As I stated in my previous diary entry, I've been having a difficult time adjusting to the "real world", though I've only been a citizen for a little over a year now. I can't say that college life is different than I thought it would be, but it sure is having a much worse effect on me than I ever imagined it would. What I've learned about myself in my short time here, basically, is that I am in no way independent. Nobody entirely is, but I've found that I am affected so powerfully by how other people treat and feel about me that it autonomously dictates my mood. Grades, activities, sports... I just don't care anymore. I didn't even watch the 49ers' first game of the season today.
I am very cynical, no doubt about it, but deep down, I wish I was an optimistic, cheerful and positive person. Sometimes I find it hard to cope with what I see- watching people get wasted (occasionally to the point of hospitalization) and have sex with random people night in and night out deeply bothers me, and I wish it didn't. I don't want to judge people, but sometimes I can't help but to look around me and see nothing but selfish individuals. Capitalists. I think that this must simply be an instance of my insecurities playing off of one another. Blind "hook-ups" and constant drunkenness upset me so much, I think, because I'm desperately searching for someone out there who will understand and accept me. Someone who is real, down to earth and attracted to mind and personality- in short, somebody that represents the opposite of hook-ups and alcohol. More importantly, somebody who is caring and able to think for herself.
Recently an ex-girlfriend (my first, actually. There's a long story here that I might save for a later entry) told me she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I can honestly rationalize with myself and realize that the two of us made a terrible couple, but I still wanted the friendship, so for a couple of hours it felt- literally- like I had been punched in the gut and slapped in the face.
Maybe I can attribute my sense of shock to the fact that I grew up in a relatively sheltered, peaceful community, and left with a firm belief in companionship, devotion and selflessness. Now, for the first time in my life, somebody truly despises me and won't tell me why. I'm beginning to wonder (yet again, my pessimism) whether or not it is truly possible to find somebody that stands out from the crowd. I can't tell you how many people here are so unwilling to deviate from the social standards, or step away from there career aspirations for one second to think about somebody else.
As I stated earlier, I am far from a perfect (perhaps even likeable) person as I do have many faults. I am incredibly shy and self-aware, fairly insecure and often uncomfortable. But really, I try to be good to people, and I don't know why that isn't enough... Geez, I'm starting to sound a bit like Willy Loman here! I'm not saying that I expect everyone to love me, but dealing with somebody who hates me is devastating. I didn't even know what to do with myself, so I walked out to the national mall by the Lincoln Memorial today and just sat there for an hour and a half, watching people go by. All I could think about was how I'd do almost anything to find someone that I could take on a bike ride around the reflecting pool. I'm so needy, I'll admit it and it's been said to my face before, but I'm working on it.
In the meantime, what a lonely world this is. It shouldn't have to be this way.