Loosen up while you wait, Jokes v 1.1, updated

Earlier today, Asinus Asinum Fricat posted a cheap joke diary, just to occupy us for a little while. This, IMHO, is a good idea. I was going to diary about how I'd voted for Edwards yesterday, but this is better. Go ahead, be politically incorrect, be rude, be whatever, but be funny.

Here we go.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

Okay, this wound up on the screen, and needed to be added;

A  country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh?  What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top?  That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."  

•  Tips for a detour from the serious business...

  by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:48:49 PM PDT

  •  I don't get it

    I know it's supposed to be a politically incorrect joke, but I don't get it.

    by NMLib on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:54:14 PM PDT

    •  It's supposed to suggest that...

      ...Jewish people eat a lot of Chinese food.

      by revelwoodie on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:00:07 PM PDT

      •  There are two Kosher Chinese restaurants

        in my neighborhood.

        by LNK on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:55:55 PM PDT

    •  It's the Chinese take out scene in New York.

      Although, it doesn't just apply to Jews;

      XANDER: Oh, hey, do you wanna come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place.

      WILLOW: Xander, do you guys even have a stove?

      by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:09:02 PM PDT

    •  Okay, here's another.

      During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men
      were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively
      by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst
      themselves in Yiddish .

      A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in
      fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay
      and if they were enjoying the holiday.

      The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn
      such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the
      bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs,
      "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

      The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else
      will hear and said...
      "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

      by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:10:22 PM PDT

      •  Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry

        Two visitors to New York's Chinatown are walking down the street, when they pass a sign for "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."  Unable to resist, they go inside, and find an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.

        "Excuse me, sir, but could you please tell us how this business came to have such an unusual name?"

        "Of course," replied the elderly man.  "I'm Moshe Plotnik!"

        "Well," said the first, "I'm not sure how to say this, but that seems, well, extraordinary.  Is that really your name?"

        "Of course it is," replied Mr Plotnik, resigned to telling the story for the thousanth time.  "When I arrived at Ellis Island, I was in a long line of immigrants, many of whom were from Eastern Europe.  The man in front of me told the immigration officer his name was Moshe Plotnik.  When my turn came and the officer asked me my name, I told him -- 'Sam Ting.'"

        by Liberal Protestant on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:21:30 PM PDT

        •  Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Sergio.

          by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:26:58 PM PDT

•  A bear and a rabbit are taking a sh*t in the wood

  The bear turns to the rabbit and says "excuse me, but do you have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?"
  "No," the rabbit replies.
  So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

  by demotarian on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:51:03 PM PDT

  •  Always

    a classic

    by AndrewOG on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:51:42 PM PDT

•  A rabbi, a nun, and a penguin

  walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says,

  "What is this?  Some kind of joke?"

  by Liberal Protestant on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:52:08 PM PDT

  •  I heard that one with

    a priest, a horse, and a boy scout...

    by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:54:06 PM PDT

•  I'll join you with a story...

  Long ago, when I was a grad student in mathematics, my office was in a small house behind the mathematics building.  About 15 of us grad students had desks in this house.  One day, a kid walked in and asked, "where's my teacher?"
  I responded "what's his name?"
  Kid: "I don't know, but he's got a beard and a big nose."
  Another grad student: "Kid, you've just described half the math department!"

  by bubbanomics on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:53:21 PM PDT

•  a clip

  by Salo on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:55:22 PM PDT

•  and another.

  by Salo on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:57:44 PM PDT

•  Very dirty

  What's green, slimy and smells like pork?

  by demotarian on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:57:58 PM PDT

  •  Kermie's fingers.

    by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:06:10 PM PDT

  •  Kermit's face nt

    by bubbanomics on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:20:22 PM PDT

  •  This thread

    is giving me nightmares. or is it fantasies?

    by AndrewOG on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:53:03 PM PDT

•  Ok...I'm terrible at remembering jokes...

  ...this is the first that comes to mind:

  What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  A dictator!

  by revelwoodie on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 04:59:26 PM PDT

•  This was quite good.

  by Salo on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:01:20 PM PDT

•  This first graphic

  is not personally meant for anyone here, (unless you're a troll, of course!).  I just wanted to share 'cause I really like him and I don't know when I'll have another opportunity to post it:
  

  And now for peek-a-boo kitty:
  

  by Ellicatt on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:10:33 PM PDT

•  110% Not Safe For Work

  but I found this to be one of the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time. Sarah Silvermen went on the Kimmel show the other day and wanted to show him this video .... cause she had something to tell him. I mean heck who even knew they were dating.

  by webranding on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:13:38 PM PDT

•  Blonde jokes here

  (It's ok...I'm a blonde.)

