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You know what, the Obama Campaign is a cult. You found us out. I don't know how the secret was revealed, but now is the time to come clean.

So, to those of you who are not members of this cult, namely low income white women over 50 and Latinos, I want to give you a basic description of the tenets of our faith, its liturgy and rituals, sacred texts, and the mysitical experience you can expect should you decide to join.

First, let me begin by revealing the illuminated texts that guide our basic beliefs:

Dreams from My Father

The Audacity of Hope

The first book, you might assume, is heartfelt autobiography written by a young man who had been asked to do so by an interested publisher. You'd be wrong. This book is actually a prophecy. Barack Obama was not alive when this book was written. It was written in the year 4354 B.O. (Before Obama) which would be 2393 B.C.E. for you secularists. In this book, his coming is foretold, as in this passage:

I know, I have seen, the desperation and disorder of the powerless: how it twists the lives of children on the streets of Jakarta or Nairobi in much the same way as it does the lives of children on Chicago's South Side, how narrow the path is for them between humiliation and untrammeled fury, how easily they slip into violence and despair. I know that the response of the powerful to this disorder -- alternating as it does between a dull complacency and, when the disorder spills out of its proscribed confines, a steady, unthinking application of force, of longer prison sentences and more sophisticated military hardware -- is inadequate to the task. I know that the hardening of lines, the embrace of fundamentalism and tribe, dooms us all.

Turns out, Barack Obama did live in Indonesia as a child. How is it possible that a book written so long ago could have been so accurate? Because it comes from God, no doubt. I could go into more detail on the prophetic nature of this book, but you can read it for yourself. May the light of Obama reveal truth to you in the reading of his word. O-men.

The second sacred text of Obama outlines how Obamists are to live their daily lives in a devotional way. Some religious scholars consider this book to be the more significant one in the formation of the customs and rites of Obamism. The basic Golden Rule of our religion is this:

Be Hopeful.

Some of you may see simliarity between this injunction and another religion, chronicled in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure:

Be excellent to each other.

Understand that most religous and social scholars have researched this and discovered that Keanu Reeves is also an Obamist, although of a different, less entertaining denomination.

The most important passage of scripture is this:

There are some things that I'm absolutely sure about—the Golden Rule, the need to battle cruelty in all its forms, the value of love and charity, humility and grace.

You might think that these are the musings of a man who has a basic sense of decency. Wrong. This is a statement of literal absolute eternal truth. I won't go into it here, but there are some very unpleasant punishments in the afterlife if one cannot practice love, charity, humility and grace. And most certainly cruelty will befall those who do not battle cruelty in all its forms. On this central point, Obamamentalists will never relent, until all the world is Obamaist. For it is the final truth for all mankind.

Being an Obamist from day to day is quite simple. There are a few basic rituals:

1- Every morning, log on to and check your mail and the blogs. This is an act of early morning purification, to clear ones mind of things like using the bathroom or brushing ones teeth. Taking a shower perhaps. Ones mind should focus on Obama.

2- Read a passage from The Audicity of Hope.

3- Pray to your Obama shrine, which is your television. Only do this during Morning Joe when they are talking about Obama. If they are not talking about Obama, change the channel to some place where they are, then pray. If that does not work, put on the DVD mailer from the Iowa Caucuses campaign.

4- Meditate on Obama with following chant:

Obama Obama Obama Obamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Repeat 100 times.

5- Volunteer for Obama. This means canvassing your neighborhood for new converts, repeatedly calling people on the phone, distributing literature and conducting visibility efforts, and defending Obama on blogs. You may think these are the normal activities of an engaged citizen advocating for his or her preferred candidate. Wrong. These are acts of pennance which help to purify ones soul and overcome the sin of thinking about anything other than Obama, like your bills perhaps. If you do not volunteer for Obama, you may find yourself doing things like going to work or going to the gym, which is the sure path to eternal hell.

6- Give money to Obama. THIS IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT. These funds are needed to open more campaign offices temples.

Thats pretty much it.

If you do these things, these are the rewards you can expect in the afterlife:

1- 99 virginal Michelle Obamas. Lesbian versions are available, no extra charge.

2- Great looking teeth.

3- You get to be black, without all the drawbacks. Rhythm included, no extra charge.

4- Your personal White House with detached Lincoln Bedroom for guests. (No renting allowed in Heaven. Sorry Clintonites.)

  1. Homemade breakfast with fresh baked biscuits every day with no weight gain! Six pack abs included, no extra charge.

Now that America has discovered the true nature of the Church of Obama, I sincerely hope you see your local temple and pick up some literature. Or, speak with someone about your journey. Or, if you cant do that, place your hand on your screen and pray with me-

O merciful and beloved Obama.

I beseech thee.

Giveth me hope.

Turneth me away from the path of the wicked, whose names art Clinton and McCain.

Forgiveth me of my sins.

Restoreth my audacity.

Changeth me so that I may believe.

Yes we caneth.


Originally posted to Triple-B in the Building on Sun Feb 17, 2008 at 09:40 PM PST.

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