PTSD and me

The last couple of years have been really bad for me and my significant other. In the grand scheme of things, as bad as it has been, we're much better off than most. I feel small and petty and bitchy when I get mired down in my own troubles and then see newscasts about Darfur or Iraq or any of the numerous other places and peoples getting pummeled by violence and greed.  

We have free counseling at work, so I took advantage of it and went and basically vomited all my crap on the floor for the poor woman to sort through, and when I paused to take a breath, she nodded, scribbled on my shiny new file and murmured "PTSD".

Well, I know what that is, but it startled me. I've not been in a war, I've not been assaulted, not been the victim of any violent crime. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder seemed too--important--a term to assign to me. I'm just dealing with a lot of crap, that's all. PTSD is reserved for people with much deeper and more significant traumas than mine. Isn't it? Well, no, not really, because the only perspective any of us have on tragedy is the worst thing that ever happened to us. If the biggest tragedy of your life is a bad hair day, then the ATM not working on Saturday afternoon could be a mighty big deal.  

Which led me to wonder--is that what's happening here? Not just on this blog, but throughout this nation. Are we, as a country, suffering from PTSD?

PTSD can cause you to feel and react as if you’re constantly in danger. In this state of chronic hyperarousal, your mind and body is on constant red alert, making it impossible to fully relax, be productive, or enjoy life.

The PTSD symptoms of increased arousal and anxiety include:

Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating
Hypervigilance, or being constantly “on guard”
An exaggerated startle response, or jumpiness

There have been a number of studies in the past few years about how we aren't getting enough sleep. The nation as a whole, that is. Some estimates are as high as 70% of us being chronically sleep deprived.

As far as irritabilty and anger, just look at the rec list.

Every day, quite frankly, as a nation, we don't seem to be able to focus on the important stuff for long. Each criminal act by BushCo is met with a outpouring of anger, followed by gnashing of teeth over the failure to prosecute, and on to the next target--which we usually have the next day.  

And who can blame any of us for being on guard? The Constitution has been shredded before our very eyes. The economy is in the ditch. Gitmo is still open for business. The war in Iraq continues and Iran may be next. Wiretapping us is necessary and our privacy is REALLY inconvenient. And so on, and so on.

I can't really speak to the last one for anybody else, but I've told my beloved's 12 year old son to stop sneaking up on me because it really isn't funny anymore. I can remember when I used to laugh and go on, now it seems to always send me into a panicked tail-spin.

As much as I hesitate to mention 9/11 (my birthday, woohoo!), I cannot help but wonder--is that where it started? Did that act of violence against our nation send all of us into a tailspin that, 6 years later, we still haven't recovered from because we still haven't acknowledged it or tried to deal with it? I know at least one Kossack has written several eloquent and insightful diaries on this subject (forgive me, I do not remember your name), but I don't know that I ever attributed my reactions, my instincts or my thought processes to PTSD. It was something I attributed to others on a regular basis, but not me.

I wasn't in New York, I didn't lose anyone in the towers, haven't lost anyone in Iraq, so it couldn't be me who had the problem and wasn't thinking clearly. I'm a rational person. I see the propaganda on the "news" for exactly what it is, I hear the language frames and grind my teeth. I've watched the country divide into the "Get this country right with God" and "Get this country right with the people" camps (How the hell did these become two different things?). I've watched as Christianity has been warped into the flaming sword of righteousness and democracy to be swung over the heads of, well, the not-Christian (which is apparently anyone who doesn't have issues with abortion, gay marriage, drug decriminalization, freedom of expression, freedom of religion, Democrats and, well, the list is too long and it seems to have new items daily).

And then there's our [insert sarcasm here] fearless leaders who, again and again do and say things that seem totally off the beam. Is it possible that the simple truth is they're all suffering from PTSD and afraid to do anything, too? Is that bully in the White House so certain in his delusions that their basic insecurity about what to do makes them back down? No doubt they've enabled, time and again to my horror and dismay, but is it because they're in cahoots with him, or because they're as lost and uncertain and scared as I am?

