Yesterday, we took a look at several "Chick Tracts" -- the lunatic ramblings of one Jack T. Chick, in the form of small comic books.
In Part I, we saw a kid going on a murdering rampage after learning that Santa wasn't real, God trashing America's heartland with tornadoes because of a Middle East peace plan with Israel, a group of nine-year-olds threatening to sacrifice a kitty to Satan, the evils of Dungeons & Dragons, and the Truth about dinosaurs.
The fun continues in Part II of our multi-part series... below the fold.
THE GAY BLADE
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If one thing was lacking in yesterday's edition, it was the fact that gays got off kind of light. After all, as Jack T. Chick will quickly point out, gayness is the only sin for which God destroyed an entire city. No, Hagee, I'm not talking about New Orleans.
We join Jack T. Chick in a world where Prop 8 failed and evil rules all.
Oh, man. Gay people getting married. What could be worse than that? Well, Jack T. Chick is going to tell you -- it goes much further into the very basis of our society.
Homosexuals on TELEVISION! Homosexuals in CLUBS! Even in CHURCHES and SCHOOLS!
And worst of all... they want EQUAL RIGHTS!
What else, Jack T. Chick?
My God... they're not even trying to hide their identities! Have you ever heard of such unspeakable evil?
As for the discrepancy between 2% and 10%, I think the average comes down quite a bit from 10% when you factor in that Iran has 0% homosexuals.
But how do we KNOW that homosexuals are "teh evil"?
Everyone knows that the gays are a bunch of sex-crazed angel-rapers.
Luckily for everyone involved, Lot was a very virtuous man, saying, "Please, rape my two virgin daughters instead!" Gay people will never be able to understand such virtue.
Neither will I, actually.
HOLOCAUST
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You might not know from the title of this Chick Tract, but Holocaust is just one big comic strip Godwin treatment of Catholicism. Actually, it's kind of worse than a Godwin, because it doesn't just compare Catholicism to Nazism in some kind of poorly thought-out metaphor. It actually says that Catholicism and Nazism are the same thing.
That evil Adolf Hitler was just doing the Catholic Church's bidding, of course!
But come on, Jack T. Chick! How can you possibly denounce Catholicism without mentioning priests and pedophilia?
Oh, there it is!
Okay, so now we've said that the Catholic Church was behind Hitler and the Nazis, and we've brought up the priests with little boys. But is there any chance that we could maybe get a little dig in at illegal immigration?
Awesome!
The only way this tract could get any better would be if a Jew was converted to Christianity at the end.
And they all lived happily ever after, waiting for the apocalypse.
THE SKY LIGHTER
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Whenever someone says bad things about Catholics, Bill Donohue and some of his supporters become very angry and claim that nobody would show such contempt for Islam. Well, Jack T. Chick will! He's afraid of nobody. He's not afraid to show Islam for what it truly is -- the terrible, secret truth that you have never heard before because the "media" doesn't want you to know!
As newborns, Muslim children are fated to become terrorists.
They spend their whole childhoods preparing to kill the infidel.
Now, you might have never heard of this before because of all of the people who are afraid to criticize Islam, but Muslims believe all sorts of crazy things about heaven. Christians, of course, do not do this
If only someone could make Muslims believe the One True Religion™. But those murderous Muslims would never allow that, as you can see here:
But there is a happy ending to be had:
Abdulla blows himself up with a suicide bomb and goes to hell. The End.
THAT CRAZY GUY
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I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Kitty sacrifices, devil-worshiping sitcoms, gay pride parades, Catholic Nazis, Muslim terrorists, natural disasters, and evil evolutionists with their crazy theories about dinosaurs... but where's the sex, KE? Where is the sex?"
Well, hold your horses. I was getting around to it. In "That Crazy Guy", young Suzie is informed by a Burt Reynolds wanna-be in a cowboy hat that he plans to have some of the sex with her. Naturally, she is overjoyed. But she needs some advice, and she gets it:
So Suzie fucks Burt Reynolds in the backseat of his car. Vanity license plate alert: "LOVER". This is why the plate was unavailable when I applied.
Along with Suzie, we all jump for joy when we discover that this is not an abortion Chick Tract:
Oh no... Burt Reynolds gave Suzie the clap! I think it's time for more wise advice from whoever that lady was Suzie spoke with earlier... the subtly-named Ms. Damien.
Good thinking, Ms. Damien. Kick her out of your house before she goes rubbing her genitals on you and giving you gonorrhea!
Maybe Suzie should be getting her medical advice from a doctor, anyway. But instead, she decided to go to this guy:
"Of course," thought Suzie, "I should have made Burt Reynolds use a condom instead of a latex glove."
Too late for Suzie, but the "doctor" fills her in on the evils of sex, then converts her to Christianity.
Hurray!
THE SECRET
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This Chick Tract is very mysterious. What could the secret be? Let's find out together!
I'm going to fill you in on the secret. Roy's wife? She didn't really fall down.
But really, it's not Roy's fault that he beats the shit out of his wife.
No, it's Adam and Eve's fault!
But a jailhouse preacher magically changes Roy! He's not a wife-beater anymore.
I bet his wife and son will be thrilled to see him! Let's watch!
One week in jail for beating your wife, huh? Good thing he wasn't doing something TRULY HORRIBLE, like smoking weed or something.
And they all lived happily ever after, until 28 years later, when Roy dies of a heart attack. I bet his wife will spit and dance on his grave. Let's find out!
Yes... the perfect husband. Of course.
WAR ZONE
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War Zone is the kind of Chick Tract that is so meta, it will completely blow your mind. It all begins in a public school, which we all know are horrific war zones because teachers talk about horrible things like "evolution" and do not have forced Bible readings.
Bullies run rampant and everyone is terrified. But there are some students who are virtuous. We know this, because they read Chick Tracts.
If you look very closely, you can see the tract called "War Zone". THIS tract! But how can this be? It's like the very fabric of space and time have been ripped open!
Of course, when the bully learns about the Chick Tracts, he absolutely MUST have them for his own!
No, no, Moose. Your picture is on a different page.
Behold, the power of Chick Tracts!