The following is a hypothetical diary considering the worst of the worst outcomes for the big day: a McCain-Palin (!!!) victory.
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WASHINGTON D.C. (Nov. 5) - In one of the most unlikely upsets in American political history, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) defeated Barack Obama (D-Ill) to become the 44th President of the United States. Mr. Obama, his heavily-favoured Democratic opponent, went into the election season with the least popular incumbent President on the exit, a Republican Party fractured by numerous public scandals, an economy in the gutter and a deeply controversial war in Iraq. Somehow though, the Republicans rallied seemingly at the last minute, thanks in no small measure to Mr. McCain's visionary choice for a running mate, Vice-President-Elect Sarah Palin.
As late as August, Mr. McCain's campaign looked close to collapse with Mr. Obama leading in numerous 'battleground' states. However, a hard-turn to the right, a series of well-timed, tactically brilliant 'straight talk' advertisements and a change of campaign headquarters to the Lord's Fifth Church of Alaska helped turn the tide against what once had been a seemingly unstoppable 'wave' of Democrat indignation at eight years of Bush-Cheney. Repeated appeals to voters' fears, emotions and illogical sensibilities was exactly what Mr. McCain needed to bring out the Southern-Evangelical-dead people vote as well as to capture the hearts of the tens of millions who voted for his predecessor President Bush.
Mr. Obama's awe-inspiring performances in the three Presidential Debates against Mr. McCain, unanimously hailed by pundits as 'devastating' and 'nails in the coffin,' provided little in terms of a bounce in the polls for the Junior Senator from Illinois. Mr. McCain, who stumbled often, seemed confused at many of the questions and at one memorable moment walked off the stage when asked by Mr. Obama to finally name 'how many houses you own,' denied even taking part in the debates and wrote them off as 'dirty liberal media tricks.' Ms. Palin, who failed to show up for her debate against Sen. Joe Biden (D-Del.) simply stated 'the media and the Democratic Party was on the side of 'Satan.'
Ms. Palin for her part in a speech on Election Night remarked "The Democrats are finished. The Lord has smiled upon the Republican Party, on President-Elect McCain and upon me. President Bush, having won victory in the Iraq, has been vindicated! PRAISE JESUS!" She then proceeded to gut and 'field-dress' a live moose in an act of ritualistic animal sacrifice in front of the crowd of supporters at GOP headquarters. Animal rights activists, along with millions of children watching at home, were horrified but quickly silenced as black-clad, helmet-sporting 'Freedom Sentinels' began phase 1 of President McCain's 'Operation Kill All Hippies.' The activists were arrested and their whereabouts and legal status are still unknown.
President Bush released a short statement following the results of the election:
"My fellow Americans, considering how much I screwed up our country, even I voted for Obama. Thanks for proving our democracy still works."
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The remaining part of this article has been censored by the Dept. of Truth, Wasilla Alaska. All hail McCain-Palin. Good night.
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UPDATE #1 Thanks for the comments everyone! I'm bloody shocked at how quick you Kossacks can show your enthusiasm! My humour (and it was an attempt at humour) is not for everyone but thanks for reading regardless!
UPDATE #2 Look, in much the same way Palin's sleazy, calculating pick inspired many of us to get serious about this election and not take Obama's victory as granted, I hoped to maybe inspire us to NOT LET THIS DIARY COME TRUE!