For two years now, I've walked around with this feeling that something is very, very wrong with me. I can't calm down, I over-react, things stay with me much longer than they should, sometimes my mind feels like a stuck album, going over the same moment again and again and again. And now I'm beginning to see that this nation in general, and the upcoming election in particular, are echo chambers for this sense of disconnect, this inability to get a handle on the REAL problem. I feel as though if I can find the end of the thread, I can pull the whole mess apart and really look at it. Fix it. Weave it back together as a cloth instead of the mass of knots it currently seems to be.

And I look at the prospects for the next election, and I hope, but I still don't see the answer. I see people telling people what they want to hear, mostly. The ones who don't, pretty much don't get heard. Clinton says she'll be ready from day 1 (I don't know what that means except she already knows the layout of the house), Obama says we can all get along (its a lovely sentiment, but from where I sit, getting along means doing whatever the oppressive, fascist, corporate shills want), Edwards says he'll take on the lobbyists and kick them out (I don't see how one man can do that, or even 2), McCain wants me to believe the surge is working (you've GOT to be kidding), Romney says he can bring jobs back from overseas (I don't see how a robot can do that), Huckabee is just a nice guy who wants to help (so is Satan if I recall). Each of them is a sound bite designed to appeal to their constituents. No, I don't mean to imply the dems are just as bad as the repubs. Never would I do that. What I mean is, they sound good, and the policies do too (the dems), but anyone who hangs out here for any length of time knows a stimulus package isn't going to save us. I don't hear the debt, even from Dems, in actual numbers, They all play with the stats. I don't hear them talking about the pain this nation will suffer no matter who is in office. I don't hear them saying that those currently in office will be prosecuted even after their term for crimes against this nation (the only way, I believe, to ensure it does not happen again). They do not wholly refute executive power. They don't mention impeachment. Who knows about the FISA bill?

The reason I don't hear it? They don't say it because no one wants the truth. We're terrified that our democracy is gone, that the fight over the direction of this nation is a fight over a corpse that no one wants to admit is dead yet. I see any hope of national discourse disappearing under the weight of past slights, previous mistakes, suspicion and media spin. And I see us allowing it, because we're too scared of the future to look honestly at the present, because we want someone to do something, but we don't know what.

And so we can't seem to take an honest look at any of the candidates. We must be passionate and always supportive, even in the face of issues that should be considered and taken into account (not that they will disqualify a candidate, but myopic, blind faith in anyone--throughout history it has caused nothing but trouble). We must demean and badger those who would question. We must somehow make the candidate of our choice the true candidate, the right candidate, the only candidate for those who are smart/informed/aware/caring/discerning. And by the time the election is upon is, only bitterness will prevail.

After 7 years of Bush, we should know better than the "Ur fer us or agin us" mentality. We should eschew it entirely.  

And it is to our detriment if we do not. For if this is, in fact, some sort of PTSD, the damage we do both here on the blogs and out there in the "real world" with all this bickering will simply destroy any hope of reconciliation or peace. With other party members, with our neighbors, with our communities, this divide will continue for as long as we react in fear and anger. The echoes will carry on through 2010, 2012 and beyond.

•  Tips

  For things being better tomorrow? Or eventually? Or at least for not throwing in the towel and giving up?

  by jiordan on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 11:46:58 AM PDT

•  It can also be depression

  I think the vitriol on this site is depressing.  I hope you can step away from your keyboard for awhile and find some things in life that are a better connection for you with the world.  Going to visit an art museum during the cold of winter can work wonders for me.

  by ljm on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 11:55:18 AM PDT

•  hang in there, jiordan

  and good diary

  by Pandoras Box on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 11:55:55 AM PDT

  •  Thanks

    for reading. Somehow writing it all down makes me feel better.

