Although the DailyKOS is probably not the correct forum for this diary, I am so excited about my friend’s well earned good fortune that I just had to share it with our little community.
As you can see by the title of the diary, Phil Jackson, after consultation with the Lakers’ front office has hired a new assistant coach.
From the LA Times, I have provided the announcement of my friend’s appointment:
"The Los Angeles Lakers have announced the appointment of Ovurt Conpinsaten to the Lakers coaching staff. They feel that he will bring a fresh and unique approach to the Jackson triangle offense. Coach will add a wealth of experience to the team during this year’s campaign." A press conference is scheduled for September 28, 2008.
September 28, 2008:
Well, at that news conference Phil Jackson introduced, my friend, his new coach and discussed Conpinsaten's experience.
Jackson: "Ovurt Conpinsaten brings some very startling credentials. He has been a high school girls basketball coach for one year. He then coached the boys junior varsity basketball team for eight years. He also played basketball at a local community college for two years during which time he averaged 2.5 assists and 4.2 points per game. As you will see, he has a wonderful, sunny disposition and is really handsome - not that being handsome is important. Of course the women are really going to like him, and we are hoping that female attendance will increase." Jackson, turning around and looking at Mitch Cupchick, "Should I say that, Mitch?" Mitch Cupchick shakes his head up and down and mutters, "Couldn’t hurt. Christ I hope something begins to work."
LA Times Reporter: "How long have you known him?"
Jackson: Jackson looks at his watch. "About four hours. Well, it will be about four hours in another ten minutes."
LA Times Reporter: "What did you talk about in the interview?"
Jackson: "Interview? Ah, yes, the interview. It was comprehensive." Jackson looks behind him at Mitch Cupchick who looks to his left and then to his right and then shrugs his shoulders. Looking at Cupchick, Jackson mutters, "I sure wish someone would have told me about this interview stuff."
LA Times Reporter: "How long did it take?"
Jackson: "Counting the four hours or all by itself?"
LA Times Reporter: "All by itself."
Jackson: "Well, that’s hard to say."
LA Times Reporter: "What do you mean it’s hard to say?"
Jackson: Muttering to himself, "I mean I can’t bring myself to say it." Then out loud to reporters, "Long enough to know that I made the right choice."
LA Times Reporter: "Coach this is a big step. Do you really think that you have given this enough thought?"
Jackson: "As much as I can muster at my age." He laughs and once again muttering to himself, "Damn, I need a couple of aspirin. Crap, don’t they ever run out of questions?"
Then out loud he says, "Look guys, he’s really good looking, he has a nice smile, he’s feisty, he looks like my son but with different color hair. He was voted best looking in his high school year book. And you can check that; it’s true. And, well, I really like him. I don’t know why, but I just like him. If I were gay, I’d marry him. Of course he would have to be gay too. Overdirt, are you gay?"
Conpinsaten: "That’s Ovurt, coach," he says with a sparkling, spunky smile. "And no, I’m not gay."
Jackson: "Oh," he says with a saddened look. Then he quickly changes to a forced smile.
LA Times Reporter: "Well, coach, you haven’t answered the question."
Jackson: "What question?"
LA Times Reporter: "Do you really think that you have given this enough thought?"
Jackson: "Yes. As much as it deserves." He grabs his abdomen and doubles over in pain. Grimacing, he says, "Overkirk, come on up here." Taking short, quick steps, Jackson then leaves the stage with his butt cheeks clinched and waddles away.
LA Times Reporter: "Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?"
Conpinsaten: "Go ahead, fire it on out there," he says with a bright captivating smile.
LA Times Reporter: "Could you tell us why you think you have the experience to help coach this team?"
Conpinsaten: "Well, I actually own a basketball of my own. It’s a Spalding and it’s the Official NBA version. It’s got the logo it and everything, and I keep it inflated. I’ve been a fan of the game and have coached both girls and boys high school basketball."
LA Times Reporter: "Why do you think that coaching in high school qualifies you?"
Conpinsaten: "Oh, it does; it really does - you know because it’s basketball and basketball is basketball."
LA Times Reporter: "But specifically what?"
Conpinsaten: "Well, ya know guys, the basket is ten feet off the ground, the ball is round, the free throw line is 15 feet from the baseline, you get points for shooting the ball thing through the ring - ya - know. Oh, yes, the three point line is 19 feet 9 inches."
LA Times Reporter: "The free throw line is 15 feet from the BACKBOARD. The NBA three point line is 23 feet 9 inches."
Conpinsaten: "Whatt-eever."
LA Times Reporter: "What is your experience with the Laker tradition?"
Conpinsaten: "I’ve seen pictures of the Forum, and I’ve driven past Staples Center very slowly. I just love the statue of Magical Jackson. He dribbled and everything. It’s simply a great tradition." Quietly to himself, "Am I smiling enough?"
LA Times Reporter: "How well versed are you with the triangle offense."
Conpinsaten: "Other schools ran it in high school, and I could see it from the bench, so I feel like I know exactly what it is."
LA Times Reporter: "Could you explain how you visualize it’s use in a game atmosphere?"
Conpinsaten: "Well, you know there is the offense and the defense and then of course there’s the ball and stuff and lines going all over the place. See, one of the things you do, well- when the dunk and stuff hits the rim and the pass goes to the - uh - guard - the pointing guard, and then he points to places and then the centers and the rebounds for the hook shots in - well - we all need to work as a team and put our best effort into the game and the triangles becomes - winning is the most important thing and that the team comes first until the timeout and the referees when the whistle blows and the time on the clock which is 24 seconds but not the game time and that’s how Coach Jackson’s equilateral offensive is accomplished. Um - I’ll get back to you on the specifics. Hey, I got an "A" in geometry."
Jackson: Jackson returns and see that none of the Laker brass have remained.
LA Times Reporter: "Coach Jackson, Ovurt doesn’t seem to have very good grasp of the triangle offense. He even called it the equilateral offense."
Jackson: "Who, you mean Overskirt? Well, what do you expect when you ambush him with questions about basketball. I think that the media’s constant harping on basketball this and basketball that when the season is so close is really unfair to our assistant basketball coach. And Doc Rivers has no right to comment about his team. I’d like to see any of you withstand the same kind of scrutiny about, say, writing and speaking. It’s always the same "gotcha" thingy that you’ve been doing, like he’s supposed to actually know the answers to questions about basketball right off the top of his head. Why don’t you ask him about his family and his kids. You never ask him about his two dogs and the new little kitty that the dogs just had. I just think it’s deplorable. But he is still adorable, and you can criticize him all you want, but you can never take his looks or his amazing smile away. I’ve had two hip operations and it really hurts and then you come in here playing "gotcha." My hips still hurts. That’s what makes a basketball team and don’t you forget it. I have nine NBA rings and that experience was used in selecting this fine coach. Come on Overburp we have a film session to watch." Jackson escorts Ovurt off the stage and mutters to himself, "Crap, I did it again. Nine rings, and I still have my head up my ass."
Point number one: I am a Lakers fan and have been one for as long as I can remember. I think that Phil Jackson is a great coach - and a Democrat which makes him a greater coach. Finally, I hope that the Lakers kick some Boston Butt, those arrogant so and so’s. Truthfully, I respect Boston and last year they were the best team. But this ain’t last year.
Point number two: There is no point number two. So there.