I don't know about the rest of you, but every time the holidays come around I fear to go into any public place. It's not the materialism or the pseudoreligious meaning, it's the carols.
Holiday carols were probably once nice, enjoyable, spirit lifting melodies, but played over a loudspeaker 24/7 on repeat they get a little stale.
I've developed a method that helps me survive the holidays without beating my brains out. I mentally replace the lyrics of the songs with ones of my own. It makes every song fresh and sometimes even funny. Below the fold are some of my favorite replacements.
Sorry about the lack of any non-Christmas songs, I simply don't hear them often enough to make decent parodies.
For "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," Blago the Corrupt Governor:
There were
Stevens,
Gonzales
and wide stance Larry Craig,
Scooter Libby,
Tom Delay
and what Rumsfeld said
but don't you recall
the most corrupt politician of all...
Blago the smooth haired bastard
had a very sleazy past
but the voters of Illinois
liked him better than the last
All of the other Governors
used to make people "pay to play"
but selling a senate seat
signals a brand new day
Then one glorious election day
Obama came to say
"Because the country I have to lead
please don't sell my senate seat"
Federal attorney Fitzgerald
he called him out with glee:
"Blago you corrupt asshole
you'll go down in history"
For "Jingle Bells," Your Betcha:
Flying through the air
In a ‘copter, with a gun
Over the fields we go
Shooting one by one
Bang bang bang
Bloody wolves fall dying
Their populations fall
What fun it is to shoot and kill
I hope we’ll get them all
You betcha You betcha
Wink Wink all the way
With all my small town values
I’ll be president some day
For "Let it Snow" I haven't replaced any lyrics because in a few years snow will just be a fond memory in some places so these are some lyrics that it would be nice to remember:
Oh the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
It doesn't show signs of stopping
And I've bought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
When we finally kiss goodnight
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
But if you'll really hold me tight
All the way home I'll be warm
The fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, we're still goodbying
But as long as you love me so
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
For "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas," I'm Dreaming of a Blue Senate
I'm dreaming of a blue Senate
Just like the ones we used to know
Where Democrats vote and the GOP is smote
and approval isn't so low
I'm dreaming of a blue Senate
Just like the ones we used to know
Where Democrats vote and the GOP is smote
and approval isn't so low
I'm dreaming of a blue Senate
With every Franken vote they count
this is a brand new hope we've found
And just how great does Dems winning sound?
I'm dreaming of a blue Senate
With every Franken vote they count
this is a brand new hope we've found
And just how great does Dems winning sound?
May sixty seats be deep blue
May this new term really be new
I have hope for Obama's new term (repeat until end)
(I know we can't actually get 60 but it fits better in the song than 59.)
For "Joy to the World," how about, Joy to the World:
Joy to the World , Obama's won!
America has hope
Dubya's done let everyone
Reject that worthless dope
And accept the change and hope
America, America, and elsewhere too.
Joy to the World, Progressives reign!
Let men become employed
The next four years won't be mundane
Dems know Government’s not a toy,
So shout out with gleeful joy,
Grin ear to ear like a little boy.
No more let corporations grow,
and drive workers to the ground;
Because Obama seems to know
that there's hope to be found,
that there's hope to be found,
The word change, change has a happy sound.
He'll rule with common sense and thought
And makes the nation prove
We're not as Bush and Cheney thought
Americans have love,
Americans have love,
We'll show the world that we can love
Many of you are doubtless more creative than I am and you can probably come up with something better. If you do, post it in the comments and I'll update the diary. Happy holidays everyone.