As the promised, nearly certain Election Day victory approaches, I look forward to the magical day after..
Inspired by certain semitrollish comments, I've decided to take us on a magical mystery tour, peering into our fantastical future...
There will be magic in the air on Nov. 5th.
Racial reconciliation will be achieved. The wounds of the Civil War will be closed, and our white Southern brethren will finally agree to join the Union on something less than their terms.
A thousand flowers will bloom -- and so will a thousand windmills. Solar collectors will come out of hibernation and spread their life-giving panels across our deserts and on every rooftop.
Our troops will come marching home from Iraq -- and pick up a sandwich and a peck on the cheek, before boarding planes headed for Afghanistan. They will return when it is announced that bin Laden choked to death on a pretzel, while watching election returns.
Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas will wave goodbye to their Supreme Court office staff. A thousand abortion clinics will bloom....
Banks will start freely lending, foreclosed homes will be returned to their rightful owners, and the credit card companies will declare a two-year interest-free holiday.
John McCain will concede the American people made the right choice. He will admit that his campaign was one big spiteful "f--- you" to the GOP and America, in revenge for his 2000 defeat. Finally, he will announce he really is still a Catholic, and that he will be spending the next 48 hours in a church confessional, repenting for the myriad of sins he committed during the campaign.
The mullahs in Iran will declare that Barack Hussein Obama is the true heir of Mohammed, and pledge fealty to his every fatwa. They also discover another 50 American hostages held since the revolution, that no one knew about. They promise to return them to the new Prophet.
Vladimir Putin will put his shirt back on, and promise never to flex his muscles again, literally or figuratively.
The Castro brothers will announce they're getting out of Cuban politics. A thousand American hotels will bloom on Havana's beaches.
Bill Ayers, Rev. Wright and Rashid Khalidi will turn into pillars of salt. So will Michelle Bachmann and Liddy Dole.
Ted Stevens and Don Young will turn into puddles of oil. After plane crash while touring the melting polar ice-cap, Sen. James Inhofe will be eaten by polar bears.
Sarah Palin will finally realize her dream ,as the judges of the 1983 Miss Alaska contest will announce there was a tabulating error that drastically lowered the score for her amazing flute-playing. She will be given the honor of Miss Alaska, and announce she is retiring from politics to pursue her dream of becoming Miss America - after which she will pursue her other dream of Alaskan secession.
The host of the 2016 Olympics will be suddenly be announced -- the Games will be awarded to Chicago. Not to be outdone, FIFA, the worldwide governing body of soccer will announce the 2018 World Cup will be hosted by the United States.
5 million jobs will bloom.
Bureaucrats will cheer when it is announced the national capital is being relocated to Honolulu. And the Washington Redskins promise to change their name to something less offensive.
Guy Ritchie and Madonna will announce that they are not getting back together, but that they have agreed that neither of them should ever make a movie again, or record any more music.
Joe the Plumber will announce that he's going to save so much money under Obama's tax plan that he can finally realize his dream of buying that plumbing business. He vows to stay out of the public eye forever.
Lou Dobbs will announce that he is leaving the country. He doesn't know where he's going, but he's leaving the country.
Voters in Maricopa County will reject Sheriff Joe (Arpaio).
Californians will reject the ban on same-sex marriage, and approve high-speed rail.
But, the thing I am looking forward to most of all: On Nov. 5th, the spell-checker tools of the world will come together and suddenly accept "Barack" and "Obama" as correct spellings.
What are you looking forward to?