline, respect for traditional values and a firm hand on the moral tiller.
New GOP: America needs a maverick who endorses unwed motherhood and calls his wife a c*nt.
Well, that's about it. If you could please tell us what's upright, upstanding and up-to-date, we'll adjust our compasses accordingly.