As the proud owner of an American Pit Bull Terrier, I'm used to hearing accusations that my dog is nothing more than a vicious, baby-eating attack machine. Thanks to the mainstream media's shoddy, fear-based reports, I've spent countless hours correcting myths and misconceptions about the breed. Grown men dart behind cars and mothers shoo their children across the street as my goofy, happy-go-lucky dog approaches. I've been insulted, threatened, barked at, and have even been the target of bottles and rocks on our daily walks. But comparing my loyal, sweet, trustworthy dog to Sarah Palin? That, my friends, is where I draw the line.
It's been my dailykos signature since Palin took the stage, but now it's time to explain why my pit bull would make a better Vice President.
Bart's Plan for America (TM)
Strength of Character
Bart is a regular American with an inspiring life story. His parents abandoned him at the tender age of six months, leaving Bart to fend for himself. He ended up at the city shelter, homeless and destitute, a pound puppy with nothing but a bed and a bowl to his name. Thanks to hard work and some seriously pathetic puppy eyes, Bart escaped his desperate circumstances. He then survived a severe bout of mange and was forced to pay out-of-pocket for medications his family could barely afford. But being a tough guy with true grit and determination, he muscled through. The result is a true maverick, unwilling to stop doing zoomies on the bed in the face of adversity. Those who know him well describe Bart as loyal, warm, and cuddly, with a tenacious streak. This is a guy you'd love to have a beer with (if he were allowed to have one). And you can be sure that Bart will stand up to injustice, just as long as it doesn't interfere with dinnertime.
Bart has diplomacy down to a science. Once he's done jumping on you and spinning in circles, he really wants to get to know you. What kind of food do you like? Will you give him some? Do you say the words "walk" and "potty," or do you spell them out to hide your intentions? Bart won't look into Vladimir Putin's eyes to judge his soul; he'll sniff his crotch and get back to ya. He is pretty sure that whole Pakistan thing can be resolved with peanut butter. But if not, Bart has experience dealing with the threat of stray cats and baby possums hellbent on destroying our nation. He is not afraid to use force when necessary and has the battle scars to prove it.
Bart knows the economic pain you're feeling. He's not some millionaire with seven houses! He lives on a hard-scrabble block in West Philadelphia, and he doesn't need some "community organizer" trying to clean up the delicious chicken bones and trash he finds everywhere. Bart only has one house, and with natural gas prices soaring, he must shiver in his dog bed all winter with the thermostat at 55 degrees. He had to switch from Wellness to Canidae when food prices shot up. Bart only has a few shirts to his name, and he's been wearing the same collar for months. He's never had health insurance in his life. Though he doesn't own a car, he has noticed that car rides to the park have sharply decreased in recent months. Bart understands the average family needs stability, and he will work hard to ensure that all Americans (even cats) have a bright economic future.
And so, my fellow Americans, forget about comparisons to pit bulls and vote for a real one. That smell isn't dog pee; it's experience. Vote Bart.
Bart approved this message.