Cynical Republicans would have you believe that ordinary people like Joe the "Plumber" and Cory the Well-Driller are the "face" of the Party. But as we stare out across that vast sea of white, off-white, and French vanilla, there are a lot of pretty faces out there:
"Hi! I'm Cindy, the Silver-Crested Coupon-Clipper. I've never worked a day in my life and never had to, because my daddy made a fortune, thanks to his connections to the Mob. I own a beer distributorship ... and my very own Senator. It really comes in handy when I steal prescription medicines from my own charity; no one would ever dare prosecute me, as I am richer than Croesus. When your bestest buddy owns the Justice Department
the law simply doesn't apply to you.
While you little people work your fingers to the bone, having to pay a 35% income tax and a 5% state income tax (because that's where your job is), and Social Security tax on top of that -- and have to pay for child care so that you can work two jobs to stay afloat -- I only have to pay 15% on my income and then, only when I decide to pay it. I can buy a penthouse suite in Las Vegas (because my boy-toy -- well, in his case, it's the father I never really had -- loves to play craps) and make it my residence for tax purposes. I can borrow on my assets to pay for my living expenses, and it's all tax-free. And when my boy-toy and I die, we can pass $10,000,000 on to the next generation of freeloaders-- I mean, our children-- tax-free!
When we fly in our private jet for (wink, wink) "business" conferences at six-star hotels in Hawaii or the Bahamas, we can write it all off -- complete with spa treatments. If I want that beautiful Lassen original in a boutique in Laguna, I can have my business buy it for my (wink, wink) home office, while little people like Bouldergeist have to use unfinished doors as desks.
When you own your own Senator or CONgressMAN, people like to do all sorts of nice things for you. People take you on vacations on their private jets and renovate your house for a deep discount, and will even buy one of your houses for an exorbitant price. Owning your own gigolo legislator is de riguer, because they make it possible for you to steal from the little people. Of course, we have to give back a bit of what we have stolen, which is why we are so committed to our charitable work.
Senator Obama, how dare you threaten to raise my taxes!!! Who do you think you are dealing with here? Why, I could buy a dozen of you from petty cash!"