From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Five Laps Around the Crazy Track
Five years ago today, on December 10, 2003, I wrote a diary that, if memory serves, was the least-popular one ever posted at Daily Kos to that point. The first edition of Cheers and Jeers attracted two comments. (Thank you, Bob Johnson and nevsky42---for Christmas I bought both of you a U.S. automaker. UPDATE: I just got a sweet deal on a senator so I'm tossing that in, too.)
Leaping at the chance to prove I could suck twice in a row, I wrote another one the next day. And the next. And the next. In my first ten columns I bagged a whopping 39 comments. C&J had landed with all the impact of a fresh dog turd in winter---it just kinda sat there and let off a little steam.
What a difference 1,825 days makes. Today there are more bells and whistles in C&J---now on the front page and attracting a few more comments---but it still operates on the same principle: mock the powerful, praise the praiseworthy, and demonstrate as often as possible that politics and fart jokes are not mutually exclusive (they do, after all, come from the same source).
Last year when I lost my regular job, you spontaneously put me on your collective---and full-time---payroll, a vote of confidence for which I'm grateful. In September you put a nice downpayment on another year, and I think the 5th anniversary of C&J is an appropriate time to finish it up so I can leave you alone for the next ten months. There's a PayPal account set up for either one-time or recurring monthly donations:
If it's easier for you to send a check via snail mail, the address is: Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
Specifics on the amount raised so far are below the fold, but my goal is to raise an additional $10k. That'll keep the snark coming through October, and allow me to continue paying $5 a month for health insurance through Blue Tourniquet/Blue Hacksaw. In the coming days I'll provide updates here.
Today's C&J is an exclusive repost of our first column, complete with director's commentary. It's a little reminder of how much road we've covered in five years and a valuable lesson in how, with persistence and hard work, obscure drivel can become popular drivel. Thank you for joining me on the ride to wherever the hell we're going. (But if you don’t stop singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" I'm gonna strap ya to the roof with Mitt Romney's dog.)
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Note: Since you are my full-time employers, transparency is important, so here's the poop. Recurring contributions to C&J add up to approximately $1,500 per month. One-time donations from September were approximately $4,500. So the additional $10k will bring my total salary to $32,500. This is about $10k less than last year, but we understand that times are tight. We've got the belt-tightening thing down to a science ourselves (being a clothing-optional household saves a lot, and bartering a kidney in exchange for a year's supply of mac & cheese helps) so it works. Contributions confer on you the title of "Boss," and the right to tell me when I suck. Many thanks.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Hanukkah & Yule/Festivus/Christmas/Kwanzaa: 11/13/15/16
Days `til the Armadillo Christmas Bazaar in Austin: 2
Decline in profits for Starbucks in the most recent quarter: 97%
(Source: The New York Times via The Week)
Length of time during which Lancaster, PA was the capital of the American colonies: 24 hours on Sept. 27, 1777.
(Source: Spedwybabs)
Approximate number of times we've cheered and jeered in C&J since 12/10/03: 9,000
Date on which we coined the phrase "Supercalischadenfreudalistic": 3/26/08
Number of people who have emailed to complain that BiPM altered their quote to make it sound funny for a C&J "Shameless Testimonial" and to please stop it: 1
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 157 (including 3 "Moral Standards" and 1 Rapturrrrific bargain bin). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "You really should get that bicuspid looked at..."
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Here's the first-ever C&J from December 10, 2003, with exclusive DVD commentary in parentheses. Please handle it carefully---the parchment is brittle:
Dispatch from THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
(Dispatch? Dispatch??? What is this, World War One? Was I sending a telegram to President Wilson? I quickly dispensed with dispatch. I also don’t capitalize "the" anymore. Very important change there. Note also the lack of our trademark [Swoosh!!] and [Gong!!]. That would appear later as our dig at the philosophy over at Fox News that if you can't get your facts right, at least you can create the impression you're a legitimate news organization with really loud music and sound effects. I believe they currently have a minimum requirement of at least ten window-shattering "Gongs" per hour.)
Cheer's and Jeers (with apologies...but not really...to TV Guide)
(Okay, if you look carefully you'll see C&J's first punctuation error, which I noticed for the first time yesterday. How nice to know, after all this time, that I couldn’t make it through two sentences without fucking up.)
CHEERS to Howard Dean for his extraordinary Gore Score. The early endorsement is cherry on top of the whipped cream (union endorsements) on top of the ice cream (grassroots) on top of the cake (Dean). Extra points for upstaging Bush's Medicare sideshow during Monday/Tuesday press cycles.
(I first linked to Daily Kos from Dean's blog. In many ways Howard's the reason I'm here. This was Dean's high-water mark as a candidate. I had to be peeled off the ceiling I was so ecstatic.)
JEERS to the Medicare bill. Democrats asleep at the wheel while Nero (Bush) fiddles. This turkey's as fake as the one in Baghdad mess hall.
