My fantasy Hillary Press Conference
Sat Jan 05, 2008 at 09:19:34 AM PDT
She walks briskly to the stage not in a pantsuit, but in a tailored business suit and heels.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thanks for coming. I have a few announcements to make.
I'd like to start with a review of your performance in the past 8 years. It seems clear, after a lengthy review, that your goals for the country are not aligned with mine or that of the rest of America. We should all be working towards the same end but for some reason that I can't fathom, you seem determined to undermine our common goals.
Let's start with the presidential campaign of 2000. You variously described the very honorable, intelligent and visionary Al Gore as "wooden" and a "serial exaggerator".
You criticized his choice of wardrobe and implied that it was the work of a style makeover by Naomi Wolfe. Ms. Wolfe says you made the whole "earth tones" idea out of whole cloth.
You reported that he claimed to have invented the internet and that the couple from Love Story was based on his relationship with Tipper.
You criticized his sighs during a debate even as he mopped the floor with your favorite "cock of the walk" George Bush. You mocked his proposals to secure the Social Security trust fund.
During the recount, you encouraged readers to believe that the nation was going to have a constitutional crisis if he did not concede. You helped give us the first term of the Bush presidency that saw the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and the disastrous Iraq War. Judy Miller and Maureen Dowd worked especially hard for this dishonor.
Then there came John Kerry in 2004. A man who risked his life for his country running against a man who never risked anything but our honor and tax dollars.
He was a "flip-flopper", an elite, a snowboarding rich guy who couldn't identify with the common man. Kerry knew foreign policy better than George Bush and didn't need an earpiece to get him through debates. But you trashed him anyway.
You played the Swiftboat Ads and interviewed the attack group members and gave them full credence, downplaying the denials and the official reports. You allowed the lies to linger and printed the retractions on page 36.
You didn't even stand up for one of your own, Dan Rather, who after a long and distinguished career, was forced to resign after a story you yourselves failed to cover. You allowed yourselves to be intimidated by George Bush's hit squad and Karl Rove's obscene vendettas.
Congratulations, you gave us the second Bush term and Katrina and warrentless wire tapping and violations of our constitution that have severely damaged our abilty to get anything done in Congress.
And now, after 15 years of constant scrutiny of my life and past, and having found nothing, you have decided that I am "cold", that I have a "cackle", that I am "calculating", "unlikeable" and "wrinkled". According to Maureen Dowd, who seems to make multiple appearances in these infamous episodes, I am "stubborn and imperious and secretive and vindictive and entitled". According to Chris Matthews, who disrespectfully refers to me as "babe", I was the "inevitable" candidate, giving the voters the impression that they didn't have a choice.
And I have been guilty of a strategic mistake in all of this. I have run my campaign very carefully in the mistaken belief that if I didn't provoke you, you would cover me with some impartiality, you would be respectful and fair. This was a stupid assumption on my part because you don't like me, never have and never will.
Maybe that's a genuine response to me or maybe, more likely, it's a manufactured one you assume until you are sure you have taken me out of this race. Judging from Al Gore's campaign and John Kerry's campaign, and my own experience, I think we can all see a pattern here.
And in the last couple of months, you have praised my opponent at my expense. We know why you're doing it. You are hoping you'll have a relatively inexperienced Democratic nominee to go up against your annointed Republican nominee, John McCain. David Brooks described your strategy last night on Charlie Rose's show.
So, in a couple of months, after Mr. Obama secures the nomination, you will start to notice how his debate answers ramble and are unfocused and that he frequently seems rattled. Compared to John McCain's "commanding", "forceful" style, Mr. Obama will seem "thin" and "not well grounded". You will notice that he walks with a certain "urban lope". You will remember that he admitted to some "youthful indiscretions". You'll track down his former lovers for abortions and detials of his sexual prowess. You'll interview his Harvard classmates for signs that he was an Uncle Tom. You'll question his sincerity. And Chris Matthews has already taken his response to terrorism on a test run when he called Obama's response to Benazir Bhutto's death, "cold".
You do not want a Democrat to run the country, whether it is me or Mr. Edwards or Mr. Obama. And you've gotten a little heady with all the power you think you have to prop people up and then tear them down.
So, I've decided not to pander to you anymore. From now on, I'm going to say anything I want. You're going to spin it to fit your narrative anyway so I have nothing to fear from telling you exactly what's on my mind.
And yes, I laugh, I don't particularly like hanging out with you, I don't use botox like some of you do, I clap for myself sometimes and I'm a proud feminist.
But mostly I am sick and tired of you in the Press Gang giving your childish popularity contests priority over the needs of the country. You have allowed your petty behavior to be used by the people who want to ruin us for their own greed and power. Your performance has been substandard and unworthy of a free press. I will no longer consider you as important to my campaign. Cover me whatever way you like, I'm going to do what needs to be done.
Call me when you get over yourselves."
Snaps portfolio together, smiles shit eating grin.
Exits, stage left.
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