w/Fashion update: I'm running on the Care Less ticket
Sun Feb 24, 2008 at 03:28:13 PM PDT
Vitally important fashion update: Party members will all wear American flag pins (which will be too much trouble to remove), and we will have our hands permanently attached above our hearts. The ball's in your court now, Hillary and John.
Today, Hillary Rodham Clinton and the pundits who share her revenue stream have inspired, well more like encouraged, well more like unconsciously demonstrated to me that now could possibly be the time for me to grab, or at least loosely hold, the torch of history. We stand now at a crossroads, or at least squat at a small intersection of little consequence. In short, I am running for office.
So long as you are largely disinterested and expect little, you are welcome to hear more of my fateless story below the fold.
Ever since I heard of them, I have been a huge fan of the Know Nothing Party. And who wouldn't appreciate a party whose only public comment is "I know nothing"? I have always felt such a strategy just might be my one chance at gaining public office. That is one leg of my plan.
I used to admire Ralph Nader, even after he indirectly sponsored GWB and the torture and smuggery which have distinguished his tenure. When he announced that he needed to grace us with his presence yet again this time around, the second, albeit shorter, leg of my plan was hatched. Specifically it occurred to me: if Ralph can screw things up any time he feels like it, and it's possible to base an entire party on knowing nothing, why not me?
I immediately came head to head with the first (and so far, only) challenge of my campaign. The Know Nothing Party is long dead, and no one knows much about them (unintended consequences, alas). Short story short, I decided to play minesweeper instead of tiring myself with the problem. Suddenly the calming words of Cokie Roberts, Hillary Clinton, and Frank Rich crept into my awareness like a mushroom on a dark night. A poisonous mushroom, but a mushroom nonetheless. I thought to myself unenthusiastically, "We'll be known as the Care Less Party.
The essence of my platform is "Don't get your hopes up." I will eschew large, enthusiastic rallies in every town and state. Small, fearful gatherings of resigned cynics will be the lifeblood of our movement. Sure, I'll speak of fighting special interests, bringing change to Washington, stopping wanton killing should any come to my attention. Hell, why wouldn't I? There's a million speeches already written with phrases about just such as that. But if my followers forget for a moment the true nature of politics and take my words seriously, we'll calm ourselves with a quiet muttering, in unison, of the words "Care Less."
Do you like my ideas? Are you worried that they may come to bring too much unity? Fear not. Rather, add not that fear to your other fears which you should continue to nourish with depressing thoughts. First off, our party will be marked by self-destructive infighting, for which I myself hope to set the example, you caucusing over-excited unimportant morans. But in case that is not enough discord, we will place strict limits on our numbers. I promise you now that excessive unity will not be a problem with the Care Less Party.
If you have a strong urge to join me, go away. If you are despairingly curious in a disenchanted and hopeless sort of way, the Care Less Party may be for you.
"I could care less. Yes I could."
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