    I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    by jiordan on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 11:57:43 AM PDT

    •  Didn`t really enjoy it

      Hits to close to home, but I`m happier knowing others feel the same way. Hang in there and never give up.

      by Wino on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:19:10 PM PDT

    •  my husband served

      with special forces in viet nam, i hear you jiordan.  with work, patience and counselling it can get better.  our soldiers, male or female, will always carry the scars of war which is why i try so hard to fight against wars.  

      the days of thunderstorms sending my husband heading for some sort of cover are over, the rage against the politics that is still sending our soldiers is not, and never will be.  we are, however, a team he and i and we will never stop fighting or trying to help other veterans!

      sharing your feelings results most often, in others being encouraged to share also and that helps all of us.  

      WE SHALL PREVAIL (sorry to shout, but, i felt like both of us needed it)

      by labwitchy on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:55:22 PM PDT

•  One small consolation

  about the candidate fighting is that it's much ado about nothing: the reason we're nitpicking to death photos of donations and comments of volunteers is because they're not offering significant differences in their policies, nor do they have significant differences in their voting records.  That's not a bad thing: no matter which of the three wins, we're getting a decent enough person in the White House.  Of course they could all be (a lot) better, but for the moment it's okay to take a breath.

  Stay strong.  I have no experience with PTSD myself, but everything I've heard about it says that it's no picnic.  Just know that your friends and loved ones are there for you.

  by pico on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 11:59:36 AM PDT

  •  I don't know

    that it is PTSD, but a lot happened in a short period of time and my counselor's comment simply made me wonder. I still think that term is too important for what I'm experiencing, I think ljm is right and it's more likely depression.

    It was just something I pondered, but I do think we'll all be better off when a dem is in the White House. I just don't know WHICH dem yet :)

    by jiordan on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:02:52 PM PDT

•  Your first reaction was correct, I believe.

  Calling your feelings PTSD in a way weakens PTSD as it applies to returning Vets, and survivors of various horrors.

  I'm a fan of therapy, but I don't think that your therapist/counselor should have come out with a diagnosis on the first meeting; it seems too simplified, too pat for the complexity you expressed in the rest of the Diary.

  If the macros get you down (as they do to us all), focus on the micros. I like to start with the puppy pictures early in the morning, and the kitties, even before sunrise - yet another micro.

  Don't be bullied by the macros. That's what this site is supposed to be for, in a small way: ganging up on the bullies.

  by andreww on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:02:49 PM PDT

  •  I agree with you

    I think she was talking more to herself than me, and she certainly didn't mention it a second time, however, I take anything said by an employer sponsored counselor with a grain of salt.

    I don't mean to imply that those people aren't caring, professional and competent. They are. But I went when I was at the end of my rope--not a pretty picture.

    by jiordan on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:07:28 PM PDT

    •  We've gotta do it ourselves.

      Pick a piece of nice, and focus on it.

      I, a guy, read "Madam Bovary" last week, and I was totally absorbed in it, totally in 1859 France.

      What a piece of nice.

      by andreww on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:16:08 PM PDT

•  Thanks jiordan for the diary...

  I had trouble concentrating enough to read the entire diary.  I appreciate your thoughts and agree, many of us (me included) are sleep deprived, somewhat consumed with overstimulation and junkies in some regard.

  by jdmorg on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:07:01 PM PDT

•  Don't be too quick to label yourself

  The diagnostic criteria and science behind the PTSD diagnosis are not all that strong, and sometimes clinicians toss the diagnosis around a bit freely.  Evidence-based treatment is pretty much identical to treatment for depression - counseling, and possibly the use of selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).  If your doctor suggests taking an anti-depressant, I'd urge you to consider it.  They are generally very safe, and don't let yourself feel bad or buy into the whole stigma thing.  This stuff happens to people, and you should feel comfortable about addressing it openly and directly.  

  by ivorybill on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:08:55 PM PDT

  •  Is Prozac an SSRI ?

    by C Barr on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:40:01 PM PDT

    •  Yes

      There's some concerns about an increase in suicide, but that mostly afflicts persons with very severe depression - because it takes a month or more to kick in, sometimes people still have suicidal ideation even after they are starting to rebound and get more active.  The important point is that the risk of taking the medicine is much less than the risk of suicide or other adverse health problems from untreated depression.  Also some SSRIs including Prozac can affect sex drive, but there's ways around that and it's best to just discuss it openly with the doctor.

