ALL TALK: The Worst of Presidents, The Best of Presidents
Tue Feb 19, 2008 at 09:28:32 AM PDT
Some commie pinko liberal people like to say that George W. Bush is the worst president we have ever had. Now, I think saying such things borders on treason, but one thing you cannot deny is that George W. Bush is a master of soaring oratory.
"As you know, my position is clear -- I'm a commander guy."
-- George W. Bush
How could you listen to these words and not be inspired?
This election there is a candidate who wants to try to fill the oratorical shoes left behind by George W. Bush, and that candidate is Barack Obama. Somehow, some way, Barack Obama wants to figure out a way to be as compelling in his speech as the man who said this:
"There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about."
-- George W. Bush
Now, I have listened to many of Barack Obama's speeches, and the man hardly ever brings up chicken-plucking factories. This is just one of several differences between the oratorical stylings of Bush and Obama. While Bush is eloquently summarizing the plight of chicken-plucking factory workers, Barack Obama says things like,
"My parents shared not only an improbable love; they shared an abiding faith in the possibilities of this nation. They would give me an African name, Barack, or 'blessed', believing that in a tolerant America your name is no barrier to success. They imagined me going to the best schools in the land, even though they weren't rich, because in a generous America you don't have to be rich to achieve your potential."
-- Barack Obama
Now, can you imagine a great president such as George W. Bush bothering with crap like "possibilities", "tolerance", "generosity", or "achievement", when there are chicken-plucking factories out there struggling? Of course not. Bush is a man of action, and a man who speaks simple truths. Like when he is talking about the war in Iraq that he started because they were responsible for 9/11, er, because they had weapons of mass destruction -- I mean, because we're spreading democracy -- oh, who cares, right? Anyway, lots of soldiers are dying in the sands of Iraq, which somehow keeps terrorists from blowing up a Walmart in Topeka or Mount Rushmore or some shit like that. About 4,000 brave young men and women are now dead, the violence keeps going, and there is no end in sight -- such that some Republicans would like to measure our time in Iraq in centuries or millennia. How does Bush sum up our efforts in this war?
"We're kicking ass."
-- George W. Bush
Now, would you hear Barack Obama talking about how we're kicking ass in Iraq? No, you would not. Instead, he talks about changing stuff George W. Bush has been doing!
"That woman who told me that she hasn't been able to breathe since the day her nephew left for Iraq or the soldier who doesn't know his child because he's on his third or fourth or even fifth tour of duty, they need us to come together and put an end to a war that should have never been authorized and should have never been waged."
-- Barack Obama
Can you imagine George W. Bush saying stuff like that? Of course not! And this is the problem -- we have had 8 years of George W. Bush, and he has really set a whole new standard of modern speech and oratory. But even Bush himself would explain that there is far more to being president than awesome communication skills and soaring speeches.
For example, a president must be able to press and hold hands:
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands."
-- George W. Bush
He must also be able to channel spirits from the Beyond:
"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die."
-- George W. Bush
Sometimes, they invent days of the year:
"These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th."
-- George W. Bush
They must understand tidal mechanics:
"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?"
-- George W. Bush
A president must never promote a religion:
"That's called, 'A Charge To Keep', based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion."
-- George W. Bush
And when it's all said and done, he must know what's most important:
"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake."
-- George W. Bush
Now, knowing all that is required of a president, is Barack Obama capable of being President? I do not see how anyone can even argue about this. Barack Obama does not want to continue the historic legacy of George W. Bush. Instead, he just wants change. Here's some more of his bullshit words:
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
-- Barack Obama
Now, many have remarked lately about how words are not important in order to be President, and that things like policy papers and 8-point plans are the real measure of a President. I think a survey of the country's greatest presidents as ranked by nerds who watched CSPAN in 1999, will bear this out (note that George W. Bush is not on this list because in 1999 the CSPAN nerds did not know how great of a president George W. Bush would be):
- Abraham Lincoln
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
- George Washington
- Theodore Roosevelt
- Harry S. Truman
- Woodrow Wilson
- Thomas Jefferson
- John F. Kennedy
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
- Lyndon B. Johnson
Now, I defy you to name one person on that list who was great with words. I know you will not be able to disagree with this point: None of them spoke of chicken-plucking factories, and in this regard George W. Bush ranks above them all.
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