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This diary is graphic and contains profanity and modified profanity and refers to testicles. If that bothers you, please do not read.

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Down in the bowels of Fox News lurks Ambush Central, the sacred room where the real decisions are made. Here the Fox News brain-trusts gather for their regular 5:30 am meeting. Seated at a large oval table are Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Fred Barnes, Brit Hume, Mort Kondracke, Mara Liasson, Bill O’Reilly, Alisyn Camerota, Sean Hannity,  Alan Colmes,  Juan Williams,  James P. Pinkerton, Neil Cavuto, Liz Trotta.  At the head of the table sits Roger Ailes.  Floating above the group, unnoticed, is the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Ailes: Everyone here? Okay, we’ll begin in just a ....

Hume: What happened to the lights?

Cavuto: Check the circuit breakers.

O’Reilly: It’s not the circuit breaker, Cavity. It’s Murdoch.

Barnes: Murdoch?

O’Reilly: Yeh. You know what those f***in’ Liberals call him?

Barnes: What?

Hannity: The Black Hole

O’Reilly: Right-O, Seanie.

Barnes: The Black Hole? Why?

O’Reilly: Because ..... (O’Reilly and Hannity exchange glances)

O’Reilly and Hannity in unison: He can suck all light out of the universe.

Colmes: Oh, my god I can’t see anything.

O’Reilly: F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Who woke up Alan? ..... Hannity? Jesus, I told you....  

Hannity: Hell no! It wasn’t me. --- You know what I believe, "Let sleeping duds lie." Ha-ha-ha. Half the time I think the moron is sleeping during the show. Crap, for the first season I thought the guy was in a coma. --- Maybe he just regained consciousness.

O’Reilly: Never mind, he’s out again.

Ailes: Someone hit the emergency lighting. ..... Mr. Murdoch, good to see you. I hope you’ve been well.

Murdoch (Alias, The Black Hole): Well? Hell no! I payed each of you a hell of a lot of money to compromise your journalistic integrity, and I expected to get my money’s worth. So, tell me what the hell you’ve been doing. Explain to me why Obama won. He should have lost this race. Now we've got to go after him after he has been inaugurated. You better succeed this time. I don’t care how you do it, but I want that man buried - now! Get the job done or you hacks will be looking for a new job and a new set of testicles, and that includes you Gretchen, and for the rest of you, ovaries. Is that completely clear!? What a bunch of f**kin’ idiots!!!

Ghost of Christmas Past (Still flaoting above the group): God! What a bunch of assholes. This is gonna be impossible. How can I reform these jerks. They've got to have a conscience first.

Ailes: Yes sir. We’ll get right on it.  

Murdoch: On it! On it hell! Get it done.

Ailes: Yes sir.

Hume: The lights are back on.

O’Reilly: No sh*t Brit.... Rup’s gone. God I love that man. (sigh)

Colmes: Uh .... Uh .....What the ..... I can't see! I can't see!

Hannity: Crap Alan! Open your eyelids.  (sigh)

Colmes: (startled) What? What? What happened? Oh I get it.... They're manual.

Hannity: It’s okay Alan. It’s okay. It’s okay. Close your eyes. That's it, good boy. Rock-a-baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the liberal will drop .... When the bow breaks, the liberal will fall and down will come Obama, freedoms and all ....(hums)

Ailes: Holy crap boys, we’ve got to protect our phony-baloney jobs. ---- Give me  a harumph.

Everyone: Harumph. Harumph. Harumph.

Ailes: I didn’t get an harumph out of that guy.

Hannity: It’s Colmes, Mr. Ailes.

Ailes: Is he out again?

Hannity: Alan wake up, wake up. Give Ailes an harumph.

Colmes: Harumphphphph. Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Hannity: Well, he’s out again.

Ailes: Listen guys. They don’t call this the Ambush Room for nothing. It’s simple. Every time Obama or one of his supporters says something in public, we need to jump on it. If he talks about ending the war, Obama supports terrorism. If he talks about bringing the troops home, he wants to get rid of the military. If he supports reproductive rights, he wants to kill babies. If he talks about raising taxes on the wealthy - us -, he’s waging class warfare and wants to kill the rich and ruin the economy. If he says that he drinks milk, he’s trying to spread the cow disease. If he eats a hamburger, he’s a carnivore.

