TO: US Taxpayers
FROM: Wall Street
RE: Try Not to Screw This Up!
Dear Taxpayers:
You have probably heard about the big, scary financial crisis on Wall Street. Well, we’re here to say, "be afraid, be very afraid." Call your representatives in Congress and tell them to vote for the $700 billion bailout package. NOW!
This bill MUST remain unchanged in any way. Otherwise, the whole system will collapse and you will have to stand in bread lines like they did in the 1930's. And you’ll have nobody to blame but yourselves and your heel-dragging Congress.
Don’t go blaming Wall Street executives for this mess, just because the leftist media and frantic liberals like John McCain have told you this financial meltdown is OUR doing. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, it’s YOUR fault -- you would-be homeowners. No less a financial genius than Neil Cavuto totally nailed it when he told the Democrats: "I'm just saying, I don't remember a clarion call that said Fannie and Freddie are a disaster. Loaning to minorities and risky folks..." That’s right, now you know. Democrats, minorities and other risky folks like YOU are to blame here. So you just remember that!
Still don‘t want to give us the money immediately? Seriously, what choice do you have? You don't understand these mind-bogglingly complicated financial products. Neither does Congress. That’s why we, in our wisdom, had our guys Bernanke and Paulson write the bill so that all the decisions are "not reviewable" by Congress or even the courts.
We can’t have you simple folks or your elected morons looking over our shoulders -- that’ll slow us down and, as we’ve already made clear, that would bring about the end of the world as you know it.
You know what -- the people who say the money won’t be handled honestly -- those people hate America. That’s right -- they’re unpatriotic. They’re content to sit there and whine about trivialities like "accountability" and "public trust" at a time like this. Can you imagine?
And anyway, why would you worry? President Cheney, er, Bush is on top of the situation. You know that the President can’t lie, right? It’s not allowed. So when he tells you this bill must be passed immediately, or else Congress will be responsible for the end of the world as we know it, you must believe him.
Look at what happened after 9/11. The President told you that he must have authorization to protect you from Saddam Hussein immediately, or else you were going to die. And you, in your wisdom, gave him all the authority he wanted immediately with almost no debate.
Good job -- look at how well that worked out! Did Saddam Hussein come over here and blow up your neighborhood? No? Then, what are you worried about? It’s the same thing with this financial situation, really. Just trust the wise, honest fella’s you elected because they seemed nice enough to drink beer with, and then run along about your business.
What you need to do is go spend some money. A nice trip to the mall always makes you feel better, doesn’t it? There’s a good little person. You’ll be saving the economy!
Feel better? OK, bye now.