(Remember the turkey? That was too funny. The Medicare bill? Not so much. The chief actuary had been threatened with "extremely severe" consequences by the Bush administration if he revealed the plan's true cost to Congress. The plan was so bad that today Montel Williams has to drive a giant bus around America throwing fistfuls of drugs at people. Is this a great country or what?)
CHEERS to John Edwards. Doogie Howser is coming into his own as thoughtful VP possibility. Newsweek column on jury system shows real compassion, pragmatism.
(Um...erm... Okay, file this item under "What a difference five years makes." In future postings, this item will be digitally removed by Industrial Light & Magic.)
CHEERS to Mother Nature. If you're going to live in northern New England in winter, you might as well have lots of snow, and boy did we get it. Bonus: White Xmas is in the bag.
JEERS to people who write Xmas.
(I have since learned that "Xmas" drives Bill O'Reilly nuts. I rescind the jeer.)
JEERS to Joe Lieberman. Credible rumor now pegs his camp as source of Monday's Dean/Gore leak. Were sour grapes pouting all an act?
(Yes. Lieberman was---[yawn]---"shocked, shocked." I still chuckle when I recall that he boasted of being "in a three-way tie for third place" in the New Hampshire primary. In other words: fifth. It's a comforting reminder that, for all his skullduggery, he loses as often as he wins.)
JEERS to Alfred E. Koppel. Gives candidates not named Dean chance to blast Guv at point blank range in NH debate. All those who think he acted like a total dumbass, raise your hand.
CHEERS to Dennis Kucinich for Ted Koppel slapdown. No wonder the broads are coming out of the woodwork for this Ohio hottie (but can they go vegan?)
CHEERS to Carol Moseley Braun, for opting out of the Dean bloodbath at debate. Classy broad, don'tcha know.
(Okay. In future postings of this C&J, "broad" will be digitally enhanced by Industrial Light & Magic to read "chick." As for the debate, you might recall that Koppel asked the candidates to "raise your hand if you believe that Governor Dean can beat George W. Bush." Kucinich didn’t play the game, saying, "Let me say, Ted, let me say, that some of the best talent in American politics is on this stage right now. And with all due respect to you, Ted Koppel, who I've admired over the years greatly, to begin this kind of a forum with a question about an endorsement, no matter by who, I think actually trivializes the issues that are before us." (Cheers and applause.) But I'll say this: at least Koppel didn’t ask any questions about flag pins.)
JEERS to Dick "Elmer Fudd" Cheney. Slaughters 70 pre-caught game birds on "hunting" expedition. As if we needed more proof that his heart was removed long ago...
(Yesterday I read in our local paper that the practice of "canned hunting" might be outlawed. Needless to say, if that happens Dick Cheney will likely never set foot in our state again. Somehow we'll muddle through.)
CHEERS to Supremes for upholding parts of McCain/Feingold bill. Sure it's a Band-Aid, but at least now it's got some real stick to it.
CHEERS and a fond farewell to Senator Paul Simon. Some of the current occupants of The Chamber could take a lesson or two from him...but they're too dumb. Memo to Smithsonian: snag one of those bow ties!
(I liked him)
JEERS to George W. Bush's "spontaneous" appearance during Larry King Live show. Walk-on during end of Laura interview reveals hopelessly inarticulate boob. No Red Ryder BB gun for you, pal, until you learn how to say "Merry Christmas" without gritting your teeth.
(Actual exchange: KING: "Your lady has done a wonderful job in this house." G. W. BUSH: "She has. She's doin' a heckuva good job." And he said it right in front of her? What a dis!)
CHEERS to Al Gore for showing true cojones in Dean nod. Veep understands that the only way to break out of Democratic party complacency is to shake, shake, SHAKE things up. Beltway bluster proves he's right on.
(Dean faded and Gore went back into obscurity for awhile. But what's the old saying: he who laughs last...)
CHEERS to the Maine lobster industry. Another banner year is good year for butter industry. And bib makers!
(Today it's not only plentiful, it's also cheap cheap cheap. Go ahead and indulge---'tis the season for Sandy Claws.)
Developing...
(I added that word at the end as a little dig at Drudge. I stopped using it because typing it made me nauseous.)
C&J returns to its regular format tomorrow. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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C&J's Favorite Testimonial of All-time:
So much has happened since you and I first 'met.' Most of it hasn't been good. And I'm not sure the future looks any brighter. But one thing that has been good has been to know that there are so many others out there who hate what's happening and who - however hopeless it sometimes seems - want to do something about it.
YOU are one who - when I've been mired in despair, something I don't admit to on-line, has kept me sane with your humor (even though it is sometimes gallows humor, or, perhaps, because it IS gallows humor). You've lessened the blow for so many of us, every damn day.
---Meteor Blades, 2004
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