Now it's all down to one debate. Tonight, McCain and Obama will face off for the last time. And after his dismal performance in the last two debates, poor John McCain is getting advice from everyone, most of it contradictory. "Be visionary!" "Be nasty!" "Be tough!" "Be compassionate!" "Be yourself!" "For God's sake, stop being yourself!"
So McCain is stuck. He's screwed. Barring Obama taking off his pants and inviting McCain to kiss his ten-points-ahead-in-the-polls ass, McCain stands little chance of making a difference tonight. He's in so much trouble, I've decided to put it to music. The following is called "McCain's Lament" and it is sung to the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke" from "West Side Story."
Enjoy:
McCAIN:
Deeear Moderator Schieffer
You gotta understand
I gotta give him grief for
Shaking William Ayer's hand.
His father was a Kenyan
His mother was a white!
Goodness me, I've
Gotta win this fight!
My dear Mr. Schieffer
I'm totally screwed.
I've got to play the tough guy
Without seeming too rude.
Though President Chimpy
Deserves all the blame.
Obama says that I'm the same!
OBAMA: He's the same!
McCAIN: I'm the same! I'm the same! I am just the same.
Taxes, foreign policy- the same!
SCHIEFFER: (spoken) It isn't up to me, old man. Remember, the people out there in TV land are the ones you have to sell yourself to. So get busy!
McCAIN: (spoken) Right! I've got to take my case to the people!
(turning to the TV camera)
Dear kindly viewing public
I know I'm in a mess.
My running mate's a moose destroying
Dimwit in a dress!
It ain't I'm anti-women.
I'm only anti-dope!
Now the voters want the guy with Hope!
VIEWERS: My dear Mr. Scheiffer
You're really a square.
This man don't need a vote
He's needs a whole lot more hair!
He looks like a mummy
That's just been unwrapped.
He's looking old and really fat!
McCAIN: I am fat!
I am fat! I am fat! I am so, so fat!
I am girdle-challengingly fat!
VIEWERS: (spoken) Sorry, John, but we can never vote for a guy who looks as terrible, ancient and untrustworthy as you. We need to send you to a campaign specialist for a makeover as soon as possible!
McCAIN: Of course! I need a makeover on account of I'm so old!
(gets on the phone)
My dear campaign advisor
The Viet Cong were mean.
I only lived there five years
It looks more like fifteen!
My skin is full of wrinkles.
And I can't raise my arms!
Golly Moses
That's why I lack charm!
CAMPAIGN ADVISOR:
You idiot Shieffer
Please don't look to us.
He's earned his pasty face
From spending years on that bus.
He's just got no choice now, he's got to attack!
Point out the enemy is black!
McCAIN: He is black!
He is black! He is black! Well, he's mostly black!
Can't you see? The Democrat is black!
CAMPAIGN ADVISOR: (Spoken) Your image is your image, John. We can't help you with that. Just paint your opponent as a terrorist loving, foreign-sounding, ethnic weirdo. That's your only choice. Good luck!
SCHIEFFER: The trouble is he's cranky!
VIEWERS: The trouble is he's old!
CAMPAIGN ADVISOR: The trouble's his hot temper!
SCHIEFFER: The trouble is he's cold!
VIEWERS: The trouble is he's Dubya!
CAMPAIGN ADVISOR: It's that he's John McCain!
McCAIN: Fine then- I will try one last refrain:
Please Barack Obama, I'm down on my knees
Cause no one wants a leader with cancerous disease.
Wait! I must be tough now! So what should I do?
(To Obama:)
Hey, terrorist jerkwad: Fuck you!