We have never had the easiest relationship mom and dad but i always knew you loved me. Unfortunately i was not the "normal kid" that most are. Later in my 20's diagnosed with major depression, but im sure it did not help as you tried to understand me as a child let alone adult. I blamed you for many things, mostly because i did not know who to blame for my feelings.
I remember when as a young girl dad asking me into the hall to measure my inseam and i was so confused, but on my birthday (or was it christmas) you gave me a hand made pair of jodphurs for riding. I was thrilled. I believe it was the same year i asked for Grey's Anatomy for my christmas present and you came through then too. Read it cover to cover.
I don't remember myself but do remember the stories of how i was born without hip sockets. You and dad were in Austria and took me to an orthopedic surgeon there but had been assigned back to canada. Well that worked out well, i was put in a spread eagled body/leg cast to see if the sockets would grow in but the surgeon had developed a specific treatment for kids like me with another who was at Sick Childrens in Toronto. So when we got there they pinned a piece of my pelvis in place of the still missing hip and back to casts. I remember how you took me home for christmas on a stretcher put over the back and front seats. and took me into a restaurant that way too given the spread eagle cast You forced me to walk and walk, carry my own sled up the hills, and take the stairs when there were elevators. I hated you for that but today no one would imagine i had any of the problems i was born with. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My major depression manifested a long long time ago but was only diagnosed 10-15 years ago. I felt so guilty because i could not be the daughter you wanted. I had no way to find the confidence or drive that would make me the "contributing member of society" or normal. I tried many things and failed.
yet you were always there for me. Maybe at times i did not understand it and at times you did not understand me. Bottom line is that i knew you always loved me and i always loved you. That was the hard part because i knew i cuold not make you proud. Not in the way David did, his job and wonderful wife and kids. You are spending part of your small and hard earned pension to pay for my cabin now that i cannot. You had difficulty in understanding the disease of depression but you have accepted it and accepted that i cannot necessarily do or react in ways that others do. That is a great gift to me. For years and years i was embarrassed about it, felt perhaps you thought i was lazy or just needed to pull up my bootstraps. Now i know that it was just very difficult for any parent who grew up in an age where psychological illness either meant crazy or was embarrassing to accept that depression was more than a phase but rather a chronic illness/way of life.
I am so proud of you for understanding that. Remembering the times i was afraid to call, or we would fight because i got emotional over things, and now..you are there for me.
Knowing I was beholden to you financially, at times the guilt was overwhelming but you did your best to ensure that i did not feel that way. A month ago, you called me out of the blue..lol i didnt want to call you back and because you asked if i or kay call you, i asked kay to. Little did i know that the news was "we have bought you a car". Given that i had been driving jezebel, a 20 year old van that lost it brakes twice and was losing its tie rod ends.. and kept trying to kill me.. wow. I know you don't have the money to do that, which makes it even more special. Without a reliable car i could not live in my little cabin in the woods with my kitties. The things that give me peace in my turmoiled mind. The car said so much more than just a car. It gave me hope i had a home to stay in, independence and ... and your love.
Kay..my best friend, my partner and the one whom my world turns around. I introduced her to you 8 years ago. The wonderful thing is i did not worry about you accepting my sweet and special male to female preop transexual as part of my life. You have always treated her with respect and even love. That is so much more than most parents give their children.
Dad and Mom, i don't know the words to express my feelings. I love you dearly, i respect you immensely, and i wish i could be the child you wanted.. You are both my inspiration