      All this discussion of suicide has nothing to do with the diary btw... I'm only adding that here because some folks who might benefit from SSRIs may be reluctant to take them because of some of the info in the media lately.

      by ivorybill on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:52:32 PM PDT

      •  Prozac increased my anxiety level

        Especially in a synergetic effect with coffee.

        by C Barr on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:02:31 PM PDT

•  as a survivor

  i can tell you that it all sounds a lot like my experiences with PTSD. i survived a violent crime in 2005. i've since had innumerable problems: weight gain, insomnia, nightmares, a very short fuse, isolation, and the list goes on and on and on.

  even in the face of the horrors of my own tragedy (and much like you) i have had difficulty accepting the gravity of the PTSD label. my interior censors would write it off as depression, lazyness, paranoia, and whatever convienient, understandable handle i could put on the crisis du jour. accepting the true weight of PTSD meant aknowledging the depths to which i was shaken by violence.

  even something so minor as a fender-bender can trigger mild PTSD--fear reactions, flashbacks, and nighmares for months. what does watching violence on television imprint on our psychology? how about experiencing violence in person? what role does PTSD play in racism and hate? why does our government so willingly ignore the vets suffering from PTSD?

  coming through everything violence has done to me, i view the U.S. as a nation of PTSD. my grandfather's 'shell shock' from WWII certainly affected the psychology of the whole family, not the least of whom was my mother. my father's extreme anger upon his return from VietNam certainly did a similar trick on me growing up. it's a social, generational disease.

  in my (never humble) opinion, PTSD is how war destroys the fabric of society. suffering from PTSD, we quite simply forget how to get along with our loved ones. we forget about the gifts we're given, and we forget how to be productive members of society. i think the warmongers know this and use it to their benefit. i think they've been doing so a long, long time.

  the fact that this conversation is even taking place tells me that the future is bright and hopeful. good luck with all of it.

  as Paulo Coelho so eloquently put it, "...the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."

  peace.

  by TurtleTree on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:50:31 PM PDT

•  storm-related PTSD

  there's a lot of it around here.  that and a good bit of flat-out depression.  

  hang in there, there are more people who understand than you might think.

  by YatPundit on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:18:06 PM PDT

•  Do it Yourself Democracy

  When I am asked about the Presidential candidates these days, I tend to say that the campaign is a shadow show and that I don't believe in Big Daddy or Big Mommy coming down to save me, to save us.  I say that voting is the least of democracy and that the best of democracy, the most important part of democracy is people like us talking together and figuring it out for ourselves.

  We have to take our country back, our Constitution back, our laws back.  We can't depend on any politicians, media people, or "leaders" to do it for us.  We can only depend on ourselves to do what needs to be done.

  Perhaps the best thing we can do is pick something practical and do it.  Get angry on purpose, for a purpose.  Lastly, remember to be grateful for those daily miracles of everyday life - your children, a flower, a sunny day, the full moon - and take a moment, if only a single breath, to appreciate them.

  Take care of yourself.  What you've written here is brave and deeply felt.  Thank you for taking the time.  I wish you and your family as little pain as possible.

  by gmoke on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:23:43 PM PDT

•  You're not alone, friend... I know that I too

  go through periods when my startle-reflex seems set to fast-trigger.

  No, you're not alone. Thank you for a great diary - hope you find peace or relief.

  by va dare on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:46:24 PM PDT