Another election, another culture war. Every two or four years, we get to have another national debate on the "sanctity" of marriage. California, a state that legalized gay marriage recently, has a proposition on the ballot this year (Prop. 8) almost entirely funded by the Mormon Church to eliminate the rights of gay couples and add a section to the state Constitution stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized." In my state, Arizona, Proposition 102 (or "Yes on Marriage!" as it’s dubiously advertised) moves to define marriage in the state Constitution as "the union of one man and one woman." Across the nation, gay marriage has become yet another wedge issue for politicians to use.
The arguments supporting these measures always fall along the same lines. "Marriage traditionally has been for straight couples." Right. Tradition gets us nowhere. Slavery was traditionally a boom for those that controlled the economy. Women traditionally were not allowed to vote. Just because something has been done the same way for generations does not make it right. "The Bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman." Great! But that’s your holy book, not mine. We live in a nation that allows freedom of religion, which means that the state has no right to enforce the rules and restrictions of any particular religion on me. Christians in this nation would be justifiably terrified and angry if our government took a passage of the Qur’an and demanded that the rest of the nation adhere to the moral code and social structure of a passage in another religion’s canon, but they don’t complain when it comes from their book. I don’t care to debate the validity or accuracy of the Bible – everyone in this country has the right to believe whatever they want, and far be it from me to tell another person what they should or should not worship. But can we at least recognize that it’s a personal decision, and that there are well meaning people who simply don’t treat the Bible as the eternal word of a divine being?
Of course, the people behind these measures recognize that pushing them forward as explicitly religious proposals would cross some lines and turn a lot of people off, so they talk around it by choosing to use such fantastically preposterous terms as "the sanctity of marriage." The SANCTITY of marriage? We live in a nation with a divorce rate that exceeds 50% - exclusively among straight couples. We have celebrities that get married while they’re drunk in Vegas and then file some paperwork to have it annulled the next week, a right extended to them only because they’re straight. If marriage were a sacred, lifelong union handed down from God, we wouldn’t have prenuptial agreements, divorces and annulments. But those options exist because sometimes on this Earth, things don’t work out between people, even if their intentions are pure. In this nation, that’s okay – as long as you’re straight. But if a gay couple that intends to stay together for the rest of their lives desires to enter into the same contract, it undermines the foundation of the institution of marriage? America needs to walk the walk if it’s going to talk the talk. The only way any of these proposals could be considered intellectually honest is if they moved to not only define marriage as between a man and a woman, but also made it illegal to get divorced, have a union annulled, or enter into a prenuptial agreement that literally exists only in case things don’t work out.
Sexuality is a sticky subject (no pun intended), and there are a lot of people who seem to think that legalizing gay marriage will somehow undo the delicate fabric of society, forever eradicating heterosexuality as we know it and contributing to the downfall of the American family. Never mind that the American family is being pulled apart because of increasing inflation and decreasing wages, wasteful wars fought in countries that have nothing to do with the people that attacked us years ago, increasingly unaffordable healthcare and the largest national debt in the history of our country. A wake up call: gay marriage will not increase or decrease the number of non-heteronormative couples in the world, just like the institute of marriage doesn’t make people more likely to be straight. It will in fact reinforce family values in our country and align them closer to reality – the reality that the content of one’s character and relationships has little to do with who you love and more to do with how you love them.
I am not a gay or bisexual man. I have a son with a woman I love and will marry next year. But I do have family, friends, and enemies who all deserve the same rights I have. I urge everyone who is close enough to me to see this and read it to voice your support for our gay brothers and sisters, erase the hate that has dominated this discussion for so long, and start standing up for what’s right. Vote against measures that would limit equal rights for gay couples, and do whatever you can to promote measures that expand and include them. Conservatives concerned that they are somehow voting against their religion can take solace in the fact that a vote for marriage equality is a vote against government favoritism and discrimination, a vote against the Government having the right to declare what is "sacred" for the rest of the nation. It is keeping government out of relationships instead of allowing it to determine what constitutes a real relationship.
And if you are for these measures - if you believe that marriage should always be a man and a woman, that only heterosexual couples can love and love right, and that marriage is a sacred promise between two people and God - then I urge you to not only proclaim your support for what it is, a vote for your religion, but also take the steps to eliminate the right to divorce, annulment, and prenuptials. Sacred means sacred, and the Bible states that we should not "let man separate what God has joined together." Don’t reserve the right to change your mind and end your own marriage if you think that homosexuality poses a threat to the "sanctity" of marriage.
This is not just about legality or special interests. This is about moving our society forward, erasing the mistakes of our ancestors and fathers and mothers by creating a better world for our children so that they can fix the things that we get wrong. We are an imperfect species in an imperfect world, and every day reveals more about human nature than we are sometimes ready to admit. But coming to terms with those basic truths as we slowly begin to understand them frees us from hatred and bigotry. Understanding that women are capable of working, thinking and achieving as much as men uncovered the basic truth that our gender does not define our worth. Understanding that the chromosomal difference between a black man and white man is the same amount of difference as the genetic deviation between a person with blonde hair and person with black hair magnifies the basic truth that our skin color has little bearing on our status as a human. So it follows, then, that understanding there are millions and millions of homosexual and bisexual people in this world – all born that way - will amplify the truth that there is little difference between straight love and gay love, and that the human species is filled with a fascinating and wonderful variety of forms and expressions. Our societies and our laws must reflect our understanding of the world. Next week, vote for understanding. Support equal rights.