Forewarning: political incorrectness and foul language contained herein
Forget Joe the Plumber. I was talking to a racist today. Ralph the Racist. This is in Pennsylvania...a battleground. To be fair, I didn't know Ralph was a racist until he opened his mouth. His words were fairly clear and concise:
"I'll never vote for a nigger with purple lips."
I wasn't sure if the purple lips were the dealbreaker, or the fact that he was black. Frankly, I didn't really care. Folks like this are rarely swayed, and I didn't make it my business to try to change his position. Clearly, his position could best be described as petrified. Like the wood in Arizona. Or maybe the senator from Arizona...I'm not sure.
Lo and behold, after I had turned my attention away from him and back to my much more important latte someone else in the break room had a go at him. Well, he turned red. (Hey, maybe it was purple, but I don't personally discriminate). Then the magic words came out: communist, terrorist, socialist, tax and spend radical, and...nigger.
"And," he bellowed, standing now, "he won't go after the terrorists. The democrats never do. They let Bin Laden get away when he was in Pakistan. We gotta go over there and blow those A-rabs away. I don't want 'em comin' here and killing us. We gotta take out their cities."
I don't know why I did it. But I stood. I opened my eyes wide, and I short-punched the air. "Yes!" I exclaimed.
"You know what I'm talking about, right? We gotta kill all the ragheads over there. Can't allow the terrorists to have their way with us here in America. Right?"
"Abso-fuckin'-lutely," I responded. "We gotta take 'em all out. Start with Iran." I pronounced it Eye-Ran.
"Yeah," he said.
"Finish off Iraq." I pronounced it Eye-Rack.
"Yeah," he said. I had my very own parrot, albeit an overweight, and relatively simple-minded, Republican one.
"Yes, yes," I added ferevently. "Let's bomb the fuckers. Beirut...we gotta hit Hezbollah, right?"
"Yep," he agreed, nodding his head. I paid scant attention. I was caught up in the devilish details of my 'bomb the fuckers' list.
"And Ramallah..."
"Where?" he interjected.
"Palestinians." He nodded his assent. "Pakistan, Waziristan...anything called Stan. All those crazy Islamicos are over there."
"That's what I like to hear!" He was beaming.
"Where else, man? North Korea, of course. But where else? Come on..." I prodded him.
"I dunno..." he allowed. To be fair, both of his brain cells were already in overdrive.
"Got it!" I yelled, pumping my fist.
"Yeah...he's got another one!" He was excited.
" Kansas." I said it evenly.
"Yea...wha?"
"McVeigh...that fuckin' terrorist was from Kansas. They gotta go. We gotta take out the places that harbor them, you know? And New York. He was born in New York. We can't let them keep raisin' terrorists." I dropped the 'G' on purpose to - you know - fit in with the Alaska crowd.
"No, no...I mean, that's not..."
"Belfast. IRA. Tokyo. Aum Shinrikyo...those dicks used chemical weapons, remember? Yeah, we gotta hit Tokyo...that's where they're from."
This was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable to him.
"Munich and Berlin - fucking Baader Meinhof terrorists. Paris...ever hear of Action Directe? We'll hit Bordeaux, too. It'll do wonders for the Napa economy. Heh Heh." It was my Jon Stewart-Dick Cheney evil laugh. "Wait, SLA was from California. Fug it...Napa's gone. Boooooom. Oklahoma..."
"Wh...why Oklahoma?"
"Duh...they let McVeigh cross state lines with a freakin' bomb, dude! Those terror lovers are just beggin' for 2000 pounds of smart bomb religion."
"I...I don't think we should be bombing America."
Finally. Hell, I was running out of cities to blow up.
"That, my friend, is why you Republicans can't be allowed to control our national defense. You're fuckin' spineless. Vote Obama...blow up the world."
"He's still a nigger."
And what can one say to that? I had been playing with him, but I wanted to cry.
I keep thinking that we are one of the great nations that rose up and morally forced the end of aparteid in South Africa. In the late 80's, we forced the end of such an unconscionable evil.
I hope we can look in the mirror tomorrow morning and say that we, like South Africa...SOUTH AFRICA for Christ's sake!...are not afraid to ignore race when we select a leader.
I hope we can wake up tomorrow to a new world.
I hope Ralph wakes up tomorrow with some miraculous epiphany blazed upon his mind.
I hope we can stand tall tomorrow.
I hope.
God, how I hope.