Day after day, somewhere in an undisclosed spiderhole in the backrooms of the McLie Express, Sarah Palin is being drilled with cliff notes and talking points on issues of foreign policy and of the world. With all apologies to dummies, Call it Foreign Policy for Dummies.
Sarah Palin does not have a clue about Iraq, Russia, Al Qaeda, terrorism, diplomacy, loose nukes, Iran, South America, or China. While she's being hidden from the press, I thought we could be kind enough to give her the cliff note version so she can parrot platitudes from the teleprompter.
Of course if she doesn't know the answer to a specific question, the questioner will be accused of trying to play, "Stump The Candidate." She'll audition for "Are You Smarter Than a Third Grader" some other time.
Here are Governor Palin's closely guarded cliffnotes.
There are 7 continents
North America, (includes United States)
South America, (Has lots of Hispanic people)
Europe, (has lots of white people)
Asia, (biggest one)
Africa, (The one with lots of black people.)
Australia,
Antarctica.
United States is a country
Has 50 states
Capital is in Washington D.C. (Not Washington state)
5 Great Lakes are named Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior.
Mississippi is largest river.
Note to Sarah - please check in advance the name of the city you are in before you get off the plane.
RUSSIA
Big country,
Moscow is big city, (actually closer to New York than Wasilla)
Used to be called Soviet Union,
Cold War, that's bad, can't have Cold War
They invaded Georgia,
Communism,
Putin is bad,
A threat,
America must be tough.
Sanctions if necessary.
I'm prepared, I'm ready
Exactly.
You will lose your government tanning bed for 4 weeks if you claim that the President of Georgia is actually a tyrant who invaded South Ossetia. You lose moose hunting privileges if you say that you want a war with Russia over oil.
IRAQ
Bad,
evil,
got rid of Saddam Hussein,
fighting terror,
we were attacked on 9/11,
Victory
Saddam invaded his neighbors,
post 9/11 world.
Al Qaeda is there,
proud of our troops
Central front on war on terror
My son Track is going to Iraq
I love America
I'm prepared, I'm ready
Exactly.
DO NOT try to explain Iraq's history, the sects, or anything else. Stick to your talking points and buzzwords. Failure to do so will cost you a month's worth of moose hunting privileges.
IRAN
have nuclear weapons,
threat,
danger,
terrorists,
may have to go to war,
post 9/11 world
won't cooperate with international community,
dangerous,
dictatorship.
serious threat.
I'm prepared, I'm ready.
Exactly.
TO DO - Need to practice saying "Ah MAD IN A JAD" ten times a day. This is NOT how to spell it.
Any question asked about Iran shall revert to these buzzwords. Then talk in circles for 60 seconds using the buzzwords until your time is up. Each time you do this successfully we will take one book from the Wasilla library that you hate and let you burn it in a fire.
SAUDI ARABIA
** The pinko socialist commie librul media may try to trap you here so be careful Sarah.
Some changes needed,
could be better for women,
ally,
friend,
Helping us fight war on terror
Business partner.
I love America
I'm prepared, I'm ready
Exactly
Switch off topic of Saudi Arabia and talk about something else as soon as possible. Do not discuss this. Do not mention Saudi Arabia unless specifically asked.
AFRICA
They have all the black people but don't say that. Here are your buzzwords Sarah.
Ending poverty,
Helping those in need,
Can mention Sudan (SUE DAN) and Rwanda (RU WAN DAH). End fighting there.
Faith based organizations
Fighting AIDS
If you tell us one more time that New Jersey is a country in Africa, you will lose your $60 a day sleep at home stipend from the state. Do not try naming any other countries. Egypt is not a Harry Potter book that should be banned Sarah. Also, Tunisia is a country not witchcraft that should be outlawed. Furthermore, South Africa is not the continent, you got that wrong on the pop quiz you failed earlier this week.
WAR ON TERROR
This is the phrase used so you don't have to be bogged down in details. Key buzzwords include
safe,
9/11
security,
9/11
protection,
9/11
terrorists (these are the bad guys),
post 9/11 world
Working with allies
getting the bad guys
9/11
Track is going to Iraq
Exactly.
9/11
I'm prepared, I'm ready.
America is a great country
Just keep using these words until your time is up Sarah. If you do this well Sarah, we will get you a brand new government paid Hummer worth $94,000 to replace that SUV of yours you had purchased for you courtesy of the citizens of Wasilla.
ISRAEL
Do not tell voters that you want to see the Jews and Muslims have a Holy War and kill each other off so that Armageddon arrives. If you tell voters that you wish all the Jews would just die because they killed Jesus, we will drop you from the ticket and classify you as a polar bear and send you into the Alaskan woods. And please, do not get caught reading any John Birch Society magazines from now until November. Save them until you get back to Alaska. Instead, use the following buzzwords.
friend,
ally,
partner,
9/11
fighting terrorism
democracy.
GEORGIA
No Sarah not the state, the country. Georgia = Good, democracy, peace, ally. Say you want them to be in NATO. NATO stands for North Atlantic Treaty Organization. They are friends. Don't try to name all the countries in NATO, say you won't play those gotcha games. On your test earlier this week you said NATO stood for North Alaska Technology of Oil. If you forget what NATO is, say the interviewer is playing games. Buzzwords are
friend
ally
NATO
democracy
freedom
peace
Sashkaavili (Very proud of you Sarah for pronouncing this correctly)
exactly.
If you stay within your buzzwords Sarah, we'll get you the new and improved 2009 tanner for each of your 3 homes.
SOUTH AMERICA
This is a continent.
Colombia = Good. Alvaro Uribe = ally.
Venezuela = Bad. They have Hugo Chavez, him you criticize because we want their oil but don't say we want their oil.
Bolivia = Bad. Say leader is a socialist.
Brazil = Big country.
FINAL SUGGESTIONS
- Keep studying the 50 capitals of the United States. When we first started you knew 3 of them and now you know 10. Keep studying.
- Learn 4 major waterways.
- Do not talk about the Bridge To Nowhere as foreign policy.