Trotta: Sire, anyone who eats meat is a carnivore. You’re a carnivore.

Ailes: Shut the f**k up Lizard.

Ailes: If he takes an aspirin, he’s a drug addict. If he gives anyone an aspirin, he’s a drug dealer. Look you guys, just twist the facts and distort what they say, take it out of context. Hell, we've been doing this since Lee Atwater showed us how. If Obama or one of his supporters knows anybody who knows anybody who talked to someone who heard that someone knew a person of interest, I want you to say that there is direct connection to criminal activity or unethical behavior. Get on this Peter Baloneyovich thing. Make the connections.

Hannity: That's Peter Bogdanovich, sire.

Ailes: Shut the f**k up Hannity. And the rest of you keep in mind that we don’t have to be right nor accurate; we just have to keep saying it. You’d better find a way to make it work against Obama, or you’ll be seeing The Black Hole. When he’s done with you, all that will be left is your carcass.  

Ghost of Christmas Past: Hell, I’m outa here. This is even too spooky sickening for me. It's hopeless.

Colmes: What? What? Did I miss something? Oh, by the way I would like to discuss something.

Everyone: NO! Go to sleep Alan!

Colmes: Okaaaaaay. (snoring)

Ailes: Okay everybody, its time to put our hands on the head Murdoch’s bust and bow our heads for a moment of silent prayer. You may pray to or worship him in your own way. (a minute later) Everybody done? Okay, let’s put our hands together. Now, what’s our motto?

Everyone: It’s the far right and no rights for all.  

Ailes: What’s our motto?

Everyone: It’s the far right and no rights for all.

Ailes: What’s our motto?

Everyone: It’s the far right and no rights for all.

Ailes: Readyyy break. Let’s do it! Brit, you’re up first. Go gettum. (They all rapidly shuffle out of the room. Brit heads to the News room.)

Colmes: Yawning and stretching. Where did everybody go? Hannity? Hannity?
(Colmes returns to his cubicle and begins rummaging through his drawers. He reaches to the back of the bottom drawer and grasps something - a look of surprise covers his face followed by a small smile.)

(Somewhere in the dark recesses of the Fox News castle.)

Announcer: This is the Special Report with Brit Hume

Brit Hume: We at Fox News are saddened to announce that Alan Colmes has decided to leave Fox News. We'll let Alan tell you in his own words. Alan?

Colmes: I will miss the people at Fox News, they paid me a lot of money to be a whipping post for every pin-headed right-wing moron who had a larynx and a bad idea. Why did I leave? Well, I was searching through my desk looking for something that I had lost. I wasn't sure what it was. I just felt that something was missing. Then I reached way in the back of a bottom drawer. And there it was. My god, I had not seen it, really them, since I got to Fox. Once I had them firmly in my hands, I knew that I could no longer work at Fox News. What were they? My testicles. Now I am forced to leave Fox. As Ailes said in my job interview, "If you have testicles you either give them up or you don't work at Fox." I'm outta here. By the way, Brit, thanks for the basket of cashews.

Brit Hume: (Looking down at his crotch.) Well, Alan it doesn't bother me. I wasn't using mine anyway. Besides I get to forgo the bend over and cough part of the physical. Ha. Ha. Ha. Thank you Alan. Now grab your nuts and get out of here.

(Somewhere in the top suite of Murdoch's high-rise. Murdoch is dusting and straightening dozens of snow globes. There is the space where Colmes snow globe used to be. Murdoch shakes each, puts them back on the shelf. The snow begins to fall in each. As the "snow" settles to the bottom, two shriveled prune like objects appear in each globe.)  

Murdoch: (Quietly to himself)  "Who stole Alan's nuts? Who grabbed Alan's nuts? -- And why would anyone grab Colmes nuts?"

The mystery of who stole Colmes testicles and put them in his bottom drawer haunts Murdoch. Is there a Murdoch mole?

Originally posted to professorfate on Sat Dec 13, 2008 at 02:38 PM PST.

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