In just a few short days, Americans will be expected to endorse a policy of pure socialism that will take from those who have and give to those who do not. "Redistribution of wealth" is the phrase on the lips of millions of Americans since Joe the Plumber confronted Senator Obama. I'm sure you'll agree with me, a thoughtful, considerate Aquarius who has put due consideration into both sides of the issue, in saying that it's absolutely wrong for those who Have to sacrifice in order to make a better, easier life for those who Have Not.
That's why I'm encouraging you all to take a stand against socialism when it literally comes knocking on your door this Friday. Yes. This Friday.
On October 31st, millions of children will literally go door-to-door throughout this great country expecting you to share your wealth, encouraged by parents to are either unable or too lazy to provide for their own family. You will be expected to share some of your hard-earned candy, receiving nothing in return. This socialism - this redistribution of the confectionary wealth - cannot be allowed to stand.
Some will say that this proposal is targeted only at households that earn enough in a year to afford 250,000 King Size Snickers bars a year. That may sound like a lot of Snickers bars, and indeed it is: it's almost 685 King Size Snickers bars EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR, assuming you can find them for a dollar each (a true capitalist should be able to find them for significantly less, perhaps by harnessing the buying power of Walmart or a warehouse club).
"What household would NEED 685 candy bars a day?" you may be asking yourself. Good question - it's way more than the average household would need to eat comfortably in a given year, and only 2% of American households actually earn this many candy bars a day. Odds are very good that you, dear reader, do not and will not earn this much in any given year of your life.* But these socialist children will still knock on your door, expecting you to share your accumulated wealth with them, and giving you nothing in return other than a fleeting smile before they're on to the next home and their precious store of candy. Chocolate, lollipops, caramels - these kids don't care what kind of sweets you have, they just know that they want them and can put them to better use than you could.
Do not give in to their pleading eyes and open pillowcases. Resist the pressure to give to those who'd appreciate the nougat or chocolate-covered raisins you take for granted. You worked hard for that bag of Sweet Tarts and that oversize bag of individually-portioned Nerds. If these kids really needed the candy, they'd find a way to earn it for themselves. If having it could really make their lives better, they'd be motivated enough to overcome any obstacle in their way and buy their own candy. What are they? Lazy?
Take a stand, America. Take a stand against the redistribution of your hard-earned, sweet-tasting wealth. Deny those who want your candy, those who would appreciate every morsel, those who would otherwise go hungry. You worked hard for that bag of Crunch bars. They should be yours, and yours alone, to enjoy. Eat them until you puke, all the while watching those sad little urchin's faces.
I hope you'll join me in symbolicly "casting your vote" by turning off your beacon light outside your door and refusing to answer the call - the knock on your door by the kids who don't have what you do - when the time comes.
We are entitled to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness under the Declaration of Independence. I don't know about you, but my pursuit begins and ends with 28.5 King Size Snickers bars every hour of every day.