The wife and I got up early to vote in our federal election today up here in Canada. We were some of the first ones to vote and we voted to return our NDP MP, Catherine Bell, to Parliament. We're keeping our fingers crossed that enough Dippers and Greens will vote Liberal where appropriate to kick Stephen Harper and his Harpies out of government. It's a longshot.
Wifey then abandoned me to catch the ferry to Vancouver, leaving me with half a turkey left over from Thanksgiving, two cans of cranberry sauce, and enough bread to make a week's worth of turkey sandwiches. Sometimes life is good.
So in between turkey sandwiches, I thought I'd help out John McCain and Sarahcuda with their campaign a little - they're doing so poorly you almost, but not quite, feel sorry for them. So without further ado, I present my Top 10 Ways McCain Can Turn His Campaign Around...
- Use Cindy McCain's money to pay back the remaining victims of Keating's Lincoln S&L scandal. Since most of the victims who lost their life savings were seniors who had no chance of replacing that money and most have likely died, it may not cost that much.
- Since Cindy is now broke from repaying John's Keating victims, McCain should divorce her and marry a rich black man on the steps of San Francisco's City Hall to demonstrate he is an unbiased kept boy-toy.
- Challenge Vladimir Putin to a cage match, winner take all. But since Putin, like all KGB commie spies, is a judo expert, McCain gets to use a cattle prod.
- During tomorrow's debate, McCain should re-enact his beatings and torture at the hands of his Vietnamese captors to demonstrate he is willing to suffer more for Amerika than Barak Obama.
- Throw Sarah Palin into a pit with a hungry polar bear whose environment is being destroyed by global warming and let them "discuss" the issue on even terms.
- Declare war on the Zapatero Republic in South America so there is some place for US troops to occupy besides Iraq.
- Dye his remaining hair black and take a skateboard trip with his mom down a steep hill to prove he's "young and vigorous".
- Go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and shoot him in the face with a shotgun, afterwards declaring that Cheney was "grateful".
- Urinate all over Joe Lieberman while calling frantically for his Depends.
- Waterboard George W. Bush on the White House lawn while urging him to "man up, dude" and pronouncing, "See, it's not that bad!"
Feel fee to add your own. It's pile-on time.