From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
My List
Waterloo. The Titanic. Gigli.
Enron. The Edsel. Cop Rock.
The Hindenburg. New Coke. GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson.
Deregulation. Trickle-down economics. Viceroy Paul Bremer.
Vioxx. Putting metal in the Microwave. This driver.
Dollar coins. Britney's first marriage. Liza Minnelli's fourth.
Karl Rove's "The Math." "Dewey Defeats Truman." "Dem picks Gephardt as VP candidate."
Little Big Horn. Plan Nine From Outer Space. Crystal Pepsi.
SHCOOL. Morans. A Real Republician.
Windows Vista. Gizmondo. Vaporware.
"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing." "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
Pickett's charge. Shemp. The Half Hour Comedy Hour.
The '76 Buccaneers. The '72-'73 76ers. The Cleveland Spiders.
Ishtar. Caddyshack 2. An American Carol.
Boehner. Stevens. Bachmann.
Gramm. Pfotenhauer. Lieberman.
Davis/Schmidt. Bush/Cheney. McCain/Palin
Your list may vary.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Note: Dear Mr. Bradley: I understand you have an effect. Please turn it off. Thank you. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the general election: 6
Days `til the 25th annual Fall Art Walk in Helena, Montana: 16
Peak number of Crawford, Texas stores that sold George W. Bush souvenirs: 7
Number that have closed: 3
Number of the remaining four that maintain regular hours: 2
(Source: The New Yorker via The Week)
Projected amount that same-sex weddings will add to California's economy during the next three years, assuming Proposition 8 is defeated: $684 million
(Source: Harper's Index)
Average monthly increase in Social Security benefits next year: $63
(Source: USA Today)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 158 (including 5 ecumenisms and 1 sneak attack in the War on Christmas). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Can you spot the liberal?
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CHEERS to the irrationaliest exuberance. Oh bless you, gods of the Dow Jones Industrial Average! Whoever the hell you are and whatever the hell you do (besides control humanity's thoughts, words and actions), just...bless yer hearts all around! To keep the rally going, I promise to leave a sacrificial bear on your steps today, in the hopes that your awesomeness will continue to bless us peons one and all. I hope you don’t mind it's a gummi bear---the real one twisted the barrel of my shotgun into a pretzel.
P.S. Today is the 79th anniversary of "Black Monday." To commemorate the occasion, today's special in the C&J cafeteria is bread soup, bread salad and bread casserole. Served with a freshly-baked roll.
CHEERS to the state of the race. With six days to go it's like drinking from a fire hose! (Ding! Ding! Ding! Yay, I'm the first person ever to use that phrase!) Here's what I know at this point:
>> The Obama campaign is cautious but confident. The McCain campaign staffers now communicate with each other through a series of Paleolithic grunts and the flinging of poo.
>> John McCain crashed three planes and was tortured in Vietnam...and yet he's afraid to give a speech in the rain. Pussy.
>> Obama is still a socialist communist madrassa-educated Muslim Christian terrorist-enabler. And now, according to the McCain campaign, he's also a "redistributionist." Which I believe means he intends to transfer ownership of the federal government to eBay. We approve.
>> Joe Lieberman, feeling the wind now in his face, pivots. "Nothin' personal, Barack, you understand...it was just business. No swirlies! No swirlies! Aiiyyyeeee!!!" He chose...poorly.
>> The polls show that Obama could win even if he loses Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania. He either needs to sweep Virginia, Colorado, New Mexico and North Carolina...or he can trade Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania to Canada for Manitoba.
Meanwhile Obama will be channeling Ron Popeil tonight at 8 on CBS, NBC, MSNBC and Fox. Last night on Countdown, Eugene Robinson of The Washington Post said Obama's message would be: "I'm safe." Since most Americans seem to know that already, the remaining 29 minutes will be filled by Trina Hankenberger and her Green Bay Cloggers, and Ronaldo the plate spinner. Oh, precious polls---prepare for thy bump.
CHEERS to the fed-up female. On October 29, 1966, the National Organization for Women (NOW) was formed. Their mission:
NOW is the largest, most comprehensive feminist advocacy group in the United States. Our purpose is to take action to bring women into full participation in society---sharing equal rights, responsibilities and opportunities with men, while living free from discrimination. NOW's Top Six Priority Issues [are] advancing reproductive freedom, promoting diversity & ending racism, stopping violence against women, winning lesbian rights, achieving constitutional equality, and ensuring economic justice.
