Skip to main content

Okay, we've done nothing lately but talk about the Double Talk Express TM, and Sarah Palin's complete lack of qualifications to be VP or President. Well, it could be worse, albeit only slightly so. Follow me below the fold for video.

All this talk made me remember the funniest comedy sketch I have ever seen, and after hours of searching, I have found it to embed for your viewing pleasure. Referenced within it is the aforementioned "Bitch Slap to America" speech. If McCain wants to have a pissing contest, he should have it with this guy.

Yep, this is what happens when you elect a guy you'd like to have a beer with, especially if he'd like to have 30. Hope you enjoyed this clip as much as I did, and if you want to do something productive, make a run on the banks tomorrow. I'm withdrawing my life savings, j/k my account has a negative balance.

[::Open in the presidential bedroom which is filled with food and garbage. The special agent is sitting in the same room. David wakes up::]

DAVID: Oh. Oh my head. (Sees agent) Who the hell are you?

AGENT: Special Agent Mitchem. Good morning, sir

DAVID: Oh, this is bad. Im sorry. I'll get out of here. I gotta get home

AGENT: You are home, Mr President

DAVID: who are you talking to?

AGENT: You, sir

DAVID: Where am I?

AGENT: You're in your bedroom, sir

DAVID: Ok, if I'm in my bedroom, than how did you get in here?

AGENT: I have a key. We all do


AGENT: The secret service, Mr President

DAVID: (repeating to himself) The secret service, Mr President (chuckles). Ok, If I'm the president, what's the president doing in this dump, huh?

AGENT: Oh, you've done some redecorating, sir

[::david runs to the window and opens up the curtains. There is a view of the Capitol building::]

DAVID: Nice hellicopter

AGENT: It's yours, sir

DAVID: Ok, look. The last thing i remember was being at the piper's pub with my girlfriend. She asked me what I thought about seeing other people and I told her I would get back to her after I had 30 beers.

AGENT: There's really not much more to the story, sir. You got piss drunk, ran for president, and won.

DAVID: How long have I been drunk?

AGENT: You have just started your second term

DAVID: Ok, look. You're saying that the people of America elected a drunk man president?

AGENT: And then re-elected him

DAVID: That's impossible. My name is David Herman. I failed high school twice. I butter bagels for a living. How in the hell would anyone elect me to be president?

AGENT: Well, I think people found you kind of refreshing, sir. I mean, you are pretty up front with your views

DAVID: I don't have any views!

AGENT: Maybe not now sir but when you get in front of a TV Camera with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you can be extremely opinionated. You changed America!


AGENT: Well, you went to the war against crime with your brilliant "Give us your guns, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off" bill. And you won the war against drugs with your brilliant "Give us your drugs, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off" campaign.

DAVID: I actually said "Freakin"?

AGENT: No sir. But I'm a morman

DAVID: Look, I am the first to admit that America isn't the swiftest country in the world, but this is absolutely-

AGENT: People were skeptical at first, sir. But when you gave your famous "Bitch slap to America" speech, they really started to listen.

DAVID: So I just get drunk and people listen?

AGENT: Yes, basically that's it sir. Your campaign slogan was "Hey America, Last Call".

DAVID: What does that mean?

AGENT: I don't know sir. But it was sure as hell more catchier than "Four more with Clinton and Gore".

DAVID: Oh god, this is like a nightmare!

AGENT: Actually, no sir. In five short years, you have put people on mars and aquired 3 new states

DAVID: Three new states?

AGENT: Cuba, Seskatchuwan, and Germany.

DAVID: How did I go about aquiring 3 new states?

AGENT: Well, with cuba, you just simply woke up one morning, went to the U.N, and told the people and I quote "Cuba is now part of the United States, anybody got a problem with that?".

DAVID: And nobody had a problem with that?

AGENT: Well, the ambassodor of France said certain objections but that ended when you asked him to step outside. Seskatchuwan was a straight up trade with Canada.

DAVID: What did we give them?

AGENT: Aerosmith.

DAVID: I see. Now when you say Germany, that's Germany as in Germany, Germany, right?

AGENT: Oh yes. You won Germany in World War 3. World War 3 only lasted 20 minutes and ended with you smashing a bottle over the chancellor's face. But perhaps your greatest achievement, sir, was your cure for cancer.

DAVID: How did I cure cancer?

AGENT: Well, you took nine of the heads of the world's largest corporation and gave them all cancer. Within seven months, we had 4 different cures.

DAVID: I sound like the perfect president

AGENT: Acutally no, sir. Alcoholism has become a big problem.

DAVID: No kidding. What do I do now?

AGENT: Have some breakfast.

DAVID: No, I mean what do i do now that im sober?

AGENT: Have some breakfast. Breakfast, of course, being a bottle of gin.

DAVID: Ok. Then what?

AGENT: Well, then at 12:00, you challenged the speaker of the house to a pissing contest. Then after that, you are taking the Mrs for a joy ride in air force one.

DAVID: Who am I married to?

AGENT: Wynona Rider.

DAVID: Yeah! No kidding?

AGENT: No kidding, sir.

DAVID: Ok, well then, cancel the pissing contest, hand me that bottle of gin and send for the first lady.

AGENT: Done.

DAVID: And, uh, Mitchem?

AGENT: Yes, sir?

DAVID: Don't tell anyone you saw me this way.

AGENT: Who would believe me?

[::End with the agent exiting and David relaxing in the bed with the bottle of gin::]

Originally posted to BetMyCitizenship on Tue Sep 23, 2008 at 04:49 PM PDT.

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site