Washington DC
9/26/08
John McCain was on the tarmac walking to his campaign plane today when a senior aide rushed to the Senator's side and whispered something in the prisoner of war and American Hero's ear.
Senator McCain reportedly stood still for seven minutes, occasionally blinking, until another aide rushed the Senator to a hastily prepared lectern where the press where clamoring to get a scoop on the story.
One observer noted that John McCain appeared distracted and somewhat withdrawn as he began his remarks, that observer later surmised it was due to the weight of having sole responsibility to fix our country's current financial crisis. Here is the most up to date transcript I have of the event:
My fellow Americans: I have just received news from one of my staff that there is no need to hold tonight's debate...
According to very reliable sources on the internets, it appears that I have already won tonight's debate.
I know its hard to believe, but I've learned the hard way that you can't always use logic to understand the workings of America. In fact, on of my interns carries around one of the BlackBirds that I invented. On it was a picture of me winning the debate. I don't claim to understand how the tubernets are able to know that I've won the debate, I'm just a simple American Hero. What I do understand is that real people are hurting due to this financial crisis that is attacking our fundamentally strong, booming economy in this time of recession.
So I'd like to congratulate Senator Obama for giving his best shot at having me show up to this debate for the sake of the American people. But as people on Main Streets all across America know, since I've already won, there's real work I need to get to in Washington.
John McCain was whisked off to his campaign plane without taking questions. Upon further questioning his staff released an updated agenda for the day. It included taking a nap then going to meetings where he would blink the sleep out of his eyes for 45 minutes then hid underneath his baseball cap while he resumed his nap taking. A Washington Post reporter asked "How can the Senator solve this crisis while he's either sleeping or not talking?" the aide reportedly replied "John McCain didn't talk much while he POW, yet he still had time to invent the BlackBerry which brought him this fantastic news. Dumbass."