I hate those words, for they have never indicated something good on the horizon. Last night was no different.
My husband and I spent the last weekend "not liking each other" very much. He was on edge and I felt under appreciated for the work I had been doing to cut our expenses and trim our budget. I knew that it was a start, there was more that I had to do. But it was a start and it was already showing in our bank account.
But still he wasn’t happy and we seemed to spend last weekend in our separate corners.
Last night he decided to tell me why.
"When you have a moment, we need to talk." I followed him into the bedroom that had been my daughter’s, and now held the computers. He asked me to sit down and he left the room for a brief moment. coming back in with a two page letter.
He handed it to me. "Read." he encouraged.
I did.
First paragraph:
". . .our _______ business . . . falling short of financial expectations. . ."
Second paragraph:
"We continue to see weakness in major stock-market indices which is a reflection of the global financial crisis. Unfortunately, our ______________ business is not insulated from the global economic downturn. Our ________________ customers are now struggling with not only reimbursement pressures but also with rapidly changing market dynamics. _______________ ________________, along with every one of our competitors, has been negatively affected."
Fifth paragraph:
". . . we must accelerate our restructuring efforts. . . The restructuring unfortunately will necessitate a reduction in workforce. You can expect to see actions of the workforce reduction implemented as early as this quarter (Q4) . . ."
I looked up, and he could see the fear in my eyes. I am not one who handles risk well, in fact he and I are rather risk adversed.
"I haven’t been laid off as of yet." he tried to reassure me. "I might not be laid off at all."
"But if I am, we need to have a plan. We can cash in our stocks such as they are (what little we have, has lost half their value) and live off our savings for 6 months until I find another job. We can still get health insurance via Cobra, but we will have to pay for it totally. If I don’t have a job by the end of that time our only choice is to move to your parents or to mine."
And there it was.
I looked around this house with tears welling up in my eyes. "We're going to lose all that we worked for."
Our twentieth anniversary is next month.
Twenty years ago we had nothing. My husband, fresh out of college with a BSEE could not find a job in the Reagan/Bush economy. With a new wife, two step children (whose Dad was NOT paying his court ordered child support) he took what he could get, a job at 7-11.
I worked too, a part time job while I tried to finish my degree. It was hard. Sometimes we didn’t have enough money to pay the rent on our roach invested apartment, so we borrowed from my parents.
In an almost ironic insult we made enough in that economy to be eligible for $11.00 worth of food stamps. It was hardly worth the humiliation of filing and going through the process of being approved. But we took it, every little bit helped.
After a year and a half of that we took the only gamble our hearts could take. Fulfilling my father-in-law’s deathbed wish, my husband applied for graduate school. He was accepted into the University of Massachusetts.
We could not afford for everyone to go, so I stayed in Denver and worked full time, going to school part time, trying to finish. That distance, for that long, almost ended our young marriage. But we struggled through. Our plan was for him to return to Denver and get a job there. However California’s economic meltdown changed our plans, as all the jobs in Denver were being taken by Californians. We stayed here.
From where I sit today I am not more than 2 miles from our other addresses. Each an improvement on the last. Each reflecting our better financial standing (and a growing family).
"Lean times" were the watch word at both those addresses.We wore slippers, sweaters and covered ourselves in many blankets and comforters to keep our heating costs down. During heat waves we’d drag all the mattresses into one room, then position the fans in a circle all around us, our family of 6 slept.
Hamburger, frozen vegetables, dry noodles, eggs, potatoes and rice were our friends. Salad, fresh fruits and vegetables were a "special" thing. There were times my husband and I stopped drinking milk and eating bread, just so it would make it through to the next pay check – so the kids would have enough.
Our cars have also been a reflection on how we are doing. For many years we only had one car, my husband would take the commuter rail into work. That car was a hail damaged pock marked VW Dasher wagon. It was already over 10 years old when we drove it out here and it ran and suffered as any car that age would.
Through it all there was always the promise that we will get "there," things will be better.
As a surprise Christmas gift a few years after moving here my parents drove up a 10+ year old Dodge Caravan. My Dad had rescued it from a junkyard fixed it, sunk in a new engine and gave it to us. And it ran perfectly until one day it blew a seal then threw a rod as we were on our way to my son’s Pop Warner district Championship game.
We made sure he made it, but we didn’t get to go.
The van problem came just about at the right time. My husband’s company moved out of Boston to the suburbs, we now needed two cars. We thought small, fuel efficiently, a used Dodge Neon (mine) and a Toyota Corolla (his).
It might seem strange, but our biggest "we’ve made it" day was when we bought the ’03 Camry. After years of having used, constantly needing to be fixed cars, and small compact cars, we were able to buy a car that we not only needed (boys who had the temerity to grow to 6+ft tall), and fuel efficiently, and finally NEW.
Yay! All our hard work.
I sit here and look into the living room at the 16 year old particle board entertainment center that is still in use, with only a hint of a sag to show it’s age. I see the basket of clothes that no one can wear that now that will go to charity, one of my beloved cats is dozing on the sofa arm.
If we make the decision to move to my husband’s parents, what will become of her? Of them. His parents live in another country, she (they) can’t come with us. Most of our belongings and cherished items can’t come with us.
Sure we have had our excesses every once in a while, and maybe there were times I was reckless. But now I walk through my house, MY house, with tears welling in my eyes. It could all be gone.
I curse my own infirmity that made me leave teaching, even subbing a few years ago. I don’t have a job where I can help. And in so doing savage myself.
Lucky we have health insurance, but for how much longer?
I think about my kids, what upheaval this will mean for them. My middle son a year and a half from graduating high school. Could we stay long enough for him to graduate? If we move he will not have enough time to get in thick with a new group of kids. And what about his college education?
Our funds will be used to keep us afloat not toward their education.
Then I think "please let this fall on someone else, keep his job safe." I immediately chastise myself. How wrong of me to wish ill and hardship on someone else. But how true to the Randian predatory capitalism that we are in.
To save my family, others have to fall.
To me, these thoughts are immoral.
They used to say "a rising tide lifts all boats." It was the neo con mantra.
The only ones I see rising, or resting in semi placid waves are those belonging to the CEOs, the rich, the ones who benefit from distributing our income into their over stuffed pockets. The rest of us are trying to steer away from the jagged rocks, or have already had their boat dashed and lost upon them.
My husband hasn't been laid off, yet. Maybe he won't be at all.
Tonight another husband and wife will look at each other with fear in their eyes, and hope for a better future.
Obama/Biden ‘08
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update to correct "drive it our" and some grammar and spelling errors
And to say, "thank you!" for all your thoughts and well wishes. I have to leave soon to pick up sons from school. But I will read them all when I get back.