Preface: I'm posting this from the birthday party of my favorite now-7-year-old. Forgot all about it when I volunteered. If I'm sporadic in my participation, that's why. Plus, I'm on someone else's machine, and without a mouse, I'm hopelessly slow. Onward:
Okay, this WYFP is a pinch hit. I took over for someone else during last week’s diary and – well – here I am. So in honor of whatever that means, please take a Sharpie, go to a mirror and write the following on your forehead:
WYFP is our community's Saturday evening gathering to talk about our problems, empathize with one another, and share advice, pootie pictures, favorite adult beverages, and anything else that we think might help. Everyone and all sorts of troubles are welcome. May we find peace and healing here. Won't you please share the joy of WYFP by recommending?
Or you could just hit the rec button so we can salvage our Saturday night playground. Your choice.
Okay, here's a warning: I’m going to offend some people. And here's a disclaimer: I don’t care. I’ve wanted to get this off of my chest for a loooooooooong time.
So, what’s my f*^#!n" problem?
Swing voters.
I know that WYFP frequently avoids the political. But this week, I just can't help it. This week I'm unleashing my spleen on the people who keep us all guessing and give us ulcers. They are the reason that polls and pollsters exist. They are the catalyst for soaring campaign costs. They are the cause of all of that beautiful, beautiful panic, and all of that silly, silly overconfidence.
ZOMG! It’s 46% to 48%. ZOMG! Now its 49% to %50%! We're doomed. We've lost! We're winning! We rock!
Gallup and Zogby and Reuters, oh MY! (Insert Home Alone face here.) Yes, polls are taken to gauge the attention of those whom I loving call "the ditherers." Those people whose brows are always furrowed as though in deep concentration, but who really just have gas.
Witness Sally and Joel Easley-Suede and their dilemma:
Sally: I saw Obama last night and he had on the nicest suit! I’m voting for him.
Joel: Really? I heard McCain say 9/11 three times in his speech. I’ll have to vote for him.
Sally: Well, McCain was a POW. You’re right. I’m changing my vote!
Joel: Hmmm, not so fast, Sally, Barack took off his suit coat and looked folksy during a campaign stop today, I may have to alter my opinion.
Sally: Well now, Joel, for folksy you've gotcher Sarah Palin! She's so perky. Just an "everygal" dontcha know. She’s got my vote.
Joel: Say, she is perky isn’t she? You’re right! I’m voting for McCain/ Palin!
Sally: Hold on, though, but what about Michelle? I tried her apple cobblerrecipe. It was great! I’ve gotta go back to Obama.
Joel: Look, Sally, there's Biden on the TV. I’d forgotten him. You know, I saw him waving his arms around a lot during some hearings a while ago. He must be a man of convictions. Yep: It’s Obama/Biden.
Sally: Oh, but he has hair plugs, Joel. I'm not sure I trust a man who can't bald gracefully.
Joel: I love Palin’s glasses!
Sally: Obama’s got great posture!
Joel: McCain has a house on each of the eleven continents!
Sally: Palin shoots large mammals!
Joel: Cindy McCain is eerily wrinkle-free!
Sally: Biden's got a nice smile!
Now, don’t misunderstand. I’m all about being able to shift one’s opinion under the burden of undeniable proof. Things are not black and white. Positions deserve to be examined. But even when presented with little tidbits that should lead them, these ditherers remain adamantly perplexed.
Two weeks later:
Sally: Oh, Joel honey, how in the world are we going to decide who to vote for?
Joel: That’s a tough one sweetie. Who will tell us which candidate is going to restore our standing in the world, and which candidate is going to send us careening into global warfare with incendiary rhetoric and reckless foreign policy?
Sally: Well, that's just it, Joel! When we watched McCain last night he was just so dour and Eeyore-like. And the way he kept repeating those numbers and letters!
Joel: No kidding. "9-11! 9-11! P.O.W.! 9-11! P.O.W.! P.O.W!" It’s like he was talking in some sort of code. I didn't know what to make of it.
Sally: Well, but then we tried to watch Obama that time, remember? He was off somewhere overseas?
Joel: How could I forget! Those hundreds of thousands of foreigners were cheering so loudly we couldn’t even hear him! Lot of good that did us!
Sally: Say, do you think we ought to go to their websites and check out their positions on the issues?
Joel: Oh, Sally, you're so funny! Who has time for that? Hand me the remote, would you? ‘The World’s Next Total Dumbass’ is on.
So we sit and wait, knowing that on election day, the thousands and thousands of people who have been working their asses off for months will be backed against walls, hands to their faces as they chew their nails to the quick waiting to see whether the pattern on the tie worn by their candidate is a deal breaker for Sally or Joel, or both. And it won't be safe until the very last second, because anything can turn the heads of people like the Easley-Suedes.
And the Republicans know this! They know that if they can just pull one last crappy little "Gotcha!" out of The Big Book of Shit That Doesn’t Matter at the very last minute, these people will teem like lemmings toward whatever lever the GOP wants pulled.
And I have no solution. No happy ending here. We need these people. And everyone knows it. We know it. They know it. The liars and the spinners know it.
So let me just end with this gentle observation and heartfelt plea:
If you actually have trouble telling the torture-authorizing, woman’s vote-pandering, fear-mongering, undisclosed location-hiding, "bomb, bomb-Iran"-singing, 9/11-abusing, email-"losing", terror-alerting, portfolio-worshipping, job-outsourcing, bridge to nowhere-building, gas price-gouging, My Pet Goat-reading, WMD-faking, inspector-yanking, global distain-engendering, POW status-cheapening, saber-rattling, infrastructure-weakening, abstinence-failing, war-profiting things that are bad side from the healthcare-supporting, veteran-funding, globe-cooling, checks and balances-demanding, voter-advocating, ally-recruiting, civil rights-defending, tuition-lowering, diplomacy-using, torture-condemning, peace-promoting, "hand up"-giving, social security-preserving, constitution-respecting, environment-protecting, equality-upholding, progressive-taxing, deficit-reducing, peace-promoting, unity-building, truth-seeking, sex ed-teaching, hope-inducing, things that are good side, then would you please set aside any thought of voting until you've taken the time to clean the f*#^in' Cheezits out of your skull? Thanks.
And, by the way, what’s your f*$&in’ problem?