Okay, we've done nothing lately but talk about the Double Talk Express TM, and Sarah Palin's complete lack of qualifications to be VP or President. Well, it could be worse, albeit only slightly so. Follow me below the fold for video.
All this talk made me remember the funniest comedy sketch I have ever seen, and after hours of searching, I have found it to embed for your viewing pleasure. Referenced within it is the aforementioned "Bitch Slap to America" speech. If McCain wants to have a pissing contest, he should have it with this guy.
Yep, this is what happens when you elect a guy you'd like to have a beer with, especially if he'd like to have 30. Hope you enjoyed this clip as much as I did, and if you want to do something productive, make a run on the banks tomorrow. I'm withdrawing my life savings, j/k my account has a negative balance.
[::Open in the presidential bedroom which is filled with food and garbage. The special agent is sitting in the same room. David wakes up::]
DAVID: Oh. Oh my head. (Sees agent) Who the hell are you?
AGENT: Special Agent Mitchem. Good morning, sir
DAVID: Oh, this is bad. Im sorry. I'll get out of here. I gotta get home
AGENT: You are home, Mr President
DAVID: who are you talking to?
AGENT: You, sir
DAVID: Where am I?
AGENT: You're in your bedroom, sir
DAVID: Ok, if I'm in my bedroom, than how did you get in here?
AGENT: I have a key. We all do
AGENT: The secret service, Mr President
DAVID: (repeating to himself) The secret service, Mr President (chuckles). Ok, If I'm the president, what's the president doing in this dump, huh?
AGENT: Oh, you've done some redecorating, sir
[::david runs to the window and opens up the curtains. There is a view of the Capitol building::]
DAVID: Nice hellicopter
AGENT: It's yours, sir
DAVID: Ok, look. The last thing i remember was being at the piper's pub with my girlfriend. She asked me what I thought about seeing other people and I told her I would get back to her after I had 30 beers.
AGENT: There's really not much more to the story, sir. You got piss drunk, ran for president, and won.
DAVID: How long have I been drunk?
AGENT: You have just started your second term
DAVID: Ok, look. You're saying that the people of America elected a drunk man president?
AGENT: And then re-elected him
DAVID: That's impossible. My name is David Herman. I failed high school twice. I butter bagels for a living. How in the hell would anyone elect me to be president?
AGENT: Well, I think people found you kind of refreshing, sir. I mean, you are pretty up front with your views
DAVID: I don't have any views!
AGENT: Maybe not now sir but when you get in front of a TV Camera with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you can be extremely opinionated. You changed America!
AGENT: Well, you went to the war against crime with your brilliant "Give us your guns, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off" bill. And you won the war against drugs with your brilliant "Give us your drugs, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off" campaign.
DAVID: I actually said "Freakin"?
AGENT: No sir. But I'm a morman
DAVID: Look, I am the first to admit that America isn't the swiftest country in the world, but this is absolutely-
AGENT: People were skeptical at first, sir. But when you gave your famous "Bitch slap to America" speech, they really started to listen.
DAVID: So I just get drunk and people listen?
AGENT: Yes, basically that's it sir. Your campaign slogan was "Hey America, Last Call".
DAVID: What does that mean?
AGENT: I don't know sir. But it was sure as hell more catchier than "Four more with Clinton and Gore".
DAVID: Oh god, this is like a nightmare!
AGENT: Actually, no sir. In five short years, you have put people on mars and aquired 3 new states
DAVID: Three new states?
AGENT: Cuba, Seskatchuwan, and Germany.
DAVID: How did I go about aquiring 3 new states?
AGENT: Well, with cuba, you just simply woke up one morning, went to the U.N, and told the people and I quote "Cuba is now part of the United States, anybody got a problem with that?".
DAVID: And nobody had a problem with that?
AGENT: Well, the ambassodor of France said certain objections but that ended when you asked him to step outside. Seskatchuwan was a straight up trade with Canada.
DAVID: What did we give them?
DAVID: I see. Now when you say Germany, that's Germany as in Germany, Germany, right?
AGENT: Oh yes. You won Germany in World War 3. World War 3 only lasted 20 minutes and ended with you smashing a bottle over the chancellor's face. But perhaps your greatest achievement, sir, was your cure for cancer.
DAVID: How did I cure cancer?
AGENT: Well, you took nine of the heads of the world's largest corporation and gave them all cancer. Within seven months, we had 4 different cures.
DAVID: I sound like the perfect president
AGENT: Acutally no, sir. Alcoholism has become a big problem.
DAVID: No kidding. What do I do now?
AGENT: Have some breakfast.
DAVID: No, I mean what do i do now that im sober?
AGENT: Have some breakfast. Breakfast, of course, being a bottle of gin.
DAVID: Ok. Then what?
AGENT: Well, then at 12:00, you challenged the speaker of the house to a pissing contest. Then after that, you are taking the Mrs for a joy ride in air force one.
DAVID: Who am I married to?
AGENT: Wynona Rider.
DAVID: Yeah! No kidding?
AGENT: No kidding, sir.
DAVID: Ok, well then, cancel the pissing contest, hand me that bottle of gin and send for the first lady.
DAVID: And, uh, Mitchem?
AGENT: Yes, sir?
DAVID: Don't tell anyone you saw me this way.
AGENT: Who would believe me?
[::End with the agent exiting and David relaxing in the bed with the bottle of gin::]