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I've been struggling for a few years now with health issues, it's been ever since I had my daughter in 2003 but I was always a frail girl, lots of allergies as a child, always hated to run, just wasn't tip top.  Damn, if I had been born just a couple of hundreds of years ago, I highly doubt I would have made it out of childhood, but alas, I did.

My struggle with myself is the idea that this thing I'm dealing with may just be all in my head.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia but I can't help but think that it might just be some figment of my imagination.  Maybe it's not as bad as it seems, maybe I've just wallowed a bit too long.

I tend to go up and down in these very predictable cycles.  I will become lazy, that's how I feel, and rest more, give myself more sleep etc. and start to feel better then I tackle the world.

This week I was without the usual assistance I'm used to having (Ugh, it was hard to ask for it because I've already had snide comments or rumors that someone is taking over my job or doing far too much of my work) and have been working gungho!  First time in a while where I did it all on my own and I've been running around the office like a crazy person.  But it felt good to get so much done!

Well, it hit me tonight that maybe it's not all in my head.  I mean, as people pray to keep their jobs, I pray to lose mine, hoping that I might get laid off so I can at least collect unemployment.

Sad.

Me against me, because I then get quite frustrated with myself, that I'm somehow giving up.

I went to our local DFA meeting last night.  It was just fabulous to get out and see people I've met over the last couple of years.  It really meant a lot to have a chance to talk politics with people face to face and to really feel part of a community.  But I talked too much and got home too late and still had to get up at six thirty am and get to work.

What was I thinking?

This is my frustration, I just feel as if I am fighting myself constantly.  It's in your head, no it's not and then of course my body makes a ruling of it's own.  

Right now my hands ache, my legs, I have a bit of a headache that radiates around my face.  My chest hurts on and off and I'm fatigued to the point where I could have gone to bed hours ago, 7pm, 6pm, I've done it before.

And so this fight keeps raging and I keep wondering if someone else could just make this choice for me.  Fire me!  Something.

I'm in the boat others are with debt, mortgages etc, but I know if I were to get laid off we would manage.  We would get rid of a car, defer our student loans (or forbearance, right?) and we would attempt to modify our mortgage but I feel awful because there are people who are doing this against their will.

There are millions losing their homes without a choice.  There are millions losing their jobs without their choice and I have sat down at work and wished for a nice fat, well, a joke of a severance and unemployment so I wouldn't have to admit defeat and apply for disability.  I'm not disabled!

Me against me.

So here I sit, aching all over and not being able to think about anything but this.  It's consumed my life really, all the projects I've wanted to work on just float in the back of my mind, something to distract from the real thing that's churning those brain seas.  What to do.

I've put off going to school for years, I've put off a lot of things and at times I wonder if this is my body's way of making the choice for me.  You will stop working and you will take care of yourself.

Who knows.  I don't trust myself most of the times and I do worry that somewhere inside of me I'm just a lazy fat lady who wants an excuse to fail, a reason to wrap my self pity around.  

So, there it is, that's my missive tonight that really is a personal rant and something that probably should stay in draft mode, but being the self abusive person  I am, I share those things that others may not.  I hope that if I can have one person get it, or one person feels they aren't the only one, well then the little bit of embarrassment is worth it.

Hey, it's who I am.  Someone I like and admire much said I was "raw".  I guess I've been fighting that for a long time, that can be tiring too, fighting yourself, trying to be something you just aren't.  Me against me.

Originally posted to Ellinorianne on Thu Dec 04, 2008 at 08:40 PM PST.

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