It's All Sarah, All The Time! Sarah is EVERYWHERE! You can't escape her - The Great White Hope from the Great White North has become the Britney Spears of politics. It's like a 24-hour car chase channel: you just can't turn away. You know it can't last forever, and it can't end well, but you just have to watch.
But, Sarah, listen: too much exposure is not a good thing. Ask Britney. She was riding high, too, once upon a time. Here - maybe I can offer a few words of advice, delivered with the best of intentions:
Number 1: Overexposure is career-killing. The trifecta of Larry King, Matt Lauer and Greta Van Susteren, all in one 24-hour period, is probably more than any one person should reasonably be expected to withstand. In fact, Larry King alone within any one lifetime is more than any one person should reasonably be expected to withstand. Don't push it.
Number 2: TMZ is not your friend. Greta Van Susteren is your friend; TMZ is not your friend.
Number 3: Always use a car seat. Look, you might have been able to get away with the whole flying-halfway-across-the-continent-with-a-high-risk-baby-while-you're-eight-months-pregnant thing before you became a Big Media Phenomenon, but now you're gonna be watched. Next time you take Trig elk hunting, give him earplugs, 'kay?
Number 3a: Get a nanny. Americans are curiously unnerved by the sight of a seven-year-old in stilettos carrying a toddler around in a working kitchen. Alternatively, get the kid some flats.
Number 4: No more casting out of demons when video cameras are present.
Number 5: Keep Bristol on a shorter leash. If she ends up on the pole, how she got there won't matter: it'll be all your fault regardless. And, while you're at it, stay off the pole yourself. Rich Lowry might be disappointed, but he'll get over it.
Number 6: No matter how tempting, avoid appearing in any feature film with any American Idol finalist.
Number 6a: No matter how tempting, Just Say No To Reality TV. Reality TV screams, "I USED TO BE FAMOUS!!" It also screams, "I DON'T RUN A METH LAB, BUT I KNOW WHERE TO FIND ONE!!"
Number 7: Always, ALWAYS wear panties. We'll all be better off. You never know who's gonna be there curbside when you step off that snow machine.
Number 8: Whenever the opportunity to keep your mouth shut presents itself, take it.
Number 8a: Wink. Rich Lowry will sit up straighter.
Number 9: Wear an apron when cooking moose chili. Well, not just an apron. Over a dress. A sundress would be good. An apron over an Armani suit doesn't work. And ix-nay on the Immy-Choos-Jay, m'kay? Especially for the kid (see Number 3a above.)
Number 9a: What works for porn movies and quickie hotel meetups with campaign staff might not work out in the real world. Just a thought.
Number 10: Have someone put some magazines and books in front of you and then read them. Then, keep track of which ones you've read and which ones you've banned.
Number 10a: In that same vein, decline any interview requests from anyone whose coffee table has a copy of The New Yorker or Vanity Fair magazine on it. TV Guide, The New American or Guns & Ammo are probably OK. If you see the National Enquirer, you might want to think twice.
Number 11: That video you made of you and Todd in front of the fire on the polar-bearskin? Yeah, you might want to make that disappear. Besides, given that it was shot in Juneau when you were supposed to be in Wasilla, it might make it harder for you to collect that per diem you put in for.
Or, you could just sell it to Rich Lowry.