The court of King Droogie VI VI V V III II I is now in session. I have more decrees for thee, my loyal subjects.
In yon comments section, feel free to list out any grievances thou havest -- the pettier the better.
To read the original decrees, click here.
When I am king, reporters who write articles calling people's paranoia about Barack Obama being the antichrist "legitmate," said reporters will be rotisserie-roasted over a stack of burning hymnals and basted thoroughly to preserve their rich, tasty flavors.
When I am king, Chuck Norris will be assigned to shine the shoes of Rep. Rahm Emanuel, future chief of staff to President Obama -- because we all know who the tougher person is.
When I am king, Terry McAuliffe will carry my silver piss bucket.
When I am king, any industries in my empire who demand some manner of "royal bailout" decree must first prove that they have provided a living wage to each and every serf in their employ before their pleas will be heard by the king.
When I am king, I will fund with much coin the alchemists of the realm, commissioning them to invent a new, more efficient horseless carriage that will be fueled by spring water and will emit by exhaust naught but the finest single malt whiskeys.
When I am king, the First Family will adopt an alpaca named Peepopo the Obama Llama.
When I am king, the musician known as Prince will be placed in the stocks for a fortnight for coming out against gay marriage. I mean, what wast thou thinking, Prince? The king has forgiven people for thinking ... well... You get what the king is saying. Not that the king is judging Prince.
When I am king, Sarah Palin will have her own show on Fox News, opposite Sean Hannity. Alan Colmes, formerly the co-host of said show, will attempt to serve as her interpreter.
When I am king, Nate Silver will be the royal statistical prognosticator -- offering me up-to-the-minute algorithms on what I should have for lunch, what clothes I should wear, and what my approval rating is with the Queen.
When I am king, Newt Gingrich and Joe Lieberman will fight to the death at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. The winner will go on to fight the entire Ultimate Fighting League in the same arena one week afterward. Also, the Ultimate Fighters will all have nunchucks.
When I am king, I will extend the borders of Rhode Island into neighboring states, making Delaware the smallest state in the Union. The king figures the home state of Joe Biden deserves something to set itself apart from other states. I mean, what else have they got?
When I am king, I will order much treasure invested in our space program, with the goal of colonizing the moon. As happened here in America year ago, we will send the religious fundamentalists there as early colonists. When the last one arrives, I will remove all funding and announce an end to the program.
When I am king, in time for the 2012 elections, I will put the brain of Mike Huckabee into the body of Mitt Romney. HuckaMitt Rombee will sweep the Iowa Caucuses, only to be defeated in New Hampshire by a more successful Republican hybrid: RonRoss Paulrot.
And, when I am king, the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints will bike from Utah to San Francisco, California, literally kissing the asses of every gay man or woman they meet before turning back around and biking back home.
When I am king, the bell around Peepopo's neck will be called the Obama Llama Ding Dong.
When I am queen, pantyhose will be banned, as they are an evil invention of men. Queen Browneyes also wanted to abolish thongs, but was vetoed by the king. Because the king hates visible panty line, that's why.
So let it be written. So let it be done. Verily, for I am king.