We completely agree. But I'm still gonna open the door for ya.
CHEERS to spitting the Kool-Aid out. Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who seems to be one of the more put-together Republicans of any esteem these days, may have just given Obama an edge in the state by extending early voting hours there from 7am to 7pm:
"I...have concluded that it is always the right thing to do to give voters every opportunity to cast a ballot," Governor Crist said. "I have a responsibility to the voters of our state to ensure that the maximum number of citizens can participate in the electoral process, and that every person can exercise the right to vote." ...
Early voting began on October 20 and runs through November 2. ... Floridians can contact their county’s Supervisor of Elections for dates, times and locations of early voting. Florida voters can also request absentee ballots to be mailed to them until October 29.
Naturally the GOP base is furious. Putting country before party? How dare he.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. USA Today asks: Pets in costume: Cute or creepy?
Creepy.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to saying "No!" Diane Feinstein (D-CA) is one of those frustrating senators who earns both praise and scorn in seemingly equal measure. But she gets a big gold star in the "plus" column today, thanks to a new ad in which she urges Californians to vote against proposition 8. I especially liked her tagline: "...or I'll come to your house and give you a good long icy stare." I hear it can melt titanium.
CHEERS to the D.C. MEGA SENATORIAL PROTOCOL SMACKDOWN!!! It's the old guy from West Virginia versus the old guy from Nevada in nothing but sarongs and a steel cage:
The inside-Washington newspaper Politico, citing anonymous sources, reported Tuesday that Reid, D-Nev., is planning to ease Byrd, the longest-serving senator in history, from the helm of the powerful Appropriations panel and would award the chairmanship to the next most senior Democrat, Daniel Inouye of Hawaii.
"I am disappointed that, according to press accounts, the Majority Leader is talking to others about the chairmanship of the Senate Appropriations Committee," Byrd said in a statement released by his office. "This is the sort of Washington back-room gossip which ill serves the Democratic Party in a year when Democratic unity should be paramount."
I've seen these kinds of altercations before in the Senate, and they always end the same way: with a caning.
CHEERS to the most prestigious name in news. On October 29, 1911, newspaperman Joseph Pulitzer died aboard his yacht in Charleston, South Carolina. Today all journamalists, from the most popular columnists to the lowly police blotter scribes, pray that their work will one day win the coveted prize named after him: the Joseph.
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One Year Ago in C&J: October 29, 2007...
CHEERS to new discoveries. Scientists, whom we presume were sober at the time, have found hundreds of missing black holes way out yonder. Says David Elbaz of the French Commissariat a l'Energie Atomique (a popular Parisian gay bar): "It's as if we were blindfolded studying the elephant before, and we weren't sure what kind of animal we had." In a related story, the $9 billion of American taxpayers' money that turned up missing in Iraq has been located in one of the black holes. Paul Bremer will be launched in a U-Haul™ space pod to go fetch it. One bag of Doritos should be enough, right?
JEERS to head games. Remember when Nancy Pelosi wore a customary headscarf in Syria and the right-wingers blew a gasket? Well, Laura Bush went to Saudi Arabia last week and wore a customary headscarf and, like Pavlov's dog, the right-wingers went nuts again. At least they're consistent. Consistently paranoid and ignorant.
P.S. Go ahead and puke all over me, but that's one of the best photos of Laura I've seen. All I can figure is she'd either just kicked Condi in the shins or secretly signed divorce papers.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Glowbama. Man, talk about grassroots enthusiasm---check out all the cool Halloween "Barack O'Lanterns" over at YesWeCarve.com. (And note, yet again, the creative use of the Obama logo.) You can download your own stencils here. Not to be outdone, McCain supporters are getting into the Fright Night spirit by dressing up as McCain supporters. The blood is fake. The drool is real.
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Oh my God! John McCain has gotten the "D of Death" from Rupert Murdoch! He's toast. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about Cheers and Jeers?"
"Ah, fuck you."
---Joe McCain
10/21/08
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