  A blonde calls the fire department and says, "Help!  My house is on fire!"

  The dispatcher replies, "Don't panic ma'am, well be right there.  Where are you located?"

  "In the kitchen," she replies.  "Please hurry!"

  No, ma'am, you don't understand.  How do we get to you?"

  The blonde laughs and says, "Duh!  Big red truck!"

  by revelwoodie on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:14:58 PM PDT

  •  asdf

    President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

    A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

    The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

    So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

    Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

    And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?"

    "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

    Bush turns to Powell and says,
    "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

    by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:25:46 PM PDT

    •  Long and distinguished joke

      That's a long and distinguished joke, dating back, at least, to either Nazi Germany or Stalin's Soviet Union.

      by JLan on Wed Feb 06, 2008 at 01:19:31 PM PDT

  •  A blonde was mowing her lawn and ran over her

    dog's tail, cutting it off. She quickly put the dog in the car and rushed him to Wal-Mart because............................................................................................. ....she knew that they were the world's largest re-tailer.

    by Good Hope Road on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 06:10:36 PM PDT

    •  That one was so bad, it was good :)

      by exNYinTX on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 07:10:58 PM PDT

  •  If a blonde and a brunette both jump out a window

    at the same time, who will hit the ground first?.............................................................................................. ....
    the brunette... the blonde would need to stop and ask directions.

    by Good Hope Road on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 06:11:42 PM PDT

  •  a blind guy goes into a bar,

    and bellies up to the bar, saying "Hey, I just heard this GREAT blonde joke."

    The bartender, a woman, replies, "Sir, you might want to stop right there.  I don't know if you know this, but it's female bodybuilder night here, and the woman on your left is a state champion, and happens to be blonde.  The woman on your right is a world champion, and is also blonde.  AND - I'm blonde, too."

    And the guy goes, "Oh great.  Now I'll have to explain the joke THREE times."

    by Dem in the heart of Texas on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 06:29:31 PM PDT

  •  So, a blonde goes into the library,

    and walks right up to the reference desk, and states (in a perky tone), "I'd like a Big Mac, fries, and a diet Coke!"

    The librarian looks up in amazement, and says, as nicely as she can, "Um, ma'am?  This is a library."

    "Oh!  Sorry!"  The blonde claps her hand over her mouth, and drops her voice to a whisper, "I'd like a Big Mac, fries and a diet Coke."

    [this one works a lot better in person...:D]

    by Dem in the heart of Texas on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 06:32:52 PM PDT

•  LOL, thanks to all of you. I add this joke

  One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

  Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

  This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

  "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

  "It's pretty nice," she replies, "except they won't let you fart."

  by LNK on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:46:56 PM PDT

•  To remember a joke, go tell it to someone else

  as soon as possible.

  For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

  "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

  The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

  "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

  Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

  by LNK on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:54:23 PM PDT

•  Question

  Has anyone here ever written a joke?
  I know that I have not.

  by AndrewOG on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 05:56:15 PM PDT

  •  Nope. There are no new jokes.

    You can do a Josh Wheldon-esque, kind of thing and write non-sequiteur dialog, or do "Airplane" gags, but new, start telling a story that turns into a new joke, not so much...

    by Jacques on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 06:27:22 PM PDT

    •  I figured as much

      Like all of the elements they were created in the big bang

      by AndrewOG on Wed Feb 06, 2008 at 12:58:54 PM PDT

•  A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says..

  ...why the long face?

  by Good Hope Road on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 06:13:47 PM PDT

•  so bush dies and goes to Hell..

  but the Devil tells him he's SO evil he has to be put in a special torture room reserved only for the worst of the worst.  Problem is, they weren't prepared for bush that day so they hadn't any room prepared.

  The Devil tells bush that he'll let bush change places w/ one condemned soul, and that soul will be set free.

  He shows bush a room w/ Nixon breaking rocks in a pit of fire.  bush shudders and says, "No, not that one!"

  Next the Devil takes bush to a room w/ Hitler up to his neck in acid, screaming in agony.  bush again says no.

  The Devil shows bush a room w/ Bill Clinton strapped to a chair, moaning, as a dark-haired woman leans over his groin, her head bobbing up and down.

  bush looks at the Devil and says, "Yeah, I think I can handle THIS for eternity!"  The Devil replies, "Are you sure this is what you want?"  bush nods.

  The Devil says, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

  by Zacapoet on Tue Feb 05, 2008 at 06:16:22 PM PDT